Really dislike my mom

[the-alchemist]

This year in February I moved abroad to study, and I've cut off all connections I had back in the old country due to all the honeysuckle I've gone through there.

And my mom is responsible for my bad childhood. If I would list everything she has done to fresia my life up, and the emotional scars I still carry, it wouldn't be enough to fill this whole post space. I grew up without my mother tongue, my native religion, I grew up without a family structure.

Those are just a few of the thousands bad things she has done, the emotional scars she has inflicted upon me.

Due to this, I am very angry at my mom whenever I think back. I'm constantly reminded of it everyday. Whether it be deficiencies in my personality or something else.

She is the only one I have contact with these days, I don't know why really. Although I don't like her, she is still my mom. I still care for her well-being, and these days she lives in a psychiatric home receiving treatment for depression.

But I can't forgive her for what she has done, but at the same time I care for her well-being and she is a bit vulnerable now. I'm afraid that if I talk to her about this, she might not be able to handle it, something bad might happen to her. At the same time, I don't know how long I can keep my feelings bottled up like this. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this facade

 

[LoneKiller]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. Mothers have a lot of power and influence over their children. If she is receiving treatment for depression, you should visit as much as possible. There is nothing in the world that will allow you to go back in time and fix everything. What counts is now. Perhaps her dilemma might help her realize the things that she has done to you.

I do have great sadness for your situation. I can't imagine how much pain you must be in. You only get 1 mother. God forbid that she passed away tomorrow, you would be stuck with all of this pain and unresolved issues from a woman that you love. I know that you love her, otherwise you never would have posted this thread.

fresia the past. The past should be like a springboard, not a hammock.
Make peace with your mom before it's too late.

God Bless.
LK

 

[Kat]

Our parents are not just parents, they're people too. They're flawed.

I'm dealing and have dealt with a similar issue. One of my parents has terminal cancer. They were abusive to me in the past and I resented them for a long time. When I was younger, I got into a screaming match with them and I blurted out how angry I was for what they had done, and their response made me realize that they would never admit to being wrong or see things from my point of view.

Sometimes, we have to make peace within ourselves. Forgive your mom. Not for her sake really, but for your own. Don't let this hold you back any further.

I had to make up for where my parents left some gaps. What they did was wrong. Nothing will change that now. Even if they told me they were sorry, though I doubt they will. It's hard advice to follow sometimes, but I try not to let it bother me anymore like it used to.

 

[Vinan]

I am sorry your life turned out the way it has I hope this helps. Let go of all negative feelings do all thats postive. Stop holding a grudge by doing so you will hold hatred that will only make you angry that doesn't help depression trust me on that one. Forgive all thats happened understand your future is yours to make and it can be a great and good one. There is love and many great and good things out there focus on them nothing else.

 

[Arrielle]

I know what your are talking about. The parents can affect your life, and usually is forever. I know that many people would advise you to forget and forgive but the reality is that whatever happen in your childhood will never fade out. We can forget work problems, marital problems, but the childhood stays with you for the rest of your life, because it forms your mind and "blood".
Childhood is the part of our lives when we are the most vulnerable and if we don't have somebody "to see and protect us", we can remain with a lot of "un-healable" scars.
My parents never abused me in the sense of the word that would imply physical or sexual abuse, but they managed to abuse me emotionally a pretty good deal. They were absent in my life even when I was 3/4 YO, very busy with their friends, having fun, and very busy with their work.
I've never been to a counselor before but I seriously consider doing it. I lived all my life under a lot of anxiety, having ingrained in my blood that nobody is there to watch for me, to take care of me. I am a pretty successful person, but the truth is that nobody knows how anxious and scared I am all the time. I never knew the reasons until I read some books and I became more introspective and self aware.
I do not hate my parents but I definitely blame on them for my every day anxiety and fear.
I was the luck one, as my brother ended up in drugs. I pray every day for his well being and health, but God knows how much affects me his situation.
All in all, yes, the parents can mess your life pretty badly.

 

[the-alchemist]

I can't visit my mom. I have moved to a new country which is very far away. And even here, I have problems with my identity. Who am I? Where am I really from? I was born in one country, grew up in another and now live far away. But my native language I cannot speak well because my mom didn't bother to teach me. I am ashamed when I meet my fellow countrymen and they notice my accent and that I cannot speak it well. Heck, the country I currently live in, I speak that language better than my native tongue. This is just one example, the effects of her behavior still causes me a lot of trouble to this day.

I mean, sure, I don't hate her. That's why I said that I dislike her. And despite all the honeysuckle she's put me through, I don't wish anything bad to happen to her. But I don't miss anything from my former country of residence. Ideally what I want is to cut off my connection with her. She can live her life and I can live mine. But I know that if I express my discontent and cut off my connection, god knows what will happen to her.

