Ridin Solo
Well-known member
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2009
- Messages
- 48
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Sup guys, this is my first post around here... been browsing the board for about a week and to think I stumbled upon it by typing "I'm failing accounting" into Google... it's not related nor is it really true, but I'm glad I did because this seems like a great community of people. A lot of the stuff you all are going through I'm going through myself.
The reason I'm not posting this in the Introduction subforum is that I desperately need to get this off my chest, perhaps get the strength to move passed the huge blow to my mental stability I experienced over the last week, culminating over several months. A little backstory... I'm a 22 year old college student. Much like a lot of you, I've never had a girlfriend, never had any real intimacy with another woman, and have severe trust issues. I don't trust my family... my dad is shallow and cares more about his social status and pride than my wellbeing. He regularly puts me down behind my back to people I have to be in regular contact with. My mom is a selfish, lazy, immature *****. My sister is a borderline retarded, two-faced slut. Any friend I've ever had has either desserted me, or I've had to dessert them due to their superficial judgements on me and my morbid situation. Last summer I saw my ex-best friend for the last time.
After leaving highschool and three years after I was in "Things will get better" mode... I had a lot of hope which kept me content to a certain degree. In the past few months I've entered "Things aren't getting any better" mode...I've become a craigslist fiend trying to find anyone looking for the same thing I am... someone, anyone to trust. It's no surprise I'm a message board junky... the only way to share my feelings are through the anonymity of places like this... dating forums, seduction forums, psychology forums... unlike the others this one seems to center around the root emotion behind my situation... pure, unadulterated loneliness.
Which leads me to the latest heartbreaking chapter in the tragic novel that is my existence. Over the passed few months I fell head over heels for an older woman (not too much older) that I've known for a few years but haven't had regular contact with til the passed few months. I've experienced infatuation with a lot of girls over my lifetime... never had I connected with anyone on a conversational level like I did with her.
We seemed to have so much in common, she's like my female counterpart. She had made it obvious she's single and has noone other than her family to do stuff with. She showed me attention, she took interest in my life and I loved her for it. I thought I could trust her because we were in the same boat, hell I would've married her in a heartbeat and would've been in a state of euphoria for the rest of my life (sad, huh?) I even asked her out a few weeks ago, and she accepted... only to flake. Looking back, I thought it was a legit excuse because she dropped so many verbal and non-verbal hints of interest. I asked her out again this weekend and while she left the door open, she's totally avoided me.
This past week has been unbearable torture on a level I haven't experienced... months of fantasy, seeing her in my dreams, feeling I finally had someone in my life I could depend on emotionally... taken away in such a demeaning, disrespectful fashion. Last night I literally drove around town and balled my eyes out for a good half hour... thinking about the way she looked in a certain outfit, my crushed plans to give her a romantic kiss under fireworks on new years eve, not being able to tell my family to shove it because they never believed I was boyfriend material... I've been randomly crying for the last few days and while I've been depressed for a while, this was never apart of my behavior. I'm an emotional wreck and I'm back at square one...
How could a girl I felt such a deep connection for stab me in the back so maliciously? I mean this wasn't 100% fantasy... she so made me believe she was interested but not confident enough to say it straight up. I really hate this girl... I have to hate her or I can't let this go. I'm so disgusted with myself... months of putting on a funny, confident guy facade to get her to like me... only to have her interest turn to uncomfortable avoidance. I feel like Ben Affleck in Reindeer Games after finding out Charlize Theron was ******* that guy from Forrest Gump... the feeling of being totally invested in something that was an illusion all along. I never knew emotional pain could be this intense...
Well thanks for reading if you made it through this rediculously long post, but typing it has been somewhat therapeutic. I hope to continue to share and read your own experiences because you guys are my new support for the forseeable future. Thanks.
The reason I'm not posting this in the Introduction subforum is that I desperately need to get this off my chest, perhaps get the strength to move passed the huge blow to my mental stability I experienced over the last week, culminating over several months. A little backstory... I'm a 22 year old college student. Much like a lot of you, I've never had a girlfriend, never had any real intimacy with another woman, and have severe trust issues. I don't trust my family... my dad is shallow and cares more about his social status and pride than my wellbeing. He regularly puts me down behind my back to people I have to be in regular contact with. My mom is a selfish, lazy, immature *****. My sister is a borderline retarded, two-faced slut. Any friend I've ever had has either desserted me, or I've had to dessert them due to their superficial judgements on me and my morbid situation. Last summer I saw my ex-best friend for the last time.
After leaving highschool and three years after I was in "Things will get better" mode... I had a lot of hope which kept me content to a certain degree. In the past few months I've entered "Things aren't getting any better" mode...I've become a craigslist fiend trying to find anyone looking for the same thing I am... someone, anyone to trust. It's no surprise I'm a message board junky... the only way to share my feelings are through the anonymity of places like this... dating forums, seduction forums, psychology forums... unlike the others this one seems to center around the root emotion behind my situation... pure, unadulterated loneliness.
Which leads me to the latest heartbreaking chapter in the tragic novel that is my existence. Over the passed few months I fell head over heels for an older woman (not too much older) that I've known for a few years but haven't had regular contact with til the passed few months. I've experienced infatuation with a lot of girls over my lifetime... never had I connected with anyone on a conversational level like I did with her.
We seemed to have so much in common, she's like my female counterpart. She had made it obvious she's single and has noone other than her family to do stuff with. She showed me attention, she took interest in my life and I loved her for it. I thought I could trust her because we were in the same boat, hell I would've married her in a heartbeat and would've been in a state of euphoria for the rest of my life (sad, huh?) I even asked her out a few weeks ago, and she accepted... only to flake. Looking back, I thought it was a legit excuse because she dropped so many verbal and non-verbal hints of interest. I asked her out again this weekend and while she left the door open, she's totally avoided me.
This past week has been unbearable torture on a level I haven't experienced... months of fantasy, seeing her in my dreams, feeling I finally had someone in my life I could depend on emotionally... taken away in such a demeaning, disrespectful fashion. Last night I literally drove around town and balled my eyes out for a good half hour... thinking about the way she looked in a certain outfit, my crushed plans to give her a romantic kiss under fireworks on new years eve, not being able to tell my family to shove it because they never believed I was boyfriend material... I've been randomly crying for the last few days and while I've been depressed for a while, this was never apart of my behavior. I'm an emotional wreck and I'm back at square one...
How could a girl I felt such a deep connection for stab me in the back so maliciously? I mean this wasn't 100% fantasy... she so made me believe she was interested but not confident enough to say it straight up. I really hate this girl... I have to hate her or I can't let this go. I'm so disgusted with myself... months of putting on a funny, confident guy facade to get her to like me... only to have her interest turn to uncomfortable avoidance. I feel like Ben Affleck in Reindeer Games after finding out Charlize Theron was ******* that guy from Forrest Gump... the feeling of being totally invested in something that was an illusion all along. I never knew emotional pain could be this intense...
Well thanks for reading if you made it through this rediculously long post, but typing it has been somewhat therapeutic. I hope to continue to share and read your own experiences because you guys are my new support for the forseeable future. Thanks.
