Rebuilding a busted friendship when you secretly hate them?

[Emmy]

<Backstory, is ignorable to some extent, probably wanna scan read if ya can't be asked>
I dwell on this all day, every day, it's a pain. A year and 2 months ago my best friend, and at the time, partner, decided to 'spill the beans' about who and what she actually was.
A very.. very twisted, devious, horrible and incredibly mean human being. What she was taking pleasure in and generally doing was both morally depraved and sickening, broke me in half in distress and general sadness.

We regrouped quickly after, 6 days, because i needed her and more importantly the connection, at the time i was super naive and super vulnerable, hated her but forced myself too quickly into forgiving her because i thought i was in love.. hind sight was just admiration because i thought she was this super awesome person, didn't know the finer details of what she actually was.
Anywhoo.. stayed together, chose her over about 25 people who she'd deeply hurt and who told me to not go with her because she was dangerous and the whole sodded thing wasn't safe, was a bad idea basically, at the time i didn't care because thought i loved her.

Well, they did turn out to be right. March the 'incident' happened, October she abandoned me. January i tracked her down, she left again, no word inbetween, i snapped on her for running and months of ignoring/heated words when we did speak and is now today.

<End of backstory>
So, this person, i hate them, i do, i also however have got back to a vulnerable kinda state in which i need them, more for a connection. Don't want our relationship, just our friendship back, so wanted make contact.. bad idea.. i couldn't hold my tongue and snapped at her for all the upset and bad things she'd done.. so obviously she had a go. I apologised through gritted teeth and again, in the apology, wasted it by making it someone hate-filled.. she didn't reply =/

So, i need to make peace with them, for many reasons.
I need her connection primarily, secondly i need a friend, thirdly we were ridiculously close at one stage and is a crying shame to be where we've been for the past however many months, fourthly because i miss 'us' and fifthly because i know we could work if i found it in myself to shut my trap and forgive her and if she found it in her to be the good person i know she possibly could be (OK, i don't 'know' because she hasn't portayed any goodness i thought she had, but it's gotta be there someone, nobody is 100% nasty, i can find the good bits)

So question is super simple. How in the blue hell do i fix it?
First thing is, how do i get her to talk to me?
Then next stage is how do i not hate her?
Stage after that is how do i approach a rebuilding of sorts?
And finally, how do you draw good from a pretty horrible place? Thought i solved it ages ago, apparently not.. which leads to final question.
How do you know when someone is using you/taking you for a ride/lying out of convenience?

Ta for read, apologies went on a bit, sowii :S

 

[edgecrusher]

that sounds like quite the situation. i dont really have that much advice but from the sounds of it i think you might need to ask yourself if its even worth it. when you say things like morally depraved and sickening to describe it, it makes me think its not. i dont know the full situation so i dont know if that is the right thing to say but from the sounds of it youd be better off without dealing with this person anymore.

 

[mintymint]

Some good things end. It's sad, but they do. This person sounds like they have become a toxic influence on your life. This is all the more dangerous to you if you are in a vulnerable state. I'm sorry that I can't tell you what you want to hear. I would advise you to stay away from this person. Try to take a step back. Look at things objectively. Imagine if a friend came to you with this situation, would you recommend that they delve back into the relationship? I certainly would not. I only see the potential for more harm. If you are vulnerable right now, this is exactly what you don't need.

Letting go is hard, but remember that the reason you're not together right now is because things didn't work out back when you were together. If you couldn't work through your problems then, don't expect to come to a nice resolution with this person now. Try talking to your friends about your problems, it helps. Use this forum if you wish. We'll try our best to help

 

[dead]

i'm sorry if i will sound... unhelpful/mean/harsh, it is really not my intention, but in this case.. it DOES seem like it would be best for you to move on from all i've read... she does not sound like a person you want to have in your life - crave maybe, but... it doesn't sound healthy in any way

i'm sorry to kinda... say the harsh thing but... in this case, it does sound like she might be using you, for whatever reason. so... i'd say - don't hate her - but do move on. (hate is a heavy burden to carry :/

ps. (it seems like you already know the answer to the last one :/)

 

[shells]

"Trick me once, shame on you. Trick me twice, shame on me."

So question is super simple. How in the blue hell do i fix it?

