Osiris
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- Jun 6, 2017
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First of all, no I haven't got any plans to commit suicide yet. But I am scared enough of me just doing it that I'm writing a suicide note on my tablet to be found if I die. I need to get this all off my chest if anyone cares please read.
I can't keep fighting, I feel like my entire life I've been struggling to keep my head above water and watching everyone paddle about. I grew up without really seeing my Dad, I'd see him 1 week every year because of money and school. For some reason I'd always look out for him in school plays though, because he surprised me once when I knew he was coming but didn't know when he would get here. I got used to disappointment quickly. Watching other dads play with their sons in the park while my mum did her best was really hard. She'd have woke me, got me dressed, fed me, done the dishes, hoovered, you name it then she'd still play with me. She even admitted to me as I got older how hard it was.
Then I went to the probably the roughest school in my area. Fights everyday, gangs etc. Got used to watching my back. I used to envy my cousin when we talked about school he would talk about girls and I'd be talking about a kid bringing in a bb gun to shoot someone in the head and getting arrested (This was only primary school!). Still, somehow I tried to stay optimistic. Thinking to myself "things'll change once I'm in high school" but of course again I went to the roughest high school. The first year I went they changed it from an all boys school to a mixed in the hope girls might quieten some of the boys down...ha! Then came anxiety, it started with not turning up to classes because if the door was shut (there was no windows) I would be too scared to go in incase it was the wrong class. Then it became going to school, then it became going out of the house. Now a nice few years of crippling depression where I lost most of my friends because I didn't think anyone would want to hang around me. The only friend I had at the time lived in my block. Genuinely the realest, nicest, most down to earth man you'd ever meet. I looked up to him like a brother I never had, I actually remember sitting in my room imagining what he would say to my mum if I killed myself. Then he moved and we didn't talk much but we would have always been there for eachother. If you can't tell where this is leading by now it gets a lot worse. He took his life because of his ex not letting him see his kids, they were his world and when she took them he had nothing to fight for anymore. At this time I had just made a new friend and he was really good to me, trying to bring me out of my shell. When the news came through what had happened, it was like living in a parallel universe. I remember thinking I was going to pass out when I read it. Honestly, seeing his mum post about him on Facebook still kills me.
Now let's take you quickly to my teenage years, no girls...oh no! Gun in my face at 12, a knife saved my life at around 14. And a massive fire nearly burned down our block. We struggled to eat properly as money became tighter. And things started taking a toll on my mum, she'd been fighting as well this whole time and I realized I had to start doing my part. Which a lot of the time was just look scary and be ready to fight anyone who tries to push through the door (Robbers or Bailiffs). I walked everywhere with my knife, slept with a hatchet next to me and another knife and bat by the door. It was at this age I started thinking "what girl is ever going to want to live this life?" I know a lot of people are in similar positions but I seemed to always be in the thick of it. It was my friends getting stabbed, robbed at gunpoint etc. But again I told myself things will get better... naturally things didn't.
Now I'm living in a different country with my dad where I don't even understand the language. Have no job options but to work with him, and I'm still not any nearer to getting a girlfriend (Hell, I'd be over the moon with a one night stand) and considering I've not gone to high school really I don't really know how to flirt or anything. I mean I do, but not very well. Also I managed to get mugged for half the money I have yesterday, that's what I get for letting my guard down for the first time in my life. Honestly, I would do anything for a girl that just cared. After a hard day I have no-one to talk to but this site, and I can't really hug my tablet when I'm upset.
Finally! This leads me to now, I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I get scared when I'm drunk I'll just swim out into the sea and hope the tide takes me away. The only thing that stops me killing myself right now is my mum. She deserves to see her son succeed after everything she's done for me. But all I want now is a Girl, maybe a kid in ths future. I just want to know what that love feels like before I die. Even if I don't commit suicide, I'll probably accidentally kill myself anyway because I just don't care. I feel like a boxer that after winning a fight gets told he has another opponent, again and again and again. I'm tired of swinging!
I've still left so much out it's incredible when I think how I've survived, I swear if I ever have kids I'll make sure they never live the life I have. I know there's so many people worse than me so it makes me feel like I can't complain.
