We should do away with shame when it comes to loneliness!

[Alonewith2cats]

We live in a strange culture. One that associates loneliness with shame. People are ashamed to admit that they are lonely. Why? In fact I read in a book about loneliness that many people would rather admit to having a sexually transmitted disease than being lonely. That's insane!

A zoologist would never expect dogs or chimpanzees to be happy alone. Because it's understood that they are social creatures. Why should human beings be considered any different? Lonely people should be treated with love and compassion. I also think that if lonely people treat other lonely people with love and compassion they may be less lonely. We need to reach out to others, that is likely to be more effective than waiting for anyone to reach out to us. Somehow I think it is through action on our part that makes love reciprocate.

I understand there are some people who are happy alone so this post only applies to those who truly feel lonely.

 

[ctarchives]

Amen. You hit the nail on the head

 

[Case]

Unfortunately, since loneliness is not a deadly disease like cancer, you're not going to see a whole lot of urgency in informing the general public about the affects of loneliness on the populace. Particularly when the response is often, "What's the problem? Just make a few friends, for crying out loud."

I feel it all starts from within. But again, loneliness doesn't exactly inspire inner strength from those who suffer. It's why it takes strength, commitment, and a daily effort to combat loneliness.

It's a lovely sentiment to want the shame to disappear, but I don't see it going away unless some extremely famous person commits suicide because they are lonely. Then, all the news outlets of the world will start a feeding frenzy on how debilitating loneliness can be to people. Only then could I see it being treated by the public as something that is less shameful. Even then, it'd be a brief part of the news cycle until the next crisis happens. Then, it'll be forgotten like everything else.

 

[Tiina63]

I agree with you completely, op. It would be so much better if lonely people were to be treated with compassion and empathy rather than others either being put off by the person's loneliness, trivialising it, or by being critical of the person for feeling this way.
I do feel that the present high value placed on independence by western societies is one cause of loneliness as instead of feeling lonely, someone alone is meant to be 'enjoying their freedom.' Loneliness is the great unmentionable. Having emotional needs and wanting to love and be loved instead of being self contained is somehow seen as weak.
Case- loneliness can cause cancer and other serious illnesses because of the stress it places on the immune system, and it needs to be taken as seriously as obesity and smoking.
Being very lonely is hard enough in itself, but when we are shamed by soicety and the reactions of others into hiding it, it makes it even worse.

 

[Peter.EU]

We live in a strange culture. One that associates loneliness with shame. People are ashamed to admit that they are lonely. Why? In fact I read in a book about loneliness that many people would rather admit to having a sexually transmitted disease than being lonely. That's insane!

I have feeling that to admin I am lonely to another person with intention to seek for a company is like to tell future employer " I have been unemployed for a long time" or investor " I don't have any money at all".

 

[Peaches]

The problem is that there is still little conscience of the fact that this epidemics of loneliness is a byproduct of our sick Western (or industrialized) culture, and there is this prejudice that one is usually lonely for a reason, like some terrible character flaw or something, which is not always the case.

---

I have feeling that to admin I am lonely to another person with intention to seek for a company is like to tell future employer " I have been unemployed for a long time" or investor " I don't have any money at all".

also that, loneliness breeds loneliness

 

[Alonewith2cats]

Unfortunately, since loneliness is not a deadly disease like cancer, you're not going to see a whole lot of urgency in informing the general public about the affects of loneliness on the populace. Particularly when the response is often, "What's the problem? Just make a few friends, for crying out loud."

I feel it all starts from within. But again, loneliness doesn't exactly inspire inner strength from those who suffer. It's why it takes strength, commitment, and a daily effort to combat loneliness.

It's a lovely sentiment to want the shame to disappear, but I don't see it going away unless some extremely famous person commits suicide because they are lonely. Then, all the news outlets of the world will start a feeding frenzy on how debilitating loneliness can be to people. Only then could I see it being treated by the public as something that is less shameful. Even then, it'd be a brief part of the news cycle until the next crisis happens. Then, it'll be forgotten like everything else.

