should i dump my best friend?

[jayme89]

I have a friend who i've known since high school (about 8 yrs now). I consider her my best friend and feel I can trust her. Over the years we've kept in touch but have led separate lives. I went to college, graduated, and got a well paying job. She's had a hard time. didn't complete college, couldn't get into the military, and had a very hard time finding a job. I'm really determined and am now working towards grad school. Of course my network of friends has expanded since i've been in school and working, but in her case i'm literally her ONLY friend. Sometimes I feel she feels obligated to hang out with me and doesn't really like me that much. This feeling comes when we're around a 3rd party.

She suddenly starts making rude snarky comments about me as a "joke". I guess this is her way of trying to "bond" with my friends by putting me down? Even they notice it. She never is hurtful to me when its just us two and we have a good time, but when others are around she turns against me and makes these "jokes" at my expense. One example: we've gone out to bars only a couple times together. i've never been drunk or out of control but she'll comment to others that i'm an alcoholic! Which is ridiculous because she's literally been drunk and thrown up in my car! All this makes me feel like she may be jealous of me and really doesn't like me at all. What do you think i should do about this?

another example, i have a car that i saved money for and bought cash. its not a new fancy car, its quite old but its mine. she doesn't have a car at all. 97% of the time we hang out its me driving. She'll make comments about my car calling it "junk" or she'll try to say i'm a bad driver (which i'm not). aren't these signs of just a hater? it seems like there's some sort of underlying tension or some issue she has with me but is too afraid to bring up to me. Maybe she wants me to end the friendship? I've know her so long and i've valued our friendship in the past but i can't be around people who want to bring me down. Mainly i'm not sure if its a problem worth solving because its been happening for awhile now and i feel she should know better.

any suggestions will be a huge help. i'm a really empathetic person and i try to put myself in the shoes of others but i'm having a hard time with this being that she's being such a B#$&*

 

[Edward W]

Hmm, it does sound like she is envious of you and is hence putting you down.

Perhaps you could just not activly seek her out for a while and see what happens?

I feel a true friend would not pull you down as you describe, sure there may be some jokey comments, but nothing continuous which is what is sounds like.

I agree, why have someone like that around?

 

[SofiasMami]

If you still value the friendship, you could have a serious talk with her. Maybe she's having personal problems and taking it out you. If she dismisses your concerns, you can decide accordingly what to do. I've had to break up with a friend or two and it's not easy or fun.

-Teresa

 

[Blue Thunder]

I agree with SofiasMami. I think next time when you are alone together and feel that it's an appropriate moment to talk, you should have a serious discussion about your friendship. Make sure to specifically mention the way you feel when she makes nasty comments about you in front of your other friends. You need to be as direct as possible about it and act sooner rather than later. A lot of people react to situations like this through either avoidant or passive aggressive behavior, which would be the worst way to deal with this conflict, so don't be that person because you have to demonstrate that you're mature in order for you to get what you want from her. Furthermore, communicating your feelings is obviously important to you because you've been friends with her for eight years -- that's a long time to invest with someone, and I can sense from the tone of your post that there is a lot of emotion attached to this situation. If she's reasonable, she will accept responsibility for her rude behavior; if not, you may have little choice except to let go of her at least until she can consistently act in a respectful manner.

I can loosely identify with her situation in the way that I was attached to a best friend who over time made many other friends, except I never made nasty comments about my friend. I spent all my free time with this former friend during my freshman year in college -- we helped each other get through very difficult moments, and I went out of my way to help her on numerous occasions such as when her roommate from hell and her roommate's friends were making disgustingly racist comments to her. She was a lot of fun to be around when we were friends. I transferred to another school my sophomore year and we stayed in touch for a few years beyond that, but it was largely because of my efforts to call her (she never called me first, unfortunately) and also I had no other real friends. I guess I got too clingy, or maybe she was still offended that I transferred and left her at the other school, and so eventually she stopped calling back. She never mentioned what the real problem was. This was a situation that could have been resolved through discussion, which is why I think it's crucial that in your case you should be as direct as possible in communicating to your friend how you feel.

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

I actually think she may just have a bad sense of humor. I may actually have it too, as I kinda find that funny. Making fun of someone being an alcoholic when he is not and everyone knows it? hihi And the car thing? I would totally make fun of my friend for his car even if he had a Mercedes. And I actually have friends like that, and dont envy them...That is why I said that, just a bad sense of humor.... But that is only a possibility, I do not know if that is the truth.

But I think that if you really are concerned, or at least unhappy with the way she treats you, definitely talk to her. Was those 8 years good? Dont dump her because of bad few months, or even a year-two. Dont dump anyone because of bad jokes. At least not before you try to talk to her, set things right.

On the other side of this "humor" I would see two other possibilities. Either she is sad, and feeling less of herself when compared to you..I would actually say it may be kinda harsh depression actually.
And the other one is that she has feelings for you.

That is what I felt from the post. Bad humor / Depression / Loves you .... One of those three...Or even maybe combined.



I may be totally wrong though. But anyways, TALK TO HER. Seriously, and honestly. You are her friend. Friends need each other. In the good times, and more so, in the bad ones.

