Tyranny of first impressions with no second chances

[ardour]

I hope you guys do realize that it too CENTURIES for women to get where they are today. They had to fight for equal rights and still are not equally on par with men. There is a growing trend of acceptance of men being more emotionally in touch, but just like woman fighting for equality, it is going to take time. Nothing just happens overnight. It seems like you guys just except to snap your fingers and everything be perfect, that is not how the world works. You screw up your first impression that is your fault, NOT the fault of the other person. You want a second chance you have to prove yourself differently which WILL TAKE TIME!! If you've repulsed someone so much with your first impression it's time to really evaluate yourself.

There's a girl here who's very aloof and almost never makes much effort beyond basic politeness, like she can't bothered or doesn't care, yet the other women took the time to get to know her, eventually bringing her into the fold. If a male colleague behaved as she does it would be a different story. Too much to ask that even a fraction of this good will exist across gender?

---

The people that you want to be around are the type who will give you that second chance, so... don't stress too much when people reject you based on first impressions. Those probably aren't the sort of people you want to be around to begin with.

Too bad you can't get away from people you work with aside from mentally zoning out. Then there's the ripple effect, people taking their cues on you from others. After a while half the place ends up hating you based on passed-on impressions or hearsay (exaggeration of course)

 

[Solivagant]

There's a girl here who's very aloof and almost never makes much effort beyond basic politeness, like she can't bothered or doesn't care, yet the other women here took the time to get to know her, eventually bringing her into the fold.

I can guarantee you that that's not typical, and I've seen men who are just as aloof be accepted just as readily, just as often. There's really not that much consistency, for either gender.

Anyway, I'm friendly but also stoic by nature, so I tend to leave people with the impression that I am cold and standoffish. How extreme the impression is seems to depend mostly on the other person. I am uncomfortable with physical contact and prefer to maintain a certain amount of distance between myself and another person, which is actually the norm where I'm from; but some women like to hug at first meeting, and if I don't show as much enthusiasm about it as they do, they are left with the same cold impression of me, only more intense. Some people get the impression I'm angry when I'm not, I think because my neutral face more scowly than smiley.

I've attempted to change this by deliberately acting more cheerful and open, but I either end up with the same result anyway, or people walk away thinking I'm naïve and ditzy, for some reason I have yet to figure out. It seems like no matter what I do, I can't make a good first impression. I do have Asperger's so maybe I'm just not engaging some subtle nuance that comes naturally to others, but I donno.

I've noticed that people who are very emotional are more likely to stick with their first impression and not care to get to know me better before making up their minds, but that's just my personal experience.

I've mostly made my peace with it, it only bothers me when I think about it too much.

 

[ardour]

I've noticed that people who are very emotional are more likely to stick with their first impression and not care to get to know me better before making up their minds, but that's just my personal experience.

Yes I've noticed that, particularly with people who are outgoing and want to get a quick idea about you (then suddenly stop talking if their impression isn't positive.) Those with more reserved natures tend not to be that way, so I end up trusting them more just because of past experience.

 

[StormChild]

I got so sick over the years of comments like, "cheer up, it might never happen" when I was perfectly happily getting on with my day that I learned to default my face into a slight smile when I'm not thinking about anything in particular. Now I get comments about how I'm always in a good mood, but I'm not any more happy now than I was unhappy then.

People are lazy and like obvious cues. It doesn't say anything about you that they're coming away with a wrong, negative impression. If you figure out what's causing it then you can take small steps (like my smile-face) that will make it easier for lazy people to come to a quick impression about you.

Like others have said, maybe it's time for you to figure out what your work colleagues can do for you and not the other way around. Which ones improve your day with chit-chat? Which ones talk about the things you're interested in? Which ones give you a hand when you're snowed under with work? If you make an effort with the people you actually like and think of the awkward ones as furniture you observe the polite basics with and no more then hopefully you'll not only relax and change your 'vibe', you'll also enjoy your day more.

