The Weight of Other People's Expectations

[Sometimes]

I don't know why, but I can actually feel the weight of other people's expectations. Does anyone else have the sense that other people's expectations have a physical heavy presence, weighing you down?

Sometimes it's like moving through a vat of heavy oil. Sometimes I just feel so pinned down. Other people's can't do, won't do, why do, on top of me. In order to be myself, which is so way different from everyone else around me, I have to keep a distance between myself and all that weight.

Sometimes I let it get to me. Then I get depressed. Sometimes I be just me like I am, and I get afraid because I'm alone, in order to be just me.

 

[Nicolelt]

Oh my gosh....yes!

But I also have a problem where I have the weight of my expectations of what other people should expect from me, and that is much worse, because I am stressing myself out!

And people in a professional setting don't know how to take me sometimes.

 

[Aisha]

Yes. Sometimes the weight is quite tangible. And having mental health issues actually doesn't aid you in living up to those expectations, which is news that I'm sure will come as a surprise to absolutely everyone on this forum.
At at the end of the day, it's your own expectations for yourself you have to be concerned about. And perhaps those of the people who are dearest to you. Those are regrets that will probably be quite hard to get past.

 

[Sometimes]

Yes. Sometimes the weight is quite tangible. And having mental health issues actually doesn't aid you in living up to those expectations, which is news that I'm sure will come as a surprise to absolutely everyone on this forum.
At at the end of the day, it's your own expectations for yourself you have to be concerned about. And perhaps those of the people who are dearest to you. Those are regrets that will probably be quite hard to get past.

The thing is that, it feels more to me like living *down* to other people's expectations, not living *up* to them. They hold me down and I want to rise! Like, sometimes they'll talk to me like "you just don't know yet that you can't..." .

Or, in some cases it could be looked at either way. Like my Dad loved to hobnob with famous people, and he wanted us kids to end up, yknow, rich and powerful. But I wanted to invent, create, understand, know how everything works. I guess I could have felt I couldn't live up to his expectations, but for some reason, I felt like all the expectations were like sandbags holding my inventive air balloon down to the earth.

---

...
But I also have a problem where I have the weight of my expectations of what other people should expect from me, and that is much worse, because I am stressing myself out!
...

Oh yes, I know that one, and then there's the realisation and disappointment that they really never expected half what you did, and you wanted to do twice that, and you believe you really could, so why do they expect so little? But yeah, that is really stressful on yourself.

But it's like, they try to make sure your feet never get off the ground, y'know?

 

[Tiina63]

When I was at university back in the 80's I felt all the time that I was carrying around a sack on my back filled with the expectations of others. It was where my loneliness really kicked in. Being seen as some sort of high flyer and having people go on at me about 'succes' which I could never have coped with when in reality I was constantly stressed out and desperately unhappy because all I really wanted was to get married and have a family. I hated it so much, always feeling that I was living somebody else's life.

 

[Aisha]

The thing is that, it feels more to me like living *down* to other people's expectations, not living *up* to them. They hold me down and I want to rise! Like, sometimes they'll talk to me like "you just don't know yet that you can't..." .

Or, in some cases it could be looked at either way. Like my Dad loved to hobnob with famous people, and he wanted us kids to end up, yknow, rich and powerful. But I wanted to invent, create, understand, know how everything works. I guess I could have felt I couldn't live up to his expectations, but for some reason, I felt like all the expectations were like sandbags holding my inventive air balloon down to the earth.

---

---

That is quite the confusing mix of expectations..
What's stopping you from rising? Don't associate with those who tell you you can't when you know you can. Why wait around and listen to them if the only things they have to tell you are negative?
I can see why it weighs you down. You care what others think. Drop those sandbags and float on away. Let them expect what they will. But if it is hindering your dreams or betterment, and they aren't doing anything to stop you other than being disapproving, why not go ahead and try to reach for the goals you want? I admire people who are naturally curious and creative. Don't let others put out your spark.

 

[Despicable Me]

No, no one's expectations but my own. But it feels like carrying the whole world on my shoulders.
It makes me very tired all the time.

 

[mslonely]

No, no one's expectations but my own. But it feels like carrying the whole world on my shoulders.
It makes me very tired all the time.

my current life sigh

 

[dd11]

You need to focus on living YOUR life and your truth. There are always going to be naysayers and people telling you why what you are doing is "wrong". No matter what.