 

[lostatsea]

I agree with the general consensus that you should have a talk with her before suddenly ending the friendship. If you care about her and value her as a friend, it could be traumatic for her losing you as her only friend. She could be envious of you, and likewise feel terrible of herself. All that might be a defense mechanism for making herself feel better even at your expense. She might not even know she's doing it.

A talk about it could go a long way.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with others here that it sounds as though she is envious.
If you feel unable to talk to her about her comments (in your position I would find it hard to broach the subject) maybe you could just keep your meetings with her to the two of you and don't take her along when you are with your other friends. This way she wouldn't hurt you by making horrible comments and you wouldn't have to end the friendship with her.

 

[Sci-Fi]

First of all, you say she's your best friend and you are empathetic but you call her a *****? Don't do that, please. I'm not saying that as a moderator I'm just saying that because after reading your post it really bothered me. Like others have said, this girl is envious of you and I'd add jealous into that too. You seem to have had it pretty easy while she's had it rough. That is tough for a person.

 

[crowtching tiger]

You said she has no friends?

This leads me to believe she has little to no male physical contact. Therefore she is irate when you are not alone with her.

Concluding that she is, as the hipsters are saying, "thirsty".

This could all be rendered useless if you yourself are a female.

 

[edamame721]

I'd suggest talking to her about how her comments are making you feel. (I'm guessing she's putting you down in front of your friends because she's jealous and wants your friendship to herself.) Try not to be hostile because you'll get a hostile reaction. If you trust her, then trust first that she will change once she knows she is hurting you. If she doesn't, then you should consider ending the friendship.

 

[jayme89]

First of all, you say she's your best friend and you are empathetic but you call her a *****? Don't do that, please. I'm not saying that as a moderator I'm just saying that because after reading your post it really bothered me. Like others have said, this girl is envious of you and I'd add jealous into that too. You seem to have had it pretty easy while she's had it rough. That is tough for a person.

I apologize if the term offended you or anyone else...I was just trying to express the fact that I'm usually able to understand people and put myself in their shoes which makes it so I don't get offended easily or take things personally, but since this is my best friend acting awful towards me its hard to be empathetic in this situation. I must say, I have NOT had it easy...AT ALL. And SHE knows that as well. I fought for every single thing I have. My stupid degree, my bucket of a car. My tattered clothes. I worked for it all. Mommy and daddy didn't give me a dime. She's had it easy. She's been given everything. She hasn't moved on with her life because she hasn't had to. But thats not the point.

The point is, I called her crying on the verge of suicide NUMEROUS times while trying to get my degree, and when I had to move back home, and was being bullied by mother for not having a job. I am a very unattractive person, I believe I have undiagnosed Aspergers. I stutter. I'll never be deemed desirable or get married.I have to rely on my job and education to give me enjoyment in life. I have a mother who resents my existence, a father I've never met, and a stepfather who abused me physically and emotionally. I spent $60,000 on an undergrad degree but couldn't get a job in the field so now I have to take more classes to even have a chance at grad school and take out more loans to have the shot of a career! She is beautiful, tall thin, smart. Thats why, if she is jealous of me its ridiculous.

Sorry, I guess I should have added all this in the original post but I was really trying to keep it short. My usual stupidity and lack of appropriate conversation skills makes it so I say or right things that are constantly misunderstood. The last thing I wanted was to seem like some narcissistic person who thinks she's "all that" and thinks everyone has to be jealous of her. That wasn't my intention. I probably was just overanalyzing the situation and using those reasons as why she's being mean to me but it may not be it at all. She could just be treating me bad because she simply wants to. It wouldn't be the first time in my life I've been used as a human punching bag. The fact that I've been through such hell in my life makes me angry to think of ANYONE especially my best friend being jealous of me. The fact that she would be jealous of ME and result to insults when we're around others is whats upsetting. Thats what I don't get.

What's there to be jealous of? I look and sound like a man. I have crooked teeth. I have a gross birth defect on my eye so people don't even like making eye contact with me. It took me 5 yrs to graduate from college. I spent 90% of that time alone in a little dorm room binging and purging my food out of depression and loneliness. I'm messed up sir. VERY messed up. I force myself to live. I force myself to go out and make a couple friends. I know I come on here every so often and make positive posts but that takes effort. I'm just trying to convince myself that life is worth living. What I really want it to curl up and die but I fight to live and find some enjoyment in my life. I don't have an easy life and I don't see myself above others. And in this hellhole of an existence when I do manage to get out the house and can stand to show my horrendous face in public, i want it to be a positive experience. I don't want to be put down by a friend. I see myself inferior to every person I come in contact with and thats the gods honest truth.

Sorry for the rant but I just felt the need to defend myself because you really misunderstood me but I know its my fault.

---

You said she has no friends?

This leads me to believe she has little to no male physical contact. Therefore she is irate when you are not alone with her.

Concluding that she is, as the hipsters are saying, "thirsty".

This could all be rendered useless if you yourself are a female.

I'm female

---

I'd suggest talking to her about how her comments are making you feel. (I'm guessing she's putting you down in front of your friends because she's jealous and wants your friendship to herself.) Try not to be hostile because you'll get a hostile reaction. If you trust her, then trust first that she will change once she knows she is hurting you. If she doesn't, then you should consider ending the friendship.

Thank you. great advice i'll definitely do this.