Sorry, when I started writing this I thought it was going to be a quick "I'm so tired of fighting" the end! So if you read all the way down to here. Thank you for reading.
I can't keep fighting, I feel like my entire life I've been struggling to keep my head above water and watching everyone paddle about. I grew up without really seeing my Dad, I'd see him 1 week every year because of money and school. For some reason I'd always look out for him in school plays though, because he surprised me once when I knew he was coming but didn't know when he would get here. I got used to disappointment quickly. Watching other dads play with their sons in the park while my mum did her best was really hard. She'd have woke me, got me dressed, fed me, done the dishes, hoovered, you name it then she'd still play with me. She even admitted to me as I got older how hard it was.
Then I went to the probably the roughest school in my area. Fights everyday, gangs etc. Got used to watching my back. I used to envy my cousin when we talked about school he would talk about girls and I'd be talking about a kid bringing in a bb gun to shoot someone in the head and getting arrested (This was only primary school!). Still, somehow I tried to stay optimistic. Thinking to myself "things'll change once I'm in high school" but of course again I went to the roughest high school. The first year I went they changed it from an all boys school to a mixed in the hope girls might quieten some of the boys down...ha! Then came anxiety, it started with not turning up to classes because if the door was shut (there was no windows) I would be too scared to go in incase it was the wrong class. Then it became going to school, then it became going out of the house. Now a nice few years of crippling depression where I lost most of my friends because I didn't think anyone would want to hang around me. The only friend I had at the time lived in my block. Genuinely the realest, nicest, most down to earth man you'd ever meet. I looked up to him like a brother I never had, I actually remember sitting in my room imagining what he would say to my mum if I killed myself. Then he moved and we didn't talk much but we would have always been there for eachother. If you can't tell where this is leading by now it gets a lot worse. He took his life because of his ex not letting him see his kids, they were his world and when she took them he had nothing to fight for anymore. At this time I had just made a new friend and he was really good to me, trying to bring me out of my shell. When the news came through what had happened, it was like living in a parallel universe. I remember thinking I was going to pass out when I read it. Honestly, seeing his mum post about him on Facebook still kills me.
Now let's take you quickly to my teenage years, no girls...oh no! Gun in my face at 12, a knife saved my life at around 14. And a massive fire nearly burned down our block. We struggled to eat properly as money became tighter. And things started taking a toll on my mum, she'd been fighting as well this whole time and I realized I had to start doing my part. Which a lot of the time was just look scary and be ready to fight anyone who tries to push through the door (Robbers or Bailiffs). I walked everywhere with my knife, slept with a hatchet next to me and another knife and bat by the door. It was at this age I started thinking "what girl is ever going to want to live this life?" I know a lot of people are in similar positions but I seemed to always be in the thick of it. It was my friends getting stabbed, robbed at gunpoint etc. But again I told myself things will get better... naturally things didn't.
Now I'm living in a different country with my dad where I don't even understand the language. Have no job options but to work with him, and I'm still not any nearer to getting a girlfriend (Hell, I'd be over the moon with a one night stand) and considering I've not gone to high school really I don't really know how to flirt or anything. I mean I do, but not very well. Also I managed to get mugged for half the money I have yesterday, that's what I get for letting my guard down for the first time in my life. Honestly, I would do anything for a girl that just cared. After a hard day I have no-one to talk to but this site, and I can't really hug my tablet when I'm upset.
Finally! This leads me to now, I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I get scared when I'm drunk I'll just swim out into the sea and hope the tide takes me away. The only thing that stops me killing myself right now is my mum. She deserves to see her son succeed after everything she's done for me. But all I want now is a Girl, maybe a kid in ths future. I just want to know what that love feels like before I die. Even if I don't commit suicide, I'll probably accidentally kill myself anyway because I just don't care. I feel like a boxer that after winning a fight gets told he has another opponent, again and again and again. I'm tired of swinging!
I've still left so much out it's incredible when I think how I've survived, I swear if I ever have kids I'll make sure they never live the life I have. I know there's so many people worse than me so it makes me feel like I can't complain.
Sorry, when I started writing this I thought it was going to be a quick "I'm so tired of fighting" the end! So if you read all the way down to here. Thank you for reading.