alphacompton
Active member
Hi, I recently joined this forum. I think my current unhappiness with life is due to combination of many of the worst factors.
For starters I am west Indian with a 1/4 Chinese. since High School I have been typically confused for a Indian from India. As I do not look west Indian or Chinese. Even West Indian's sometimes do not see me as West Indian. Anyway I'm fairly overweight. Also I have a bit of a weird issue (that I've been seeing my doctor about) where some parts of my skin get very dry and ashy ( and my doctor doesn't know what to do) but at least they are covered with normal clothes except the neck area.
I don't see how it could be worse unless I had a deformation of some kind.
I used to have more confidence in myself back in highschool but that was just my senior year.
I've started to hate life. I've tried working out and exercising since high school but nothing seems to have any noticeable effect. I've always had bad or cautious reactions from classmates but I've thought nothing of it. I realize now how they see me. So I've given up on relationships and I don't take time to go up to meet new people because I just assume they wouldn't want to talk with someone of my qualities.
When I really think about how I feel so alone or emo I feel something different I feel some kind of chemical reaction or something with my heart. I try to be really logical and scientific ( as science fascinates me). I wonder if it's a problem or disorder I have. No idea. I spend too much time daydreaming about what life would be like if I was a different race or not fat. I know it's bad to spend too much time thinking about that stuff so I've been trying to stop so now I just spend a lot of time watching tv shows and anime. I guess that's my distraction from life.
I'm 27 , I only have an associates and I live with my parents. I should really have a 4 year college degree by now or higher and a decent job and moved out. I made terrible choices to mess up college and not take it serious when I first started, so I feel like a failure. I'm doing my best to make up for it but there is simply no way to make up for lost time.
I don't want to admit it but like everyone here I really feel lonely and I miss having a girlfriend. I dumped my ex after 5 years because she had become so different and her parents never accepted me and most of all she just saw me in such a different light ( bad way) than every single person I have ever known and that bothered me so much. I would never get back with that girl but I miss being in a relationship, I miss holding hands going somewhere, I miss being leaned on , I miss putting my arm around someone. I have a friend that does that with me sometimes but it's not the same because we don't like each other romantically. She's just being nice because she know's I'm lonely.
I feel like Life would be so much better for me and I would be so much happier if I had a girlfriend but I know that with my current attitude no girl would be interested , not to mention she won't just fall out of the sky. I guess what I want to say is I feel like I can get myself together just for a short time but I yearn for someone to help support me and I would support them.
Back in Highschool I fell in love with a girl at first sight and I spent most of my time getting to know her even though she wasn't in my class, I did lost a lot of weight exercising and starving myself because when asked why I was going so hard I said Christina wouldn't go out with a fat person. She was my motivation. Is it wrong for me to feel the need for motivation . Everyone says stuff like " you need to love yourself before others " or " you need to lose weight for yourself". I'm slowly starting to accept myself for who I am but I can't say I love myself because I don't want to love myself if a girl can't love me. This sounds pathetic to me but I think this is the place to share these feeling because I can't share them anywhere else.
For starters I am west Indian with a 1/4 Chinese. since High School I have been typically confused for a Indian from India. As I do not look west Indian or Chinese. Even West Indian's sometimes do not see me as West Indian. Anyway I'm fairly overweight. Also I have a bit of a weird issue (that I've been seeing my doctor about) where some parts of my skin get very dry and ashy ( and my doctor doesn't know what to do) but at least they are covered with normal clothes except the neck area.
So my appearance is , Fat , probably Ugly and Indian.
I don't see how it could be worse unless I had a deformation of some kind.
I used to have more confidence in myself back in highschool but that was just my senior year.
I've started to hate life. I've tried working out and exercising since high school but nothing seems to have any noticeable effect. I've always had bad or cautious reactions from classmates but I've thought nothing of it. I realize now how they see me. So I've given up on relationships and I don't take time to go up to meet new people because I just assume they wouldn't want to talk with someone of my qualities.
When I really think about how I feel so alone or emo I feel something different I feel some kind of chemical reaction or something with my heart. I try to be really logical and scientific ( as science fascinates me). I wonder if it's a problem or disorder I have. No idea. I spend too much time daydreaming about what life would be like if I was a different race or not fat. I know it's bad to spend too much time thinking about that stuff so I've been trying to stop so now I just spend a lot of time watching tv shows and anime. I guess that's my distraction from life.
I'm 27 , I only have an associates and I live with my parents. I should really have a 4 year college degree by now or higher and a decent job and moved out. I made terrible choices to mess up college and not take it serious when I first started, so I feel like a failure. I'm doing my best to make up for it but there is simply no way to make up for lost time.
I don't want to admit it but like everyone here I really feel lonely and I miss having a girlfriend. I dumped my ex after 5 years because she had become so different and her parents never accepted me and most of all she just saw me in such a different light ( bad way) than every single person I have ever known and that bothered me so much. I would never get back with that girl but I miss being in a relationship, I miss holding hands going somewhere, I miss being leaned on , I miss putting my arm around someone. I have a friend that does that with me sometimes but it's not the same because we don't like each other romantically. She's just being nice because she know's I'm lonely.
I feel like Life would be so much better for me and I would be so much happier if I had a girlfriend but I know that with my current attitude no girl would be interested , not to mention she won't just fall out of the sky. I guess what I want to say is I feel like I can get myself together just for a short time but I yearn for someone to help support me and I would support them.
Back in Highschool I fell in love with a girl at first sight and I spent most of my time getting to know her even though she wasn't in my class, I did lost a lot of weight exercising and starving myself because when asked why I was going so hard I said Christina wouldn't go out with a fat person. She was my motivation. Is it wrong for me to feel the need for motivation . Everyone says stuff like " you need to love yourself before others " or " you need to lose weight for yourself". I'm slowly starting to accept myself for who I am but I can't say I love myself because I don't want to love myself if a girl can't love me. This sounds pathetic to me but I think this is the place to share these feeling because I can't share them anywhere else.