What does it mean to be "single"?

[TheSolitaryMan]

Just a quick question for discussion: when you're "single", how does that impact your conduct when it comes to interactions with people you feel attracted to?

I understand it varies from person to person, but I'm just curious on what everyone else sees being "single" as.

I've personally always felt like I want to wait for the right person to be my girlfriend. Someone I really trust, feel lots of affection for and love talking to.

Thus although I'm "single", I've never really felt free to just go out with people I find superficially attractive, or pursue a number of friendships for the goal of picking that special person out. Instead I tend to get really good friends with one person and start to develop a more romantic affection for them.

Some I speak to take a totally different approach. To them, "single" is exactly that. They'll happily kiss people they've only just met but find attractive, or "enjoy themselves" in other ways.

In many ways I do envy that freedom. It must be pleasant to feel so liberated and just do whatever you want like that, living in the moment. But if I were to act like that, I'd feel guilty for discarding my ideals.

I'm in the position at present in which there is someone I feel attracted to purely physically in my life, and I know for sure it's mutual. With this person there's a totally palpable sexual tension whenever we spend time together, but at the same time we wouldn't work in a relationship because our values are very different.

So that's really brought the contrast of my values and my "singleness" into perspective. Not that I want to change them, it's just made me realise that I view my approach to relationships differently to many others, which is perhaps why I feel somewhat alone sometimes.

So how about you guys? Is "single" a personal state of mind as much as a relationship status?

 

[theraab]

Thus although I'm "single", I've never really felt free to just go out with people I find superficially attractive, or pursue a number of friendships for the goal of picking that special person out. Instead I tend to get really good friends with one person and start to develop a more romantic affection for them.

I don't really see the value in doing it your way (no offense). There's nothing wrong with taking a girl out that you find superficially attractive - you might find that she is more than just her looks; and if not, you don't have to keep taking her out. On the other hand, if you fixate on one person and become good friends with them, you run the risk of being friendzoned (or watching the object of your affection as she goes out with other guys while you are getting to know her).

I think that there is kind of a middle ground between being friends with a girl and being a boyfriend - there is such a thing as casual dating that is somewhere in between; it is non-exclusive - you both can see other people - but you go out and have a good time on occasion. If you find you like the girl and she likes you, you can always make a more serious commitment.

Having said all that, though, my Jackie and I were friends 3 or 4 years before we started going out - and when we started going out, it wasn't just casually - we were exclusive from the beginning. So who knows.

I don't know if this answers your question or not.

 

[Badjedidude]

When I'm single, I'm a pervert and I feel like it's alright to sleep around a bit, date around, flirt with girls, etc.

When I'm in a relationship... well, I'm still a pervert, but only with the girl I'm with. I stay loyal to her alone and don't sleep or date anyone else.

 

[Barbaloot]

Although being single seems like freedom to me now, I realize that nothing was very different for me when I was single. I'd still be doing pretty much the same thing I normally do. I never dated or slept around, or kissed random people, or 'partied', or drank excessively. I never even got asked out on dates at all, in fact. I didn't do any of the things some people find to be enjoyable about being single. I would still just be sitting at home on the computer.
The only difference would be that I wouldn't have to account to anyone else for anything or compromise on my decisions for how I want to live or what I want to do, or even make for dinner. So that's about all for me.

 

[OnlyMe]

Just a quick question for discussion: when you're "single", how does that impact your conduct when it comes to interactions with people you feel attracted to?

I understand it varies from person to person, but I'm just curious on what everyone else sees being "single" as.

I've personally always felt like I want to wait for the right person to be my girlfriend. Someone I really trust, feel lots of affection for and love talking to.

Thus although I'm "single", I've never really felt free to just go out with people I find superficially attractive, or pursue a number of friendships for the goal of picking that special person out. Instead I tend to get really good friends with one person and start to develop a more romantic affection for them.

TheSoiltaryMan

You and I really do seem to have a lot in common based on what you have posted here plus your reply to my "Mixed Feelings" thread.

There are certainly many different perceptions of what it means to be single.

If you are to believe what you see on television and in the movies being a single young guy means non stop parties and women.

I think that in my case the fact I have been single my entire life actually impacts me in a negative way when it comes to interactions with women I am attracted to.

The lack of self confidence has always been more powerful than knowing I have the freedom to do whatever I want.

However it's funny that when you speak to someone who has been in a long term relationship.

They can quickly tell you the good things about being single including the little things such as being able to watch whatever you want on tv.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Being single means an opportunity to make friends and have wonderful friendships.

 

[duff]

more money in the bank

 

[perfanoff]

More time to spend on actual interests and hobbies

 

[jetsuo]

I've been in relationships non stop for about 4 years. Time for a break.

 

[duff]

less stress

 

[Lonely in BC]

No complaints when I steal the blankets.

 

[Lost Drifter]

The only difference would be that I wouldn't have to account to anyone else for anything or compromise on my decisions for how I want to live or what I want to do, or even make for dinner. So that's about all for me.

^ This ^

Single me is pretty much the same as relationship me only without having to be responsible for actions that could impact on someone else.

 

[grainofrice24]

Single = having a wad of extra cash that you wish you had someone to spend it on.

 

[The Good Citizen]

The only difference would be that I wouldn't have to account to anyone else for anything or compromise on my decisions for how I want to live or what I want to do, or even make for dinner. So that's about all for me.

^ This ^

Single me is pretty much the same as relationship me only without having to be responsible for actions that could impact on someone else.

I know what you're both saying but doesn't that neglect all the positives about being in a relationship, like what your partner does for you or having someone else to focus on sometimes? There are benefits in being single sure, as in not having to share and support someone, but there are benefits in being in a relationship also as in sharing and supporting someone.

There is an undoubted freedom that comes with being single though, no doubt about that. I think in a perfect relationship you help each other achieve what you want in life, putting each other first means you both win, but as anyone who has been in a relationship will agree, thats a slightly rose tinted view!

 

[duff]

if you spend years or even decades wanting a relationship with somebody nice and failing badly then it should be natural to want something else.

 

[LonelyInAtl]

Pros:
No one to account to for my time
I can walk around in my underwear/naked
I can drink out of the milk carton or juice bottle
I can watch what I want to on the big screen in the media room
I only have myself to buy for at Christmas


Cons:
No one to spend time with
No one to poke fun at me for walking around in my underwear/naked
No one to share the milk and juice with
No one to snuggle with while watching a movie
No one to have to put thought into a present for

 

[Okiedokes]

Ahhh let's see....

Nothing changed for me except I have my heart to myself now. And nobody looking over my shoulder telling me I'm doing it the wrong way or not good enough. Yeah it's nice to not be put down.

On the other side of things.. Cuddling would be nice at times.

 

[Badjedidude]

Cuddling would be nice at times.

That's definitely in my top 3 reasons for having a girlfriend.

 

[Sarah_Lbnz]

Leaving or going when I feel like it. Fooling around on vacation. Having the whole bed to myself and Farting Freely. Watching the sappiest/most depressing films when I feel like it because I can. Studying at 4 in the morning and eating a can of beans for dinner, and not having that criticized. <--- Things I like.

Maybe it just means not being in a committed relationship.

I believe that legally, if I'm not married or co-habitating with someone then I'm "single", but in my serious relationships I didn't feel single, because I really don't associate monogamy/polyamoury involving a primary partner with being single.

 

[PyramidHead]

Single means to be solo, or better to be without a fixed relationship, in my opinion. You may like it or not, unlike loneliness, where you miss something. As well, you can be alone because you miss friends, while single relates more to "romantic relationships".

That's my opinion so far for the topic.