Venting

[SophiaGrace]

Ok, well, I've been keeping a diary in the Diary section. But, I think I"m at the point where I need feedback.

I dont know why but I keep thinking about hurting myself. I keep being sad. I keep being withdrawn. I keep just wanting to curl up into a little ball and cry. (I'm not actually crying)

and a few hours later, I'll feel fine and I may even be smiling.

It's just getting to me I guess. LIke, today, today should have made me smile so much and be so happy. Today, I went and I saw the cherry blossums with someone I met at AA, but the whole time I was withdrawn. I forced myself to be conversant and even mde a few jokes but I didnt even want to look at her face. By the end of the visit I sort of felt like there was a shift of some sort. She and I were feeling each other out and somehow there was like a power shift by the end of it, because I was so withdrawn and felt crappy.

Like my head, it feels just...it aches a little bit. It's not a literal headache but I feel like something is wrong inside my head. Like. my ADD medications are messing with my head.

I really dont know what to do about it. If I go off of them I'm afraid I wont be able to focus on my homework. So, I have to say nothing. I will say nothing. :/

I'm at the point where I Just want to be ******* happy. I dont want a boyfriend. I dont even want friends. I just want to be happy instead of miserable almost 24/7.

I want to smile damnit. I dont want to be in pain. I dont even know why I am in pain anymore.

All I know is that this sucks. It really...truely...does. Why does change hurt so much?

 

[Solace]

I dont know why but I keep thinking about hurting myself. I keep being sad. I keep being withdrawn. I keep just wanting to curl up into a little ball and cry. (I'm not actually crying)

and a few hours later, I'll feel fine and I may even be smiling.

I know exactly what you mean, and i've been there. Sometimes depression just happens... it's not your fault it's just something that comes upon you. But there are things we can do to discourage it from settling in.

Please don't hurt yourself. I got caught up with self-harm and 2 years later I still have many, many self-inflicted scars. Self harm encourages self hate, and you can never be happy unless you forgive yourself for everything, are patient and take care of and respect yourself. And don't do anything rash.

It's taken a long time but i've come so much further than I ever thought I would. I believe God has restored to me much of what I've lost. So just hold on and know that it won't be this way forever, even though it feels as if it already has been.

Dont' be ashamed to talk about it with someone who can help you. I would mention it to whoever prescribed your ADD medication you mentioned. Saying nothing isn't going to help any. Silence is a dangerous thing.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I think it is my fault though. I think it's just me being stupid. Lazy. Selfish. Self-pitying.

I'm so sorry I feel so awful. I am sorry that I chose to like...burden people with this honeysuckle. No one wants to hear this and I'm just bringing everyone down by talking about it.

The constant thought that goes through my head is "why cant I just be happy?"

I am scared to talk to anyone to make myself feel better by changing my meds. My silence hurts me, you're right.

 

[Solace]

If it is, you have to forgive yourself. If it isn't, forgive yourself for feeling that way. But I don't think it is your fault. Sometimes people just get sick. But you don't have to stay sick... It'll take work to get where you want to be, just like everyone else on the planet will learn.

It's just that where you are can be a lot more unbearable than places other people live while they're working towards their desires and needs.

Meds aren't everything, but sometimes it can be just enough.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Thank you. *hug*

 

[Lonesome Crow]

well...most of my AA/NA friends are very understanding and supportive.
I don't hang with everyone in AA, but I have selected people that I allowed into my life.
It takes time to build that trust..and it is why I'm very selective...It's ok.

My friends and I are very close. We talk and listen to each other...whatever it maybe.
Whatever we are feeling or thinking it's okay. We don't try to fix each other...but to just be there.
Talking about whatever that's bothering us helps...having someone listen to me helps.
Most of the time I don't want pity or advice....YeaH, I just wanna get out of the funk.lol
We all have our moments...good days and bad days.


Don't worry...you're not a burden to anyone. You're doing something positive in your life.
Stop judging yourself. Stop beating up on yourself....

mmm...when you figure out "WHY"...let me know.
I stopped trying to figure it out....for some reason I'm happy with that

It takes practice to be in the moment, go with the flow and lowering our expectations...
Just keep going back ..you're get it or the miracle will happen. Sometimes you gatta take the body...then eventaully our mind will catch up or have a brain fart moment.lol

 

[SophiaGrace]

Thank you LC, I will keep trying. <hug>

 

[coricopat]

You have AA friends, talk to them. You know they'll be supportive.
PLEASE don't self-harm. It's just another addiction.

You might be on to something with the ADD meds. I took adderall for a while, and well, a lot of what you're describing happened to me. It was only pure luck that the doctor took me off the med before I did anything stupid--well I did some stupid things(like cutting) but nothing permanently stupid. That drug drove me slowly insane and I had no idea it was even happening. There are several types of ADD meds, you're not tied to whichever one you're taking. Definitely discuss your concerns about your meds with someone, please. I may be overreacting b/c of my own experiences, but...

I'm at the point where I Just want to be ******* happy. I dont want a boyfriend. I dont even want friends. I just want to be happy instead of miserable almost 24/7.

I can really empathize with this. That's all I want....a bit of happiness. I don't even attach strings to that happiness anymore and it's still elusive.

 

[SophiaGrace]

I think you're right because I think i mightve forgotten to take my medication again and i feel completely fine. o_o