virgin sex with friend?

[jayme89]

Would it be wrong to have sex for the first time as an adult with just a friend? Not someone you have romantic interest in or are even really attracted to? At this point I feel if I waited for the "right one" or someone who really wanted to be in a relationship with me I'd be a 40 year old virgin. I just turned 24 and have never had a boyfriend and obviously never had sex. I have a guy friend who I've brought up in a previous thread who is a really good guy and is truly interested in me but I just don't have a physical attraction to him. I've already told him I only see us as friends but it hasn't changed his opinion about me. He, too, is 24 and a virgin which I see as an added benefit of losing it to him. I guess he's the only person I feel I could trust enough with my body at this point. It sure would beat a random hook up from a stranger in a bar, right?

I don't know if I'm thinking crazy or what...Any opinions?

 

[Drama]

If you dont care for your 'first time' to be special, it is your choice.
But what if you regret it later?

Personally, I would never be involved like that with a person unless i love them. I wouldnt care about staying a virgin for the whole life. It must be either a person I'm attracted to or nothing lol

 

[Midnight Sky]

That's called casual sex, and while I don't agree with it, it is your choice.

 

[Regumika]

I agree with Drama.

It all depends on how much sex means to you. I consider sex and kisses to be intimate and special and would only share them with someone that is special to me. Some people consider sex as if it was just another physical act like a hug. So, it just depends on how you see sex, or other actions.

 

[theraab]

I would say go for it if it weren't for the fact that he is interested in you - having sex with him would definitely be the ultimate mixed signal, and could ruin your friendship on account of that. To the people saying that it should be with someone special, I think it is (you say he is the only one you feel that comfortable with, so he is special to you).

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I would say go for it if it weren't for the fact that he is interested in you - having sex with him would definitely be the ultimate mixed signal, and could ruin your friendship on account of that. To the people saying that it should be with someone special, I think it is (you say he is the only one you feel that comfortable with, so he is special to you).

Think I have to agree with this. While I don't have any problem with casual sex and think it would be great if friends could have sex with each other just as a way of sharing something without it ruining the friendship, I think it takes a huge amount of self awareness and perhaps experience in sex and relationships to be able to do that. Most people, the vast majority of people, I think, would struggle with that.

I don't think it's crazy to think of it, obviously feels like there's a pressure on most people to lose their virginity, but with someone you don't feel attracted to I think is a mistake. And as theraab says, a man could see this as opening the door to a relationship which doesn't sound like what you want, and after the virginity is lost, what about the next time, and the time after that, I think it would be very hard not to get into something quite confusing with this.

Perhaps it's worth waiting a little while longer, at least? And ask yourself why are you wanting to lose your virginity, because you want to enjoy it, and explore your sexuality fully with someone who really pushes your physical buttons, or just because you feel you're getting a bit too old to be a virgin and feel pressure that you should?

 

[EveWasFramed]

I agree with the two gentleman above.

 

[Batman55]

I would say to try this with a friend you are physically attracted to

Personally I don't have major problems with this, as I don't think it's always realistic to wait indefinitely for this "thing" to happen with the person fated for you... there's no guarantees in life, no guarantee that simply waiting is going to work out for you. Sometimes you have to go out and get what you desire, it's not selfish... because all sexual activity is selfish to some extent anyway.

 

[MTrip]

Others here have brought up great points already, some of which I'd have thought of myself if I had gotten here earlier. All I can add is this: As a practical matter, sex for the first time is best done with someone who is experienced & knows how to be patient. That is especially true of female virgins, who usually have more to get through with their first time. With the guy in mind being a virgin also, it could turn out to be really awkward.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with theraab. Having sex with your friend would definitely send out mixed signals. It would be unfair towards him. Even if you said to him that you were sleeping with him just to lose your virginity, it would still give him grounds to hope that you were coming round to seeing him as more than a friend.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

You should wait until you're in a solid relationship.

 

[jayme89]

or just because you feel you're getting a bit too old to be a virgin and feel pressure that you should?

this is really the only reason

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Nobody should pressure you into sex. You should have sex because you feel you're ready to have sex.

 

[MTrip]

or just because you feel you're getting a bit too old to be a virgin and feel pressure that you should?

this is really the only reason

That's not a good enough reason. Others have already covered the problem of mixed signals, & there is always the possibility of you getting emotionally involved with him also when you did not intend to. A real can of worms to open there. Why not wait until you meet a man you really like & want in that way. If he feels the same way about you, then it's time.

 

[lostatsea]

I'm gonna play devil's advocate and say this isn't a terrible idea. My only real concern would be about potentially damaging the friendship. But laying out some ground rules and being honest with him rather than just jumping into bed first could clear a lot of it up.