The answer is also super simple. You don't fix it.

Start being strong for yourself instead of turning to others when you're vulnerable and lonely. Most importantly, NEVER try change someone. You can't and you won't. That person has to want to change for themselves.

It's obvious you resent her. That feeling most likely won't just disappear, even if you two make ammends. If she's hurt you in the past, you'll always be jaded about her intentions in the future. Thats the thing -- you'll never know when she's lying and you'll get paranoid.

Trust, communication, and honesty is key in relationships and friendships. Without even just one of those components, a relationship won't thrive.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I had a falling out with a very close person to me back in high school over that "he said-she said" bullmess. Some four years later, she added me to Facebook, and I guess she's okay with me now. I admit, I missed her, and the whole situation went on longer than it should have. We missed out on nearly our whole Senior year together because she believed someone else over me.

However, I don't hate her; I never did. Honestly, what I would do, is tell them that you want to make peace with them, and that you don't want any hard feelings or bad blood between the two of you, but that you don't think you'd want to be friends with someone who would do something like that to you. It hurts to be ignored and pulled along. People and feelings are not toys, and she should not have treated you as such.

 

[Emmy]

Thanks everyone for nice replies there

Make good points, do resent her, trust gone to hell, will be paranoid
Is just difficult to go about it without the support you had before, i got this dumb idea in my head that getting over someone is disrespectful to your time together, like, it shows they meant nothing if you can get past them. I dunno, i think odd :S
Held onto the hope for lil too long, still, gonna hold it lil longer, probably inevitable epic fail along the way

Just feels not right, brain keeps clawing them back in me thoughts, no fret am not obsessed or what not, but you know, if am at work twiddling me thumbs or walking home etc then they're in my brain, shouldn't dwell so heavy, but yeah, don't really wanna replace them on the of-chance they become healthy and happy and nice and i wanna be there when that happens.
Just the bitterness, other half a me says screw them, let them be insane, deserve it. Which, accidentally makes me sound like a royal *****, don't want this situation to reflect crapply on me.

*sighs*
I know ya are all right, probably would be better off without them although these days it doesn't feel that way, lil vulnerable, want a hug, that kinda thing, probably all in my head thinking it's fixable cos am desperate for it to be fixable.. doesn't make it so, i guess.

Just conflicted, better off without them, they're better off without me, no brainer i suppose.. is just putting a end in it, dwelled for 16 months, sorta like a goto place for my thoughts.. ah man i'm quite a batty by sounds a it, you know what i mean though.
Suppose is just to work on getting by the bitterness i feel and remove them from my brain, just a bit, smidge, lil left over piece behind the hate, that says i miss them and want them fixed so we can be happy, sucks things go wrong. But yep, your all right, my hate outweighs the love, no good to build a friendship on.

Thanks all advice everyone, very grateful

 

[dead]

Emmy, getting over someone is sometimes the only way you CAN respect the connection you have - to let it, at least in the memory - be something good.
losing such a connection is undoubtedly hard though

 

[LiberalExtinction]

some things are better to just let go, this is one of them.

I have a rule, if i cut you off your done LE dose not forgive and LE dose not forget.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'd forgive. Simply because I wouldn't want that on my shoulders. I have enough to weigh me down. I don't need that over my head. However, I wouldn't forget. I'd remember everything, and base my decision off that.

 

[Emmy]

Wanna forgive, believe me i really do, but is way hard. What she did was beyond prison worthy, absolutely mammoth-sized personal destruction on god knows, top my head, two dozen people.
Doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but it hurts to hate someone cos just want the world all peachy and smiles but you hold a horrible grudge, sucks.

Two things i suppose, feel disrespectful to the families of the people she hurt, and those themselves, in forgiving her.
Other thing is if forgave her i'd be doing it mainly to ease my guilt for screaming hate-filled words at her, that's morally the wrong reason forgive somebody.

Tricky to do

Toying with idea of saying as you said before, about telling them i wanna make peace, guess can't hurt. Will say it tomorrow, *gulp*

 

[encounter]

Forgiving her does not mean you are saying what she did was okay. You need to forgive for YOURSELF. Forgiving her does not mean you have to be her friend.

By forgiving her you will be letting go of negative thoughts, energy etc. By not forgiving her you are actually giving her more power. Why should you have to suffer so much for things she did?

