Until I Can Change...

[Sceptical1]

I have social anxiety, simply put. I am also pretty depressed, partly due to that and partly because my life is not where I want it to be. I graduated from high school this past June and don't have the money or means by which to attend college. I have four good friends from high school, and I haven't talked to them since we graduated. They all ended up going to the schools they wanted to. I haven't really wanted to talk to them, not because I'm angry at them (I am a little) but because I don't really think I'd make a good friend right now. I know I would only be reminded of what I wish I had and behave resentfully. Unfortunately that's the kind of person that I am, but I think everybody is to some extent. I also have the more pressing underlying issue of my social anxiety. My friends have never really seen the real me, my anxiety has prevented me from really expressing myself and who I am. I've had it for so long that I don't act nervously in most situations, but my emotion is limited by my fear of reaction. I really need to get over at least the anxiety before I can justify seeing them again and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so pent up with feelings, I just don't think I would make a good friend right now. I care about my friends, and I know they care about me. They've had to put up with who I am right now pretty much the whole time I've known them, and I don't think it's fair anymore. I've wanted to change forever and I'm tired of saying I will. I want to be a totally different person when I next see them, I want to be the best person I can and I really can't settle for less. I hope this makes sense to everyone. How can I start?

 

[StrawberrySmoothie]

I always thought that a true friend/s accepts you for who you are, faults and all. If they have been your friends for a while they have already chosen to accept you and continue to be your friend.
Unless anyone of them has said "if you don't change, I no longer want to be friends with you." why put this pressure on yourself to become someone your not?

 

[ladyforsaken]

Have you ever considered going to a doctor for help? I'm not sure if those work but I've heard how some people do better with their help. You could start there. Make sure you want to change for yourself, and not for other people or how other people want you to be.

 

[Tiina63]

Not being the real you with friends is painful and very lonely-I speak from experience. It makes the friendships seem hollow and pointless and precludes true closeness. Could you write to each of your friends and tell them you are going through a rough time and see how they react? It would keep the lines of communication open between you as well.

 

[Chikid]

I'm like the same way right now. I wouldn't say I have social anxiety, because I can talk to anybody except this 1 girl. At times I may be a little awkward but I can still talk to others. Still not being able to talk to that 1 person has bothered me a lot lately and with the stress of work and school I've been overflowing with feelings lately. Like you, all my friends left for college. I decided to stick around at a community college. I would maybe just call one of them and see if they want to hangout or maybe talk to them on facebook

 

[Sceptical1]

My friends do accept me and have never asked anything of me and I'm thankful, it's just that I feel like they deserve more. I also deserve more out of myself. I would try therapy, but I don't have the money. Maybe I could go to some sort of group at church somewhere, I'm not entirely sure. I could also email them eventually, but I don't know if I'm up to it yet. Guess I do need to get past my reservations first, but it won't be easy.