MovingForward said:
I'm not quite sure where to begin. I've thought of killing myself/trying to harm others with violence for problably 6 years now (since age 13) and attempted this before but now I am truly trying to confront my depression. This post is not being authored in a particularly emotional state; there is very minimal danger of me following through with these desires any more; I AM getting a better gradually. I used to be perpetually high and suicide flashed through my brain several times a minute leading to several attempts. (Kids, don't try to do anything while on crystal meth, you will fail no matter how easy it is) Still, my question is concerning the more than 40-50 times a day that I think about this. How do I get this to go away? It's no longer a source of comfort, it's annoying. It gets in the way of making ACTUAL progress, not self destruction as a means of escaping my emotional confrontation.
Any help would be greatly appreciated, or even just someone who knows what I'm talking about.
I used to have suicidal thoughts when I was 19, nothing too major, but they were there. I've never considered harming others.
I'm probably the last person to be giving advice, but my suggestion would be to isolate what your actual problems are- what is it that pisses you off, what makes you feel sad, what makes you fly into a fit of rage. why do you want to kill people?
If you don't know what triggers you or what your problems actually are, it's impossible to get better, you're just going to be running around in circles.
The way that I look at life is- if you don't have anything to be happy or feel good about, then you'll never be happy or feel good. You can't just take some magic pill and expect everything to be great. It's just not logical.
If your life is miserable, and it's a struggle to get out of bed each day then talking to a therapist or taking some drug isn't the solution. The solution is to do positive things to improve your life.
If you've never been on a date, there's a reason for that. I too have never been on a date, but that's my fault. I don't blame other people and want to harm them. It's my fault because I'm a drag to be around. I'm not very talkative, I give off a bad vibe, and am just not fun to be around- it's that simple.
If you feel good about yourself, then other people will feel good being around you. If you feel bad about yourself, then people will feel bad being around you. I know it sounds simplistic, but it's totally true.
Who wants to be around someone who doesn't talk, is always pissed off and has nothing going for them in life? I know I certainly don't.
Who wants to be around someone who has a lot to say, knows how to have fun, is motivated to do positive things? Everyone.
It's human nature to want to be happy, nobody wants to feel sad- it sucks.
If you're still doing meth, you're going to want to knock that honeysuckle off. I'm sure you know better than anyone it's a dead-end road.
I know it may sound crazy, but try to get your body into optimal condition and your mind will follow. I like to think of myself as a plant. Plants, like all living things require a certain amount of different nutrients, water, CO2 and sunlight. People aren't any different. If you're not drinking enough water every day then you're not going to feel good. I'm sure you know what happens to plants when they don't get enough water, why would a human be any different? Same thing with sunlight, take away a plants sun and they are messed, humans are no different. If you don't feed a plant the right nutrients their leaves yellow, their growth is stunted, they just don't flourish. Plain and simple. Humans are the same way, if you're eating nothing but junk food and taking drugs it's not difficult to feel good, it's virtually impossible.
You need to totally change your lifestyle, if it was working for you- you wouldn't want to kill yourself or harm other people. Change everything.
If you listen to sad, dark music- knock it off. Just stop.
If you get up at noon, knock that honeysuckle off. Try getting up with the sunrise.
If you're not eating vitamins/minerals each day, you need to start. Imagine not giving a plant any nutrients and then trying to figure out what it's problem is? It's very simple.
I know I don't make much sense, so I'll shut up, but I really do believe what I'm saying will help.
Just try to get on a roll of doing positive things, if you do 10 positive things tomorrow that's 10 things to feel good about.
Happiness isn't in a pill, or the bottom of a bottle.
With that being said, I'm going to finish my high alcohol beer now. I don't always practice what I preach, but I know it's wrong and am trying to get better.