Found some good quotes:

"Generally, forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment and thoughts of revenge. The act that hurt or offended you may always remain a part of your life, but forgiveness can lessen its grip on you and help you focus on other, positive parts of your life. "

"Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act. Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. "

 

[coricopat]

Since this is a fairly anonymous forum, do you think you can give more detail about the horrid thing this person did?

Barring further information, I agree with what shells said 100%.

 

[Emmy]

Thanks, nice quotes there

Is true, letting go of some built up guff helps ease your mind, nice release clear the air.
Did speak to her again yesterday, but never got back to me, disinterested, so appears that's that. No rebuilding of this friendship. Not sad, not happy.. disappointed i think.
But yeah, forgiving is a nice place to go to, will get there, can forgive, takes a real heartless person be vengeful and bitter forever ^^

Not that comfortable saying what she did (to poster above)
Don't think will really do much in the way of aiding the situation by talking about what she's done over the year.

 

[AndrewM]

Emmy,

You're making this person out to be sociopath (I have no idea whether that's fair); but given that's what you think of her, why on Earth put yourself at her mercy?

People who abuse others are very good at making their victims feel dependent on them. You may want to consult some of the literature on the subject to see if it makes sense of your situation. (E.g. "Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity" by Marie-France Hirigoyen.)

 

[coricopat]

That's ok Emmy, you don't have to discuss it. Like Andrew said though, you're making the person sound like a sociopath and if what the person did was beyond jail-worthy, then I'm kind of wondering why they aren't in jail, and if they should be. Forgiveness seems like less of an issue than worrying about whether or not this person might strike again.

 

[Emmy]

Cos not said anything, am not gonna either, i gave her lotsa verbal anger hence thread and felt crap for it, i caused enough troubles without getting her in proper trouble. Nah, besides am still wanting fix it but keeps ignoring me. Which makes me hate her more, but also makes me more determined to get her to talk, frustrating.
Am pretty sure she doesn't want nothing to do with me, can look at that as a positive if are outsider looking in.. she is a bad person afterall.
But from here still sucks, still not positive, disappointed, angry and bitter. But am sure is just cos am in need of comfort so am clutching at straws. So i know, best stay clear, difficult to follow that through though but am steering clear

Well, mainly, in answer why wanna hang around with a psychopath, yeah i suppose so, she said she was unwell so was gonna get help, but been over a year and hasnt lifted a finger toward getting help. But for whatever reason that is i still feel lil like a ass if i left, mainly cos if shes sick then is probably morally right to get that sorted. Then leave when shes better, she doesnt deserve to get better, but there we are.
I dont think anyone else is in danger, i cant police her, is twice my age, cant tell her what to do and that, but she was exposed by a group of us and so she ranaway, but then i chose her over them as said earlier, cos am a dummy. But where shes at now, people around her dont know what she is, which is worrying, but like said, shes twice my age. But to be fair, people shes with are all lots older, am 20, she and them are all around mid-late 30's, they're normal people her new mates and maybe they bring her happiness, am not gonna disrupt that. Although i hate her, also wanna be part of that happiness and her life, so is not fair. But yeah, lots reasons why wanna patch it up.. but impossible if cant get to talk.

 

[Lostgirl87]

I have a similiar issue of being drawn to someone I know is absolutely no good for me.... I totally get the whole belief that if you give up on a friendship you somehow prove it meant nothing, which means the whole thing was one very very big waste of time...... Which is t true but I also can't seem to get past the thought process..... It'd be hypocritical for me to give advice when I can't get my own situation under control.... I sympathize though

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Hmmm well my gut says it is lost cause. It sucks losing someone who was so close to you and who was such a huge part of your life. However, she did hurt you. She got up and ran with no explanation. I would say you just need to let this one lie.

 

[LucieMay]

Forgive her. Cut contact. Move on. It's that simple.

All this energy wasted on this girl... all this mental pain and torture you're putting yourself through? And for what- a broken bad person who doesn't even want to know you. Life's too bloody short mate.

You need a reality check: this is pointless and detrimental to you. Ie it's a waste of ******* time.

Sorry to be harsh but why do this yourself? She's not the one doing it to you- YOU are. Only you have control of your life and emotions, no one else.