By the way, in any workplace I've ever worked it's women who carry the brunt of the workplace bullying and mean gossip. Just because it all looks friendly and inclusive on the surface doesn't mean there aren't knives out in the background.

If you figure out what works for you and not them I hope things will become easier for you all round.

 

[ardour]

I'm very interested in your final sentence. (Repulsing someone on a first impression suggests that there's something wrong with you.) Would you apply the same standard if a chav was repulsed by you? What about religious zealot? A racist? I'm not sure I'm entirely convinced by what appears to be a rather black and white approach to matters.

The person who is judged is told to reassess themselves. The problem is entirely 'me' not 'them', as if there weren't any degree of responsibility or shared fault.

Anyway, he can't stand me, would say something like that, and it's just damage control out of concern certain comments are being seen as misogynist.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I got so sick over the years of comments like, "cheer up, it might never happen" when I was perfectly happily getting on with my day that I learned to default my face into a slight smile when I'm not thinking about anything in particular. Now I get comments about how I'm always in a good mood, but I'm not any more happy now than I was unhappy then.

People are lazy and like obvious cues. It doesn't say anything about you that they're coming away with a wrong, negative impression. If you figure out what's causing it then you can take small steps (like my smile-face) that will make it easier for lazy people to come to a quick impression about you.

Like others have said, maybe it's time for you to figure out what your work colleagues can do for you and not the other way around. Which ones improve your day with chit-chat? Which ones talk about the things you're interested in? Which ones give you a hand when you're snowed under with work? If you make an effort with the people you actually like and think of the awkward ones as furniture you observe the polite basics with and no more then hopefully you'll not only relax and change your 'vibe', you'll also enjoy your day more.

By the way, in any workplace I've ever worked it's women who carry the brunt of the workplace bullying and mean gossip. Just because it all looks friendly and inclusive on the surface doesn't mean there aren't knives out in the background.

If you figure out what works for you and not them I hope things will become easier for you all round.

people used to always say 'cheer up' to me or 'what's up ?'

I don't get that as much now. I have learned to lighten up, smile more and be happy.

 

[Grackle]

I hope you guys do realize that it too CENTURIES for women to get where they are today. They had to fight for equal rights and still are not equally on par with men. There is a growing trend of acceptance of men being more emotionally in touch, but just like woman fighting for equality, it is going to take time. Nothing just happens overnight. It seems like you guys just except to snap your fingers and everything be perfect, that is not how the world works. You screw up your first impression that is your fault, NOT the fault of the other person. You want a second chance you have to prove yourself differently which WILL TAKE TIME!! If you've repulsed someone so much with your first impression it's time to really evaluate yourself.

There's a girl here who's very aloof and almost never makes much effort beyond basic politeness, like she can't bothered or doesn't care, yet the other women took the time to get to know her, eventually bringing her into the fold. If a male colleague behaved as she does it would be a different story. Too much to ask that even a fraction of this good will exist across gender?

You can't expect women to take you into the fold and treat you like one of the girls anymore then men will treat a woman like one of the guys. It just doesn't happen unless you are super-duper attractive to the opposite sex and then its not even a real friendship. Theres a saying " you have to be friendly to make friends". I have found over the years (and I'm very much like this) is that no one is obligated to be your friend. Its not a flection on you or them its just what it is.
I would suggest you concentrate on making male friends at work and when you are comfortable with the guys, they can help bridge you over to chatting with the woman.

 

[murmi97]

You can't expect women to take you into the fold and treat you like one of the girls anymore then men will treat a woman like one of the guys.

You have a point about the mental distance (that will always be there as long as we're pretty much socially segregated in school) between men and women.

 

[Solivagant]

Just because it all looks friendly and inclusive on the surface doesn't mean there aren't knives out in the background.

You can't expect women to take you into the fold and treat you like one of the girls anymore then men will treat a woman like one of the guys.

^ Exactly what I was thinking.

