Scared

[hellostarlight]

Hello.. so as are quite a few people on here I'm worried that I'll spend the rest of my life alone. I'm still a teen, I know, and I'm grateful to still have limbs and not be out in a country at war etc. but as time goes by I'm deteriorating really quickly

It's to the point now where I don't feel like I have much control over myself anymore and feel almost in a constant daze like I have nothing to lose. I'm trying to get better by getting professional help and there are some people on here I talk to every now and then which is nice but I can't shake this feeling that's getting stronger. Even if strangers are mean to me its a huge blow to my self-esteem but then when people who are close to me are mean it pushes me back so much more yet it's something I can't control.

I don't want to go to hospital because I'd feel way too vulnerable.. as paranoid as it sounds I've had enough bad experiences with professionals already and being in a place where most things are gonna be taken away from you and you're already branded as a crazy person (not my personal thoughts obviously but that is the general stigma imo) if something happened I wouldn't have anyone to tell or anyone who would believe me.

I don't trust anyone to properly look out for me anymore, but at the same time my anxiety and agoraphobia etc. is so bad I know I can't legitimately get a job and manage bills etc. as little things stress me out and the first thing I go to when I feel stressed out and trapped is harmful stuff which I'm kind of ashamed to admit but it's nothing that harms other people.. which leaves me with the option of staying with my family. At this point I can't tell if they mean well or not. To me the things they do and say to me is just too messed up to justify in any situation but then again I'm so messed up even my counsellors don't know what to do with me so yeah I can get why people would hate me.

But if so why do people not agree with suicide in instances like this? .-. I don't get what I'm supposed to do here. I live and be a burden and be alone and make everyone angry and suffer or die and don't have to suffer or get in the way anymore. Or maybe I will suffer, I don't know what comes after death. I'm not saying everyone should do it of course, I just don't know what options I have personally. Even physically now I'm being affected due to stress.

I hate feeling this way and having to say such negative things and saying "but" all the time. Things like doing hobbies and talking to people and distracting myself don't work anymore. Even hurting myself doesn't work for as long as it used to. I'm getting worse every day and I really don't want to die never having been truly happy or knowing what love - any kind of love, friendship romantically or otherwise - feels like.

So looking for any other suggestions if possible on how to get better or ways to escape/be independent taking into consideration my problems.

Currently going through the motions of therapy and counselling but I'm still getting worse. I already made a super long post before so yeah there are other issues but that's in the other post I made. I'm not supposed to be such a miserable person. My personality is to be happy and bubbly.. not this :/

 

[WhisprWriter]

I've dealt with a lot of things similar to this so I'll give introspection and advice based off of my own experiences and I sincerely hope they might be able to help

Lots to reply here so I'll be taking it one section at a time ---

Hello.. so as are quite a few people on here I'm worried that I'll spend the rest of my life alone. I'm still a teen, I know, and I'm grateful to still have limbs and not be out in a country at war etc. but as time goes by I'm deteriorating really quickly

The rest of your life is FILLED with opportunities to meet new people, both online and in person. It seems like once you find one or a couple the deteriorating feeling will vanish

It's to the point now where I don't feel like I have much control over myself anymore and feel almost in a constant daze like I have nothing to lose. I'm trying to get better by getting professional help and there are some people on here I talk to every now and then which is nice but I can't shake this feeling that's getting stronger. Even if strangers are mean to me its a huge blow to my self-esteem but then when people who are close to me are mean it pushes me back so much more yet it's something I can't control.

Professional help can be a very positive decision. Have you tried getting out and doing something different? I get in a daze from the repetitive actions of life. But going out on some sort of adventure (by myself there too but something different) usually gets rid of it for a while, until i go find something else to do in a couple weeks

As far as people being mean, surround yourself with people that build you up. If a friend is tearing you down, are they really a friend? I wouldn't say so. The easy answer is to become secure in yourself so that mean things don't really hurt you but I understand that that is very hard to do, and a different process for everyone.

I don't want to go to hospital because I'd feel way too vulnerable.. as paranoid as it sounds I've had enough bad experiences with professionals already and being in a place where most things are gonna be taken away from you and you're already branded as a crazy person (not my personal thoughts obviously but that is the general stigma imo) if something happened I wouldn't have anyone to tell or anyone who would believe me.

