That moment where you think the clouds are gone.

[Unwanted94]

Let's discuss that moment that most of us have probably felt where we think our lonely days are all over,and that the depression is gone and that we're 'over it'.


I know that I have had these moments quite a few times, but in actuality, my loneliness is worse than ever,and that's probably because I'm around people a lot now since I'm working,and my depression gets so ******* bad when I'm around people (aka at work). It sucks because I'm a friendly friendless guy who deals with people all day, literally,and then go home to my lonesome. On off days, I do nothing but stay home and mess around with my hobbies and lounge.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Ive had depression most of my life, off and on.
However, Ive been in recovery and had conseling when I was in my early 20s.
It was helpful. I met some people that had depression too.
Sharing about it helps. And having suportive people help.

I still attend support groups from time to time but Ive had falling
out or dont attend as much. Mainly due to my ExGF that was talking
honeysuckle about me and all the guys in there just wanna bang her.
So i did the next best thing. I banged the hottest chicks out
of the group of people my ex was hanging with.
Rub all the honeysuckle in the other dudes faces too cuase they couldnt
banged either one of those women....
fresia it. I dont give a fresia

Anyway...I went through a very deep depression 4 yrs ago.
It was very very bad...but I walked through it somehow.
It's like my mind and body would allow me to get that depress again.
My mind and body will give me warning signs or red flags. I'll catch myself
then take the necessary measure not to alllow myself to get depressed.

Ive also been doing a lot of self work. I dont take any meds or pills.
I use the sedona methdoe, Brain sync, Seggio tones...ect
I have alot of healthy living tools Ive learned over the years through recovery.
I dont always apply them. When I do...they work.
If it dosnt Oh mother fucken well...this in itself works too.lol

My life had been rather eventful for the past couple of years.lol
Lots of relationship troubles. Lots of bombshells. Even my ex-wf wanted to get back
with me...stuff like. Weird unplanned stuff. Like i say...bombshells left and right.
Lots of women, from flings, threesome, women half my age, rebounds, serious relationships, to friends with benifits.

Im in the friends with benifits phase at the moment.
Just got out of a serious relationship...
I still hang out with a few friends. Go out to bars...ect
Meet different women and stuff like that.

Im not taking any of this serious....If i do, i'll just get depressed.
Get into being self critical. Self damnations. Beating up on myself.
Unhealthy negative self defeating behaviors.

Sassy is the love of my life. I did alot to be with her.
Quit my job, moved from state to state...ect
Gave up everything to try to make that work.
Some very serious honeysuckle....She was my HS sweet heart. My Fiance and the
mother of my child. All the right reasons and meaningful purpose to live..ect
It still hurts lots but I cant cry about it anymore. it'll just make me depressed
if i think about it too much.

i havnt had an anxiety attack since i started using the sedona.
My life isnt perfect...but Im far from depression.
If I feel sad or the blues...I dont label it as depression.

 

[ajdass1]

They're deceptive moments, because it often feels SO good to not be depressed again that I'm suckered into thinking, "Gasp! I'll never be depressed again!" Maybe because I've struggled through a specific issue or something and think, "Without this issue, I have no reason to be depressed." When I think that nowadays I'm more aware, though, that that's never going to be true.

Sometimes I think that it's not a bad thing overall to have these ups and downs; after all, the downs make me appreciate the ups a lot more. But that's cold comfort when I'm going through a depressive phase.

 

[Unwanted94]

Sounds like a lot of sex you had going on there. I wonder if you caught something from all that.....
Still. I'm glad I have swiped my V-card. I probably never will either, because true relationships no longer exist. I even had a coworker today tell me that and she was really horny. She told me that no one really wants a relationship these days,which is what I have also noticed. It's really hard to let go of all this fuckery, because when you really want something and you can't have it,you still have that ******* 'want'.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm clean....