 

[ardour]

I hope you guys do realize that it too CENTURIES for women to get where they are today. They had to fight for equal rights and still are not equally on par with men. There is a growing trend of acceptance of men being more emotionally in touch, but just like woman fighting for equality, it is going to take time. Nothing just happens overnight. It seems like you guys just except to snap your fingers and everything be perfect, that is not how the world works. You screw up your first impression that is your fault, NOT the fault of the other person. You want a second chance you have to prove yourself differently which WILL TAKE TIME!! If you've repulsed someone so much with your first impression it's time to really evaluate yourself.

There's a girl here who's very aloof and almost never makes much effort beyond basic politeness, like she can't bothered or doesn't care, yet the other women took the time to get to know her, eventually bringing her into the fold. If a male colleague behaved as she does it would be a different story. Too much to ask that even a fraction of this good will exist across gender?

You can't expect women to take you into the fold and treat you like one of the girls anymore then men will treat a woman like one of the guys. It just doesn't happen unless you are super-duper attractive to the opposite sex and then its not even a real friendship. Theres a saying " you have to be friendly to make friends". I have found over the years (and I'm very much like this) is that no one is obligated to be your friend. Its not a flection on you or them its just what it is.
I would suggest you concentrate on making male friends at work and when you are comfortable with the guys, they can help bridge you over to chatting with the woman.

Sorry no, already have male friends here outside the department. I'm not asking for "one of the girls" status. It's drawing a comparison to demonstrate how benefit of the doubt is applied differently. Then there's an added level of judgement guys have to face of being thought of as a threat if we aren't at all liked, which is unpleasant and stressful.

If you look outside, you'll see plenty of younger mixed male-female friend groups walking about. I also find older women, married women, and non 'girly girl' women don't appear to play by those rules (and consequently I get along with them a lot better)

Basically, if what you're saying were true; that men and women have little in common and don't easily relate to one another, then the only thing that binds people in relationships is mutual sexual attraction, and that's pretty sad.

 

[Grackle]

I'm on board with you regarding how hard it is to reverse a bad first impression. Self made millionaires out there selling their advice on How To Make A Good First Impression, its that important to people and proof it doesn't come natural to everyone.

 

[Batman55]

Basically, if what you're saying were true; that men and women have little in common and don't easily relate to one another, then the only thing that binds people in relationships is mutual sexual attraction, and that's pretty sad.

I would say it is true, unfortunately, and very depressing. For me, it's yet one more reason to think less of the human race. I'm embarrassed to belong to it.

 

[Solivagant]

If you look outside, you'll see plenty of younger mixed male-female friend groups walking about.

But you'll rarely see a sole male in a group of females, or a sole female in a group of males. It happens, but not that often, and even then most of the time it's a relative rather than a friend.

Many years ago I invited a few people over for my birthday. There was one guy, and the rest were girls. I didn't think anything of it, and he didn't seem to mind, but the girls told me afterwards that it felt awkward for them having him there. It's just a different dynamic that a lot of people don't really go for.

Basically, if what you're saying were true; that men and women have little in common and don't easily relate to one another, then the only thing that binds people in relationships is mutual sexual attraction, and that's pretty sad.

That seems like a pretty wide leap you made. I don't think that's true at all, and I didn't see it implied, either.

 

[ardour]

But you'll rarely see a sole male in a group of females, or a sole female in a group of males. It happens, but not that often, and even then most of the time it's a relative rather than a friend.

Many years ago I invited a few people over for my birthday. There was one guy, and the rest were girls. I didn't think anything of it, and he didn't seem to mind, but the girls told me afterwards that it felt awkward for them having him there. It's just a different dynamic that a lot of people don't really go for.

That makes sense, but again I'm not asking to be included in a private circle while they talk about personal stuff, bond etc. Clearly one man in that situation isn't welcome.

 

[jaguarundi]

I went to a Ladies Lunch today, where I am hopeful of meeting some new friends. This woman was there last time but right at the other end of the table, and I had no chance to chat, this time I sat next to her what is below is in effect my first impression. Anyway here is a digest of some of our 'chat' over the couple of hours, obviously I spoke to the other women as well, not just to her..

