Try to change things, one step at a time. Decide what is important to you and see if there is any way you can take steps towards it. I feel the same way as you do most of the time and am trying slowly to change things.
I just don't know what to do , iv lost everything, I am in pain every day from mornin to night, I don't know where to go and I don't trust myself , I keep thinking of ways to stop feeling anything
Best thing is to try to keep yourself busy, even though it's hard. Force yourself to do one little thing each day for yourself - even if it means reading one measily page of a book.
When I have really bad days I always tell myself that tomorrow is another day and there might be some hope I'll feel differently.
It's okay to cry and sometimes you give into the pain (I am NOT saying hurt yourself in any way shape or form - please don't do it) but a lot of times you'll get so exhausted from it that you'll just stop feeling it temporarily.
Been dealing with depressive episodes for the past 7-8 months so I understand all your feelings. Hang in there. *hug*
You try regaining self worth by seeing and concentrating on what is good in you. You build a new future from scratch, difficult but worth trying. You live for yourself and not others in the sense that you include them love them respect them but not let them break you.
Know thyself, respect thyself, take care of yourself.