Well...I was in a relationship with my exgf for almost 13 years.
My life was rather stable. I went to work and came home to my GF.
I didnt drink. My hobbies was R/C air craft or writting music
so my gf didnt have to worry about me chasing women...stuff like that.
We had our cozzie life for a long time. At that junction I thought Ive
be with her for the rest of my life. We were bascailly married.
All that changes when we lost the twins...our children died.
My exgf was never herself again after that. She snapped.
I stood by her side for 3 yrs after that. Be strong for her.
But she got worst and worst. Somehow or another i turned out to be
her enemy....

So when Sassy came back into my life again. it was like a dream come true.
She was the woman I wanted to married to begin with anyway.
Yeah...all of this relationship, love, sex, how life ought to be or should be
is totally fuckery ridiculous to me now...

Yet i know what it was like to experince a healthy stable relationship
and balance life. I experinced that with Sherry.
But it's all in the past now...

I have Sarah as a friend at the moment. She's sweet to me.
She gives me that comfort of a woman.
Shes adult and mature enough about our situation even if she's half my age.
We had talks about our age differences and many other serious stuff.
It's not the best of sernorio nor what Ive planned.
I had plans and big dreams as Sarah has too.
Broken promises and broken dreams for the both of us...it gets rather depressing if we
talk about it too much. She plays her music. She's a gifted musician. Im a musician too.
But here we are. I cant really complain. It's not just sex between Sarah and I.
She's my freind as I try to be her's. We get alone at the moment.
No commiments, no expectations to fresia things up.....

Yeah...The fucken want of being with Sassy. Both of our hopes and dreams
from the very start. A loving home to raise our children even when we were teen.
I know she loves me...The many many times she cried her heart out for me...even
in front of my parent. The times she begged and pleaded with all the adults in our lives
to give us a chance. I never felt like I had a fair honest chance with her.
Thats why we both tried over and over and over and over again.
5 times already....There's a lot of love somewhere between us......
If i go there....It'll just bring up alot of anger, hatred and alot of ill feelings I have for
life in general.. Sassy is the love of my life. it's depressing honeysuckle to think about it.
I know what I want...as Ive always knew from the moment i met Sassy when i was a kid.

Anyway....as the sedona methode...say
I need to stop figuring out of that honeysuckle out and just let it go. it'll just put me in a mental loop.
I love Sassy and i dont need to stop loving her.
The WANTING and FEELING of SEPARATIONS. I need to let go of these feelings.
Over and over again it'll tell me..
Would rather WANT?
or would you rather HAVE?
I simply need to accept I HAVE her already, stand in the light or vortex with her.
Someday i might grasp it and actaully BE awear that I was never separate from her.
It's my mind that separate things which cuases all my fucken sufferings and problems.
It's some really deep spiritaul and manifestations stuff.
My realtionship with Sassy has very deep meaning, lessons in life and spiritual growth involved.
Sassy pushes me beyound limits...yet at the sametime I feel her love for me
and her gigglely childish laugh she has. Her soul, her innocents or spirit. She's my soul mate.
I get these types of gut feelings at times too....

Ive never love someone so much as Ive love Sassy...yet she's the person that hurted me more
than anyone in my life time. I've hurted her very bad too. It's fucken ridiculous.
But there you have it...some really deep wierd honeysuckle going on beneath the surface of it all.

I guess i can just settle down with some young chick half my age and live a cozzie life.
I can plan it like that....but somewhere I have a deep gut feeling Sassy aint done with me yet
and my life is going to turn upside down no matter what i do....
Becuase i sure as fresia couldnt understand why Sherry lost her fucken mind and our lives turned
upside down no matter what i did to prevented it...Then Sassy simply just fucken showed up.

Whatever the fresia it is Sassy and I are suppost to resolved and learn in this life time or the next.
Lots and lots of unsolved issues between her and I.
Forgivness, unconditional love, the rememberance of love or that awearness of non separations.

 

[Okiedokes]

It's a constant battle.. off on off on, depending on who knows what.. but if you can find something that helps you during the low times, and keep a reminder for yourself when you feel bad, it will help a bit. Pamper yourself if at all possible. Or do something nice for someone to take the focus off.

 

[Unwanted94]

Maybe I should have used a better analogy rather than 'clouds', because I love when it's cloudy outside, but the majority of people find it 'sad'.