Kitsune Tora
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- Joined
- Jun 23, 2014
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I think a big part of why I am so lonely is that I find it very hard to trust anyone with my feelings and experiences. I understand why- my parents have never been very good at handling emotions and prefer to try and make them go away or avoid them or even get angry, my 'best' friend from when I was 5-16 constantly belittled and betrayed me so I came to believe that trust and true friendship wasn't really a thing so my friendships since have always been quite superficial. I also had another group of friends as a teenager who also bullied me a lot. I listen a lot but I don't offer much back. When I do offer stuff about me up I tend to do so flippantly/ while laughing about it and distance myself from it and then also distance myself from the person who I've opened up to.
Today I was doing out some drawers of old papers and it brought up a lot of memories and feelings for me. I realise that I keep a LOT to myself, even though I have a loving partner and family and friends I mostly exist under a layer of isolation, I feel like I'm really a stranger to them. I don't talk about difficult things at all, I just keep going. But the downside is I don't get to build those deep trusting links that others do, my relationship can't progress beyond a certain point. And I push things away so often that I've got a huge build up of feelings and things that I can't really deal with because the moments to deal with them have passed long since- even years.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. I guess I'm creating my own loneliness, but if I think about opening up to someone about the darker and more serious parts of my experience I can't see myself doing it, it's terrifying. I could lose so so much. But I could lost by not opening up too.
I just wish that I had non judgmental people to talk to... but then again, I've done some pretty bad things in my life (or at least I think so... and I'm notoriously critical) so perhaps I just have to accept that judgment will come, it's a risk and it's a normal part of life. Perhaps I just have to learn to handle being judged and criticised and learn to support myself so it won't be as sould crushing when it does happen.
And the thing is I probably do have the closest thing to a non judgmental person in my life (my partner) but I especially can't open up to him because he's so important to me. Stupid isn't it?
I can't trust, and I'm lonely because of it.
Today I was doing out some drawers of old papers and it brought up a lot of memories and feelings for me. I realise that I keep a LOT to myself, even though I have a loving partner and family and friends I mostly exist under a layer of isolation, I feel like I'm really a stranger to them. I don't talk about difficult things at all, I just keep going. But the downside is I don't get to build those deep trusting links that others do, my relationship can't progress beyond a certain point. And I push things away so often that I've got a huge build up of feelings and things that I can't really deal with because the moments to deal with them have passed long since- even years.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here. I guess I'm creating my own loneliness, but if I think about opening up to someone about the darker and more serious parts of my experience I can't see myself doing it, it's terrifying. I could lose so so much. But I could lost by not opening up too.
I just wish that I had non judgmental people to talk to... but then again, I've done some pretty bad things in my life (or at least I think so... and I'm notoriously critical) so perhaps I just have to accept that judgment will come, it's a risk and it's a normal part of life. Perhaps I just have to learn to handle being judged and criticised and learn to support myself so it won't be as sould crushing when it does happen.
And the thing is I probably do have the closest thing to a non judgmental person in my life (my partner) but I especially can't open up to him because he's so important to me. Stupid isn't it?
I can't trust, and I'm lonely because of it.