I actually see a lot of positives for this. It would be mutually beneficial for both you and your friend, to get rid of the label, and to gain some experience. As far as people you lose your virginity to, it could be far worse. You know the person is a friend, and actually cares about you. Unless I'm reading it wrong, the pressure you feel is self imposed, and I totally get it. Nobody likes the idea of being an older virgin. By having sex you'll gain confidence in yourself, remove the fear of sex, and shame of being a slightly older virgin.

Who you have sex with is completely your business. A lot of people on this board are conservatively angled. I'm sure nobody who has replied has ever been in a friend with benefits situation. So they of course don't believe in "meaningless" casual sex. But in the end whatever happens between two consenting adults is their business. For a lot of people sex is just fun, and if done responsibly it could be. There was some study done, about friends with benefits situation, and they said 3/4 times the sex didn't negatively affect the friendship. I could see you and your friend extending this into having lots of no-pressure fun learning together, if you were okay going that route.

It seems like everybody else is straight out telling you no, you don't have a good reason. When in the end, you don't need a "good" reason. It's your body, and your life. Ultimately you should do what you want and if what you want is to lose the label, that's good enough a reason.

 

[Broken_Doll]

I agree with lostatsea here on sex with friends not always being a bad thing, it's different for everybody.

All I'd say about friends with benefits/sex with friends is this:

1. Be 100% open and honest. Communication is key.
2. Make sure you both know exactly where you stand.
3. Necessary precautions.
4. Be prepared for the possibility of feelings changing.
5. Have fun.

I'd say wait until you meet somebody you like (it doesn't have to be a "romantic" feeling, you can just "like" them and think they're hot, just make sure you both know where you stand) and who gets you excited about the idea of sex, make sure you are 100% comfortable with this person. Be honest about it being your first time too (OK, I didn't tell the guy I lost it to I was a virgin but I think he figured it out anyway, I'm grateful he seemed to know anyway and sometimes I think it might have been nice if I'd told him outright and been honest, but pressure and embarrassment about my virginity stupidly made me think it needed to be kept a secret, I don't know why now) and don't be afraid of telling him if you want to take things slowly.

My first time was with a guy with far more experience than me, personally I think this helped a bit as he knew all about foreplay and I think without all of that un-rushed relaxed foreplay I might not have been able to get so comfortable with the idea of "losing it" when it came to it, I think if he'd just tried to stick it in I might have backed down and ran away, he was also kind enough to pause and ask me if I was sure I really wanted to go through with it and I think making sure the person you lose it to is a good person who knows to be patient and kind is important even if you find you don't really enjoy it because a negative/horrible first time can ruin things later on.

Of course take necessary precautions too, you don't want to get an STI or get pregnant on your first time, you want to look back on it with fondness not bitterness and regret.

 

[nerdygirl]

Wrong? It's not "wrong".

It's probably not an ideal situation. Being on, inside of, or surrounding by somebody else is as physically intimate as you can get. You're always going to remember that first time- will you be able to look back on this as a happy experience? Adding to that is the fact that even if you say, "This doesn't mean anything"... it will. He likes you. There's a chance this will end up hurting more than your friendship- it will possibly hurt him, too. Another thing- you're not attracted to this guy. Will your body react to him? Will you be caught up in the moment, or are you going to be thinking about something else in the back of your mind?

 

[Mr.YellowCat]

Haven't read all the replies.

The thing I would point out would be that you wrote you are not physically attracted to him. Even without being in relationship, wouldn't you need to be at least attracted to him if you were to have sexual encounter with him?

For me, personally, I do not perceive sex as intimate as other things, such as kisses and like. But that's only for me. The way you write indicates that you do perceive it as something really really intimate. In that case, if you really feel that way about it, I think you should stick up to what you believe/feel. Otherwise, you would be doing something you dont want to do. And sexual encounters and relationships are not based on rationality, which is the main component of your thinking about this.

In short: I would decide based on how you feel. Feel like doing it? Do it. You dont? Dont do it. Dont rationalize it, dont over-think it.

 

[jayme89]

Haven't read all the replies.

The thing I would point out would be that you wrote you are not physically attracted to him. Even without being in relationship, wouldn't you need to be at least attracted to him if you were to have sexual encounter with him?

For me, personally, I do not perceive sex as intimate as other things, such as kisses and like. But that's only for me. The way you write indicates that you do perceive it as something really really intimate. In that case, if you really feel that way about it, I think you should stick up to what you believe/feel. Otherwise, you would be doing something you dont want to do. And sexual encounters and relationships are not based on rationality, which is the main component of your thinking about this.

In short: I would decide based on how you feel. Feel like doing it? Do it. You dont? Dont do it. Dont rationalize it, dont over-think it.

I agree. I'm not going to do it. Its not worth it.