freezing time until you run out of money, that punctuation in life that lets your brain shut up for a bit, did i chose this?
i believe within ourselves we have absolute free will, so i guess i did.
i had been on reducing methadone for years, 'clean', is the word apparently, i wouldn't say that, you have to pour so many replacements in to your life to stop just thinking of morphine that i was doing every drug except morphine, everything's the same though after £1000 of tranquilizers and whatever else i ran out of things to cram in that blood soaked hole opiates always turn in to glowing warmth.
i have run out of money again, soon the psychosis and withdrawals are comming...i used to be stronger but i hear voices all day now, constant whispers, always the most dreaded things. my head spins in to psychosis when chemically unbalanced now and im about to be very f'ing unbalanced, i feel like someone waiting for an executioner to say the word 'fire'.
even though i hadn't taken it for years 'one night' i thought one more dance and it had me.
i had forgotten how...kind a drug it is, you're just warm, theres no intense hallucinations, or amphetamine like comedowns, the world is just 'nice', things are just nice, i have no friends anywhere, morphine feels like a hug from some unseen lover.
what amazed me is i was already bored of it by the third time but kept it up; the hug turns in to a necessity that sometimes you don't even feel and when you do its so normalized you end up disappointed with it, you feel if its going to take everything you have that it should **** well be worth it every time
i find the psychosis of hearing voices terrifying and im 'doing ok' right now apparently, i feel over shadowed by this looming wall of pain and insanity, i look at people on the street, wondering why one of them cant love me
i believe within ourselves we have absolute free will, so i guess i did.
i had been on reducing methadone for years, 'clean', is the word apparently, i wouldn't say that, you have to pour so many replacements in to your life to stop just thinking of morphine that i was doing every drug except morphine, everything's the same though after £1000 of tranquilizers and whatever else i ran out of things to cram in that blood soaked hole opiates always turn in to glowing warmth.
i have run out of money again, soon the psychosis and withdrawals are comming...i used to be stronger but i hear voices all day now, constant whispers, always the most dreaded things. my head spins in to psychosis when chemically unbalanced now and im about to be very f'ing unbalanced, i feel like someone waiting for an executioner to say the word 'fire'.
even though i hadn't taken it for years 'one night' i thought one more dance and it had me.
i had forgotten how...kind a drug it is, you're just warm, theres no intense hallucinations, or amphetamine like comedowns, the world is just 'nice', things are just nice, i have no friends anywhere, morphine feels like a hug from some unseen lover.
what amazed me is i was already bored of it by the third time but kept it up; the hug turns in to a necessity that sometimes you don't even feel and when you do its so normalized you end up disappointed with it, you feel if its going to take everything you have that it should **** well be worth it every time
i find the psychosis of hearing voices terrifying and im 'doing ok' right now apparently, i feel over shadowed by this looming wall of pain and insanity, i look at people on the street, wondering why one of them cant love me