So yeah, I don't hate her. But I don't love her either. I care about her well-being, I just wish she could let me go. I don't want her apologies, I don't wanna see her again. The scars are too deep for me to forgive her

 

[Kat]

Can you take classes to learn the language that you want to learn? I think your accent may fade over time, the more you immerse yourself with people who you want to speak like. The more you practice and talk to people, the more you will pick up on how they speak and adopt that way of speaking.

 

[floffyschneeman]

Kat is right, our parents are humans too and like everyone they have flaws. They are only trying to be the best parent they can be, with how much they know about parenting, along with their personal problems they also face without our knowing. I have a hard time saying I love you to my family members despite the fact that I love them greatly, because I grew up with a dad that I have to formulate everything I would say to him in my mind before I actually say it. He used to very aloof and timid. He rarely spoke and would just give a cold gaze to us whenever we make mistakes. We didn't have family days and whenever we would be out, he was always absent. I used to wonder why he seems so happier with his friends more than his family. But as I grew up, I also learned that my dad tried to father us the best he can even without an idea of what a father would have to be. His dad left them for another family and only returned when he needed care. He asked money from his dad one time so that he could enroll in school and he only gave him one-way's worth of fare towards home. But as we grew up and he got older, we somehow understood each other and now has a good relationship.

Being their kids we fail to see them as persons cos we only see them as parents and always think about how parents should be. But seeing how vulnerable we are as human beings, and while we grew older, we only get more confused and more depressed, hence we are all here on this forum. But what difference do we have with our parents? could it be that they are also struggling with their own confusions in themselves and about the part they take in this world? But regardless of all those, they manage to be our parents, else we would not call them mum or dad right now. We would have not known them, they could have easily throne us away.

We all have our blanks and missing pieces brought about our environment and the people around us. But this is our lives and it is now are duty to fill in those blanks. To still strive to be the best person we can become, and that includes being a person free from resentment.

I hope you'll be able to fix your struggles you are going through.

 

[Arrielle]

Kat is right, our parents are humans too and like everyone they have flaws. They are only trying to be the best parent they can be, with how much they know about parenting, along with their personal problems they also face without our knowing.

Sorry to inform you, but some people are just bad parents and actually they DO NOT try to be any batter. This is why they are utterly BAD : because they don't try...
Some people ARE JUST NOT GOOD people. I know that the American culture taught you that whatever breathes on Earth have a value just because it breathes but NO, it is not lake that. Some people are bad, are stupid, are malevolent, are ignorant...and I could continue the list... And if you are unfortunate to be born surrounded by them, it will affect the rest of your life. As the contrary is true as well: if you were lucky to be born in a decent family with intelligent and caring parents, your life would look differently and in a good way.

 

[the-alchemist]

Man, now my mom just sent me another mail that made me scratch my head abit.

She told me that I should care about the culture of our former country and that in my country of origin people care about family and mothers.

Really? All those years you encouraged us to adopt the western culture and customs of our host country, you never bothered to teach us our mother-tongue or celebrate our traditions. It was you who kept our father out of our lives for the greater part of my life. Dude, I had to learn my native language entirely on my ******* own. And what did it get me? It got me an effed-up childhood where I found myself rootless, without an identity and without a father figure except for a bullying big brother.

And suddenly when it's convenient for you I'm supposed to follow traditions and customs that you yourself never bothered with? Even to this day you don't bother with them. Look at our family dude, me and my brother are not brother in any sense except the biological. We have cut off contact from eachother. And I'm so distant and estranged from father, we never talk anymore. How do you expect me to care about family? I haven't been to our origin country since I was 10 months old because you tore up my birth certificate, therefore making it next to impossible to travel there.

You expect me to suddenly give a fresia when it benefits you?

Sorry for venting off like this. This is the response I wanted to tell her, but I didn't dare to. Don't wanna make it worse for her. In my response I didn't respond to that, just saying that I'm doing fine. I knew debating with her isn't an option, she's too narrow-minded and stubborn to listen.

Really, the only reason I still have contact with her is that she sends me money every month, and I've told this to her. That's her only redeeming feature now. She wants to talk to me on Skype but I always tell her I don't have time. But in truth, I don't want to talk to her. I don't miss her or my effed-up family at all, in fact, ever since moving away, I haven't felt homesick for one single day, and I've been here for nearly 9 months now.

That said, I dunno what to do, how long I can keep it up. I can forgive her, but I can't forget. I feel the effects of my effed up childhood everyday, and I'll probably do so until I die. I don't know, I kinda feel down now. She wants to visit me, but I don't want to see her. I tell her that I'm too busy

 

[Drama]

You need to forgive otherwise you wont find peace.
Mom did bad things to me too (still does) but even if I get REALLY angry at her sometimes, I will always love her.

 

[Syber Tiger]

its normal,i get angry at her and mad somethimes,but like liley said
love her,she the one that brought u to thes word and rase you...

show respect to her and u will feel better,she will to

trust me,i was hate full to my fam,but sinse i changed it was way better and easyer to live with them
good luck

i didnt read the 1st post ony the title so sorry if i am about out of track