This is ... my life

[Niel]

Hey,

My name is niel and i'm new to this forum... actually this is the first forum i actually plan to actively post.

I'm almost 18 years of age, male and recently signed up for the military.
I live in Belguim.

I have been seriously addicted to videogames about a third of my life so far, with the result that my social life is a bit ... messed up i would say.

At 5th grade i met some friends who wanted me to join them to a party.
That night was the best night of my life so far, since then everything went down hill.
I went to pubs before and after school drinking beer all the time, fighting, paying no attention in school and eventually after a good 6 months i got thrown out of school 3 months before school ended.

My parents couldn't handle it anymore so i had to go live with my brother, comming from a life where i only needed to bike to school, come home, eat the food that my mother prepared, sleep in the bed that my mom made ready for me, put on cloths that she put on the bed to wear next day, and go to school again.

Everything changed, from 1 day to another i lived far away from all my friends, i had to cook for my self, clean the house, work to pay rent... basically everything.
The first week was ok, still stressed out of what happened, and then i started thinking about the passed 6 months, it was like puberty hit me.
Playing video games isolated me from the real world, and once i had a glance of what the real world could give me i abused it.

since then i slowly started drifting in a long lasting depression that untill today is still lasting (more then 1,5 years).
since 1,5years ago the friendship with my friends faded, and i have not made any new friends. With all this combined i feel useless, disliked by many, un-loved.

I'm have a good like-ability because everybody i do meet really likes me, i just don't talk much anymore.
I have many problems socializing with people i do not know,
i can talk and laugh with customers and with other workers (i work in a restaurant as a waiter) but in the evening everybody goes home, atleast i do.

I often see girls, in the first case i try to ignore them,
but if i really notice them looking at me alot, (that happens several times daily.)
I start to look back and smile, and that goes on the entire time they are sitting there but somehow i don't know what i would do next to introduce myself or whatever, without letting them feel uncomfortable or something.

I guesse in that case i'm to shy, scared of what people will think of me,
scared to be criticized.

Well basically at this moment i feel verry lonely, depressed by all the loss i have made.
Checking facebook every few minutes, hoping for a message or something but never getting anything for the last couple of weeks.
Smiling when my phone rings because you think sombody is thinking about you, but when you check who it is it's ur boss.
when i go to sleep wrapping my pillow tightly between my arms and talking to it.
When i'm not at work i spend my time 24/24 in my room isolated from other people with a headset and music.
Not knowing what to do, but what i do know is wasting 1 unique life that i got, and can never get back.
Every second wasted is ... wasted.

I decided to join the military because it is my passion since verry young age, passed all tests but waiting for a call to see if i'm in or not.

Hopefully, the military will change my life.

I need more self-respect by accomplishing certain goals in life.
I need more friends, to laugh, to help, to talk.
I need a best friend, someone you can trust no mater what
I need to be loved.
I need to BE something.

If i can accomplish these goals next year, i can finally stop wasting my time, remove the thoughts of ending my life, and start living!

In case you have made it to the end, or skipped some lines while reading,
i thank you verry much for your time.
Reactions are always welcome, good or bad, motivating or de-motivating.

I want to know what people think about my current situation ...
Feel free to ask any question.


-Niel

 

[Poguesy]

G'day

 

[mintymint]

Welcome

 

[Missing You]

You're trying to change things, that's something positive, I mean... most people just complain and don't try to change what's going on (me)

 

[Niel]

thanks for the welcomes

---

You're trying to change things, that's something positive, I mean... most people just complain and don't try to change what's going on (me)

well, i've been sitting here doing nothing for almost 1,5 years, just waking up, "oh another f*****g day", arrive at work "here i am .. again" get back home "hmmm, what shall i do now", start pc watch youtube, xfactor, southpark, some movie, try to fall asleep without to much thinking and so on.

I think the best thing i did was to look for a social job, as i work in a restaurant i come in contact with people every second of the day, and a normal workingday is about 10 - 14 hours, sometimes 16 hours.
That means i had to force myself into communicating, weakening the brick wall that is holding me back.

If you have good bosses and customers your confidence will grow, and then you will start having good days.

During these good days you can think about what you can do to improve your life.
Shall i go study so i can get the job i always wanted?
Be more personal with customers (with some atleast)
try to go out with the people you work with.
Or invite them to a ... homeparty? or just invite them all to a pub/bar or for diner. Let them bring friends aswell.
More people, more subjects to talk/laugh about, more fun.

 

[Bones]

Welcome to the forum!

 

[Jonah]

It sounds to me that your trapped in the gaming world still. Your mates have changed but i'm sure when you return slowly they will returm for you. Take your time, keep away from the internet and gaming world and begin to love yourself again not the game you perhaps were loving to much. Playing games passes lots of emotions and thoses emotions are huge when the pressure to complete the task is so difficult. The best thing is your still alive, I have heard that in some countries gamers have passed away right infront of the PC. Just a personal note here. My life was like yours but I nver played games, I was once in an internet cafe and the noise was huge and i felt this awaful feeling that I was dying, so i thoguht balls to it I'm stay and take a break from the internet shop for a while and get my bearings and breath back. I have had that feeling on several occasions when everything becomes quiet almost in slow motion. The nerves kick in and then you hold on to what you beileve in that your gonna be ok and the spell is lifted. Scarey stuff ... Hope i've helped my friend.

 

[Drama]

Welcome to ALL