Her - (seeing me get my camera out to take some photos of the food to show a UK friend) - 'Oh, I have the same camera as that one.'
Me - Yes? I think it's pretty good - I am really pleased with it.
Her - Oh? I don't think the pictures it takes are any good.

Me - (general chat about cookery programmes) I quite like James Martin as well.
Her - Oh I don't like him at all. It's his voice.

Me - This bread is nice, I wonder where they get it?
Her - French bread is all too hard, it's because they all talk more than us and their jaw muscles are stronger so they can eat it.

Me - I see that the supermarket in the next town is now a Leader Price, I must pop in, I quite like that chain.
Her - Oh I never go into those ones. The stuff isn't branded so you don't have any idea what you are getting.
Me - Well, you try some of it, then you know, don't you?
Her - I just never buy that kind of stuff - tinned stuff.
Me - (drily) Well they do have other things as well. And I especially like their frozen veggies, they are good quality and make sense for me on my own, as fresh can stay in the fridge too long and have no vitamins left.
Her - sort of - sniffs, starts talking about her last dinner party to one of the other women.

(Another lady - to me) - thanks for getting me that stuff from the Asian supermarket.
Me - No worries, any time I go I'm happy to pop in for you
Her - oh, that place, you really have to watch the stuff they sell it's often out of date.

So - that was my first impression. Do I sit next to her next time? Would any of you?

 

[Triple Bogey]

I went to a Ladies Lunch today, where I am hopeful of meeting some new friends. This woman was there last time but right at the other end of the table, and I had no chance to chat, this time I sat next to her what is below is in effect my first impression. Anyway here is a digest of some of our 'chat' over the couple of hours, obviously I spoke to the other women as well, not just to her..

Her - (seeing me get my camera out to take some photos of the food to show a UK friend) - 'Oh, I have the same camera as that one.'
Me - Yes? I think it's pretty good - I am really pleased with it.
Her - Oh? I don't think the pictures it takes are any good.

Me - (general chat about cookery programmes) I quite like James Martin as well.
Her - Oh I don't like him at all. It's his voice.

Me - This bread is nice, I wonder where they get it?
Her - French bread is all too hard, it's because they all talk more than us and their jaw muscles are stronger so they can eat it.

Me - I see that the supermarket in the next town is now a Leader Price, I must pop in, I quite like that chain.
Her - Oh I never go into those ones. The stuff isn't branded so you don't have any idea what you are getting.
Me - Well, you try some of it, then you know, don't you?
Her - I just never buy that kind of stuff - tinned stuff.
Me - (drily) Well they do have other things as well. And I especially like their frozen veggies, they are good quality and make sense for me on my own, as fresh can stay in the fridge too long and have no vitamins left.
Her - sort of - sniffs, starts talking about her last dinner party to one of the other women.

(Another lady - to me) - thanks for getting me that stuff from the Asian supermarket.
Me - No worries, any time I go I'm happy to pop in for you
Her - oh, that place, you really have to watch the stuff they sell it's often out of date.

So - that was my first impression. Do I sit next to her next time? Would any of you?

avoid

 

[Badjedidude]

So - that was my first impression. Do I sit next to her next time? Would any of you?

Personally, I'd give her a second chance. It doesn't seem like she was overtly rude or anything... she could just be a bit standoffish until you get to know her.

The only way to find out, of course, is to try to get to know her.

So sure... I'd probably give it a shot, if it were me.

 

[Tulip23]

I certainly wouldn't be giving her a second chance. I would steer well clear.

 

[Anahita]

Was she like that just with you, or with everybody? It sounds as if she was just disagreeing with everything you said, or trying some one-upmanship. I don't think I would warm to someone like that.

 

[Grackle]

I would talk to her again, sounds like she's always grumpy but that doesn't mean I will write her off, she could be a very faithful friend if given a chance and a blessing to know ...once you get to know her. Her negativity might be out of loneliness. Or life gave her a few extra hard bumps.