I can name 2 very famous people who were very lonely. Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson may not have committed suicide but he sure turned to some very dangerous habits, getting himself drugged to a sleep leading to his death. I'm sure there are others, I'd have to google them.

 

[RockerChick]

I can name 2 very famous people who were very lonely. Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson may not have committed suicide but he sure turned to some very dangerous habits, getting himself drugged to a sleep leading to his death. I'm sure there are others, I'd have to google them.

I read an interview with Hugh Heffner (Playboy Founder) and although he is surrounded by "girlfriends", parties, social scene, etc, he talks about how lonely he really is. He hates his life. It was a jarring interview.

 

[Grackle]

Hugh Heffner is the modern day King Solomon, a life of excess and where does it get him. Lonely.

 

[lonelyfairy]

You have some very good points. Why we should be ashamed of loneliness? It doesn't make any of us any less worthy or a bad person.

 

[Regumika]

We live in a strange culture. One that associates loneliness with shame. People are ashamed to admit that they are lonely. Why? In fact I read in a book about loneliness that many people would rather admit to having a sexually transmitted disease than being lonely. That's insane!

I have feeling that to admin I am lonely to another person with intention to seek for a company is like to tell future employer " I have been unemployed for a long time" or investor " I don't have any money at all".

Well, this makes a good point.

Or someone that has dated a lot (and still single) you start to wonder why this person is still single, even if it's simply "this person hasn't found the one" what makes you think you would all of the sudden be the one?

Someone who isn't happy and you wonder why they aren't happy. It isn't as simple as "not having the opportunity." We really can't pinpoint the source of why things aren't going well. I would kind of agree that more compassion and love can be shown to those that are lonely.. but lonely people shouldn't get any more love and compassion than anyone else. Equal treatment, not special treatment.

 

[Wanderer145]

Lonely people are stigmatised. If you're a man people attack you for not being masculine enough to deal with your problems. It's bad people say you're not confident enough or this and that. Confidence is one thing but loneliness can damage your confidence because you ask the questions why am I lonely why can't I solve this despite my efforts?

I must make a point here that solitude is one thing it is enriching and helps you find out who you are and what you can do. Loneliness on the other hand is not so much being uncomfortable with the idea of being alone but actually living through it every day. It's something that can affect people their entire lives.

 

[Case]

Case- loneliness can cause cancer and other serious illnesses because of the stress it places on the immune system, and it needs to be taken as seriously as obesity and smoking.

As I said, the desire for the public to be aware is a noble one. However, I'm a realist, and I don't see any indication that it will happen any time in the near future.

I can name 2 very famous people who were very lonely. Marilyn Monroe and Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson may not have committed suicide but he sure turned to some very dangerous habits, getting himself drugged to a sleep leading to his death. I'm sure there are others, I'd have to google them.

I don't believe that either of those deaths lead the general public to demand that loneliness be taken as a serious and widespread affliction. There weren't any large public outcries to solve the problem of loneliness in either case. That's consistent with my point about the noble yet futile hope that the public will somehow understand the problems associated with loneliness.

 

[diane85]

I agree with you completely, op. It would be so much better if lonely people were to be treated with compassion and empathy rather than others either being put off by the person's loneliness, trivialising it, or by being critical of the person for feeling this way.
I do feel that the present high value placed on independence by western societies is one cause of loneliness as instead of feeling lonely, someone alone is meant to be 'enjoying their freedom.' Loneliness is the great unmentionable. Having emotional needs and wanting to love and be loved instead of being self contained is somehow seen as weak.
Case- loneliness can cause cancer and other serious illnesses because of the stress it places on the immune system, and it needs to be taken as seriously as obesity and smoking.
Being very lonely is hard enough in itself, but when we are shamed by soicety and the reactions of others into hiding it, it makes it even worse.

I completely agree with the bolded part. I have experience that quite a bit when I have told people about my loneliness. I have noticed that lonely people are often treated like they are really weird simply for having trouble making friends or even wanting friends.