I think this is a very good Aesop's fable:
Man and his son were once going with their Donkey to market. As they were walking along by its side a countryman passed them and said: "You fools, what is a Donkey for but to ride upon?"

So the Man put the Boy on the Donkey and they went on their way. But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said: "See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides."

So the Man ordered his Boy to get off, and got on himself. But they hadn't gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other: "Shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along."

Well, the Man didn't know what to do, but at last he took his Boy up before him on the Donkey. By this time they had come to the town, and the passers-by began to jeer and point at them. The Man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at. The men said:

"Aren't you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours and your hulking son?"

The Man and Boy got off and tried to think what to do. They thought and they thought, till at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey's feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders. They went along amid the laughter of all who met them till they came to Market Bridge, when the Donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the Boy to drop his end of the pole. In the struggle the Donkey fell over the bridge, and his fore-feet being tied together he was drowned.

"That will teach you," said an old man who had followed them:

Moral of Aesops Fable: Please all, and you will please none.
http://www.taleswithmorals.com/aesop-fable-the-man-the-boy-and-the-donkey.htm

 

[LonelySutton]

I don't know why, but I can actually feel the weight of other people's expectations. Does anyone else have the sense that other people's expectations have a physical heavy presence, weighing you down?

Absolutely. No matter how much I try to gently express to people that I have no life and am pretty happy with that... they continue to ask me what I did over the holiday. As if I have a beach house down the cape. That drives me nuts because I feel pressure to go get a beach house just so the next time I can say -- I went down my beach house on the cape. After many years however, I know how foolish it is to try to get things to make other's happy.

Also, on this, I have a horrible problem lately with naysayers. They seem obsessed with finding me, weighing me down, and saying -- whatever I say, is wrong. When I was younger I am not sure why I didn't find these people. But I remember one of my most amazing ideas had to be kept quiet at work because it involved me leaving at some point and I didn't want them to fire me before I could leave.

Without influence from naysayers... I accomplished much (perhaps in my ignorance).

And you say, well just keep doing that... well true, but also after years of nay-saying I am having trouble not doing that to myself. It is so hard to stay true to myself.

Also, personally I see my own path on my health. When a doctor says, jump off a bridge, I say, um... well let me look into it. As I look into it... if people find out I am not taking the doctor's advice and running with it... they get extremely scornful. I have even been called "neurotic" -- but I know that isn't the case. If the doctor is doing what is right for me.. I will do it. It is soo hard to stay the course of what is right for you.

 

[Sometimes]

@LonelySutton - I think you're right, I really do think that it's getting harder to remain ignorant of one's own limitations, because I think people are becoming even more inclined to point them out. Which is really only pointing out their own limitations, or perhaps airing their own fear and angst in an increasingly unstable social structure.

I think I've accomplished some amazing things, in my ignorance of what can't be done, and I bet you have too.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I think I've been conditioned from young to expect people expect me to be a certain way or do things a certain way. Like it's my duty to live up to other people's expectations and it's really hard to break out of it. Then it makes you start wondering when you'll eventually do that...

 

[mickey]

You might want to read up on something called "socializing parenting." It's the approach taken by nearly all parents, teachers, child care workers, etc. in the western world. It consists of focusing only on getting the child to meet the expectations of adults. In our formative years we are raised that way, so, when we're adults, it can be hard to start seeing the world any different way. And many people internalize other people's expectations and put that pressure on _themselves_, although it looks like you've been smart enough not to fall into that trap.

I really like how clearheaded you seem to be in a world full of confused people who see themselves in a Biblical looking-glass and therefore can't even tell their nose is still attached to their face. I'm really glad you joined here and gave us a chance to talk to you. But it also sounds like you maybe don't talk to enough people about the things you most deeply care about, so you might want to keep talking.

 

[Sometimes]

@mickey - was that meant for me? Oh, I could kiss you, I get so little validation. :* Or if it's for Lady, I kiss you anyhow. Validation good.

Something which might have seemed like a hardship may have worked as an advantage to myself and my siblings. We have described ourselves as Rhesus Monkeys. Our mother was a wire cage, our father was invisible. We got sustenance and a roof over our heads, but grew up with practically no parental interaction at all. Practically no attachment at all, except to each other (siblings). I've often wondered about whether this might really be an advantage, at least over the really eff'd up parents who claim they are due love for all they've done for you.