The unimportantce of being

[cumulus.james]

Someone online asked what is a very upsetting question for me. Quite a normal question for most people "how are you?". But what if there is no you?

I joined this forum in 2008. I was already dead inside by then. Empty. A hollowed out husk of a man. For more than 7 years I have spent almost every day alone. For over a decade I have not worked. I barely leave the house. I have no friends, I don't expect I ever will have besides those who might take pity enough to to respond to me on here. Such unfortunate people soon find themselves annoyed by my self-loathing. I will never know what it's like to have a long term partner. Since I was 13 all I knew was casual sex. That is no longer available to me now that I am old and ugly.

I just exist. But there is no content to that existence. I am much like Schrodingers unfortunate cat, in a state of quantum superposition. Depression gets the better of me. But there is no me. I am a ghost. A revolting spectre haunting the earth, for the most part invisible, unseen.

Einstein said to Bohr if nobody looks at the moon is the moon still there? The implication being that matter does not come into being until it is observed. It is worse than that for a human. The self does not exist unless it is loved. I never will be loved. I never will exist.

 

[Paraiyar]

Are you physically well enough to leave the house more often? Maybe it'd be a good thing to start going for walks?

 

[cumulus.james]

What's the point. There's nothing out there for me.

 

[Paraiyar]

You might get more sun exposure and feel better as a result. Plus it'd be a change from how you've been doing things.

 

[dd11]

There is a You. You are here. You exist. A human being needs to be loved. Yes, that love must start with oneself. When we love ourselves, that opens the door for others to love us. I think that is the place to start. Explore you. Explore your passions or desires. If you don't have any, then put yourself out there and open your mind and try. Join some clubs, volunteer to help at the food bank. Learn to bake or cook. There are many things you can do to challenge you and to advance You. Exercise, get some nice clothes, coach some youth teams, etc. You can love yourself.

 

[cumulus.james]

I don't think society realized what it did to some of us with its homophobia. It devastated our childhoods and you (many of us start to know before puberty) and some, like me, never recovered. Now I am nothing and I have to live in a head of painful memories.

 

[TheRealCallie]

You can't help those who won't help themselves....

 

[Paraiyar]

I don't think society realized what it did to some of us with its homophobia. It devastated our childhoods and you (many of us start to know before puberty) and some, like me, never recovered. Now I am nothing and I have to live in a head of painful memories.

A question: what is it you're hoping to gain from this thread?

 

[ladyforsaken]

I don't think society realized what it did to some of us with its homophobia. It devastated our childhoods and you (many of us start to know before puberty) and some, like me, never recovered. Now I am nothing and I have to live in a head of painful memories.

A question: what is it you're hoping to gain from this thread?

That's a good question.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I don't think society realized what it did to some of us with its homophobia. It devastated our childhoods and you (many of us start to know before puberty) and some, like me, never recovered. Now I am nothing and I have to live in a head of painful memories.

A question: what is it you're hoping to gain from this thread?

attention

 

[constant stranger]

I think that your participation in this forum is itself an affirmation that you're still alive and functioning.....not to a high degree by your own account but nevertheless you still think, feel and communicate therefore you still exist.

But your existence seems like a kind of limbo: not actively living but not dead yet either. And you HAVE considered checking out of the hotel haven't you?

So what are you going to do? Stay shut at home a few more years and blame the world for hurting you? You come here for something maybe you should go to a gay support site; or get in shape physically; read the works of Shakespeare....or Oscar Wilde; specialize in studying the history of Cyprus or the 18th dynasty of Egypt; build ships in a bottle. For Christ's sake you are alive so do some effing thing that is actually living.

The limbo of complaining and blaming has got to be a bore.

 

[cumulus.james]

You know I'm not the only person to be noticing this forum appears to be dominated by ignorant mean spirited people who have apparently scarcely known a moment's loneliness in their lives who feel the need to comment on anything and everything no matter how little they understand about it, and to simply make thier mark. Sort of like animals marking thier territory.

If you can't identify with a thread and wish only to patronize/condescend then frankly you need to shutthefuckup.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Stop thinking you are worse off than everyone else. You don't know that you are. If you want help, try helping yourself because nothing anyone says to you matters at all. Many of us have tried to help you, but you didn't want our help. You wanted to attack and it appears as though that's still the case.

As I said, you can't help those who won't help themselves.

 

[Paraiyar]

James, is there anything we can say that would help? I'm not here to have a go at you, just don't know how to help beyond what I've said.

 

[Wayfarer]

Ok, normally I wouldn't have posted to this thread, but I sense some tension building up, and so I decided to.
First of all, I usually avoid posting to thread about topics I know very little about (without further research) or where I don't understand what the purpose is (and so I'm afraid to hurt the OP with a thoughtless remark).

Someone online asked what is a very upsetting question for me. Quite a normal question for most people "how are you?". But what if there is no you?

I just exist. But there is no content to that existence. I am much like Schrodingers unfortunate cat, in a state of quantum superposition. Depression gets the better of me. But there is no me. I am a ghost. A revolting spectre haunting the earth, for the most part invisible, unseen.

I can understand that. I still don't know who or what " I " am. Depression often gets the better of me too, but lately I've been feeling better.
Bad times are always there and a moment of weakness may cause a "relapse".

I don't have a ready answer like most people that already posted. And some of them are some useful tips, to me at least. I don't know if that's the case with you but in my case the first step was stopping to blame myself, stopping to blame other people.

I hope you don't see this post of mine as mean and of myself as patronizing. Just meant to say I feel like I understand what you are going through, even with my limited life experience (I guess I'm still considered very young). If you ever feel you need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to send me a PM. I'll listen

 

[dd11]

You do not have to become your illness. You are NOT depression. Depression is not you. Yes, it will try to rob you of You. That is the battle.

 

[constant stranger]

Your mind is made up about things isn't it, CJ? Everything is bad and nothing is good and if someone doesn't share your worldview you basically give them the finger don't you?

You're making your own bed and you can lay in it.

 

[cumulus.james]

When one comes to a forum called 'A Lonely Life' one hopes to find someone who can identify with how you DO feel. Not people condescending to you about how you OUGHT to feel of you were them. There are shitty self help books a plenty. A connection with someone who understands is what one needs.

 

[Xpendable]

James, is there anything we can say that would help? I'm not here to have a go at you, just don't know how to help beyond what I've said.

Is this so hard to admit for the rest?

 

[cumulus.james]

I was fishing to see if there was someone who felt the same rather than for advice.