 

[mónos]

You have some very good points. Why we should be ashamed of loneliness? It doesn't make any of us any less worthy or a bad person.

No, it doesn't make anybody innately less worthy or bad, but it can be indicative that something is wrong (notice I said that it can be, not that it is). If my being lonely is due to my poor choices, then I might deserve to feel some shame at my lack of wisdom. In this case I should strive to make different choices and reverse my situation, if I am able.

On the otherhand, if it is due to circumstances beyond my control, such as bad parentage and upbringing, physical characteristics that are not culturally desirable, lack of educational and employment opportunities, etc., then I should feel no shame at my present emotional state.

So, what do we do if we are lonely due to unfortunate circumstances? Seeking an answer to that question is one reason we are here. We are wanting to connect online to others who feel the same and to get ideas for alternatives.

 

[ardour]

Loneliness is the great unmentionable. Having emotional needs and wanting to love and be loved instead of being self contained is somehow seen as weak.

That. In the present mean-spirited culture admitting loneliness is likely to result in being berated for needing validation. Relationships are referred to as business deals now, a 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours' arrangement if you like. A personal bond that supercedes that is anathema, like you're 'betraying yourself' if you care about a someone beyond what they do for you. Ayn Rand would be proud.

 

[jaguarundi]

Loneliness is the great unmentionable. Having emotional needs and wanting to love and be loved instead of being self contained is somehow seen as weak.

There is a difference between wanting and needing, though, I think? I think I would like to be loved, but I'm not sure I need it - but that is perhaps age talking. The older I get the less it seems to matter. What matters is finding an outlet for all the love I have in me, which is, particularly at my age, unwanted. It is just ..sad, really sad, how much potential love there is in the world that is untapped. If it were oil armies would be fighting and governments competing, but as it is 'only' love, who cares?

In the present mean-spirited culture admitting loneliness is likely to result in that person being berated for requiring validation. When people refer to relationships now it's almost like they're discussing a business deal - a 'you scratch my back, I scratch yours' arrangement.

Well we are all monkeys underneath, or something like that, so a bit of backscratching is always going to be on the menu, as it were. If one person gives and the other never does it will cause anger and bitterness eventually. But adding it all up like a balance sheet isn't the right way, either. And that goes for friends as well as lovers.

 

[lonelyfairy]

You have some very good points. Why we should be ashamed of loneliness? It doesn't make any of us any less worthy or a bad person.

No, it doesn't make anybody innately less worthy or bad, but it can be indicative that something is wrong (notice I said that it can be, not that it is). If my being lonely is due to my poor choices, then I might deserve to feel some shame at my lack of wisdom. In this case I should strive to make different choices and reverse my situation, if I am able.

On the otherhand, if it is due to circumstances beyond my control, such as bad parentage and upbringing, physical characteristics that are not culturally desirable, lack of educational and employment opportunities, etc., then I should feel no shame at my present emotional state.

So, what do we do if we are lonely due to unfortunate circumstances? Seeking an answer to that question is one reason we are here. We are wanting to connect online to others who feel the same and to get ideas for alternatives.

I do agree with you. I don't have nothing to add. I just said my opinion.

 

[cognitive]

Good post, most interesting points. I believe that when someone feels shame for loneliness it is a projection of what they believe they 'ought' to be. That 'ought' concerns the, distorted, view of, I must have friends to be of value. When absent of friends, we feel deficient, we crave respect and attention of others.

 

[Alonewith2cats]

need [/i] it - but that is perhaps age talking. The older I get the less it seems to matter. What matters is finding an outlet for all the love I have in me, which is, particularly at my age, unwanted. It is just ..sad, really sad, how much potential love there is in the world that is untapped. If it were oil armies would be fighting and governments competing, but as it is 'only' love, who cares?

On some level, I think everyone needs it. Children need to be loved and adults don't outgrow it. My cats remind me every day that they need me to love them.

Here is an article that I think makes sense.
http://www.ellenhartson.com/is-it-okay-to-need-love/