A hospital would be a last resort - but a much better option than ending one's life. A doctor there might be able to give you the tools to help your life. I would rather be branded a crazy person (a brand that would go away after a few months) and have a positive life than actively avoid the help and have no life at all if it came to that.

I don't trust anyone to properly look out for me anymore, but at the same time my anxiety and agoraphobia etc. is so bad I know I can't legitimately get a job and manage bills etc. as little things stress me out and the first thing I go to when I feel stressed out and trapped is harmful stuff which I'm kind of ashamed to admit but it's nothing that harms other people.. which leaves me with the option of staying with my family. At this point I can't tell if they mean well or not. To me the things they do and say to me is just too messed up to justify in any situation but then again I'm so messed up even my counselors don't know what to do with me so yeah I can get why people would hate me.

With stress you need something to de-stress. Find something that you enjoy doing. Something that takes away the worries of the world and is healthy for you (i.e. NOT drugs like heroine, meth etc ) Family can be very harsh and there are a lot of compromises that have to be made to live with them. Have you tried finding a work-at-home job? Some are pretty lucrative. Finding a stable job would allow you your own place and if the job is enjoyable then you should be set for establishing yourself

But if so why do people not agree with suicide in instances like this? .-. I don't get what I'm supposed to do here. I live and be a burden and be alone and make everyone angry and suffer or die and don't have to suffer or get in the way anymore. Or maybe I will suffer, I don't know what comes after death. I'm not saying everyone should do it of course, I just don't know what options I have personally. Even physically now I'm being affected due to stress.

It's not agreeable because once you get past this stage life tends to brighten up. How many years have you lived? How many of those years have been stressing you out? How many years do you have left? Let's say you've lived 19 years. If 5 of those years have been really hard it looks like a REALLY big part of your life. But you forget about the ~65 years that you have left for things to turn around and get better. If things turn around soon and remain pretty good the stressed part of your life will look very small compared to very big like it looks today.

I hate feeling this way and having to say such negative things and saying "but" all the time. Things like doing hobbies and talking to people and distracting myself don't work anymore. Even hurting myself doesn't work for as long as it used to. I'm getting worse every day and I really don't want to die never having been truly happy or knowing what love - any kind of love, friendship romantically or otherwise - feels like.

New things. New distractions. New places. If the old stuff isn't working any more, new stuff can work a whole lot better. Coupled with improvement in social areas you'll eventually not even need these distractions and they can go back to being hobbies instead of life-lines.

If you don't want to die never feeling love then stick it out and find that person! they are floating around somewhere. Someone for everyone right? You're not excluded. It might take a while and it might take some effort but eventually you'll bump into them.

So looking for any other suggestions if possible on how to get better or ways to escape/be independent taking into consideration my problems.

In short:
1. Keep up with therapy if you think it's helping
2. Try new things/ places/ people
3. Hang in there, life will brighten up one of these days
4. Be patient. Rushing this can just fight the process
5. Be hopeful for the future. It's going to get better.

Currently going through the motions of therapy and counselling but I'm still getting worse. I already made a super long post before so yeah there are other issues but that's in the other post I made. I'm not supposed to be such a miserable person. My personality is to be happy and bubbly.. not this :/

Your personality is what it is - there is no shame in sadness. There is also no pressure to be happy/ bubbly (it's preferred, but only because it is better for your health)

I hope some of this can help, it did for me. If you need someone to talk to / vent or just have a regular ol' conversation I'm sure not only I but several other forum members are here for you

 

[LonesomeDay]

Hi - I understand much of what you write about, as it has been my experience too.

One thing I learned over the years is that the whole 'personal growth' area (counselling/therapy etc) is so vast and diverse in schools of thought and approach, that it really helps to learn more about the subect for yourself (via libraries, online etc). In my view, once you start on a journey of self-development, it becomes a long-term (or lifelong) process of awareness. Also, it helps if you can find a therapist (or someone) that you trust.

Perhaps most of all I believe in the healing power of meaningful friendships.