What has been said to you about your singledom?

[ardour]

I've been following the conversation up there. I can only speak for myself here, but if being an "alpha male" is somehow crucial for attracting a particular group of women, maybe even the majority since it's oh-so-natural, I still wouldn't play ball. Improving yourself and having mental strength is all fair and square, but if someone really rejects you by saying you are not confident, assertive or man enough...hell, I would bail. I got my own set of standards and if I don't fulfill someone else's criterias or image of a "real man"...well, what a shame. I could care less.

We can't be strong at all times - yeah, not even men. In some circles it is expected that the man always knows the answers and always give direction. These are not the circles I would want to live in and certainly not a relationship I would want to find myself in. Not cause I couldn't do it in case it was necessary...but because I don't want anyone to expect it of me just because I was born with different chromosomes.

Me neither.

Who wants an immature flake who will leave you the moment you display any weakness or "loss of game"? What value is there in that kind of relationship?

 

[matt4]

I've been following the conversation up there. I can only speak for myself here, but if being an "alpha male" is somehow crucial for attracting a particular group of women, maybe even the majority since it's oh-so-natural, I still wouldn't play ball. Improving yourself and having mental strength is all fair and square, but if someone really rejects you by saying you are not confident, assertive or man enough...hell, I would bail. I got my own set of standards and if I don't fulfill someone else's criterias or image of a "real man"...well, what a shame. I could care less.

We can't be strong at all times - yeah, not even men. In some circles it is expected that the man always knows the answers and always give direction. These are not the circles I would want to live in and certainly not a relationship I would want to find myself in. Not cause I couldn't do it in case it was necessary...but because I don't want anyone to expect it of me just because I was born with different chromosomes.

Me neither.

Who wants an immature flake who will leave you the moment you display any weakness or "loss of game"? What value is there in that kind of relationship?

I'm primarily talking about early stages of dating not in a relationship.
This is what many guys like us fail to understand constantly coming across as needy or emotionally unstable especially if you've only been on a few dates will mean you won't go much further. Dating is about impressions and what is seen on dates.

Whats wrong with primeval instincts too? Why should they be supressed? They exist for a reason. Whether to find the the correct mate to continue our species or to protect our young/family. They are a natural part of us. Why dehumanise yourself?

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm primarily talking about early stages of dating not in a relationship.
This is what many guys like us fail to understand constantly coming across as needy or emotionally unstable especially if you've only been on a few dates will mean you won't go much further. Dating is about impressions and what is seen on dates.

Kind of sounds like you are telling men to put on an act and "fool" us stupid women or something....

 

[LonelyGuy1]

A few more recent comments by others followed by my own (internal) responses:

'There are worse things than being single!'

Well, I wouldn't know...all I know is being single.

'It just isn't your turn yet.'

Great, so I'm just waiting until it's 'my turn.' Who decides when that is?

'Don't take rejection personally!'

It's quite easy to say that when you have someone. It's very hard not to take it personally when all you know of love is rejection.

'Your time will come.'

Wonderful, so now you can see the future. Any idea when this magical opportunity will present itself?

'Focus on yourself first.'

Um, that's what I'm doing here. I'm trying to find love so I can experience something new, something that I should hope will make me happy. I'm going through all of this because I have needs which have never been met. I'm working on addressing those needs.

 

[Aisha]

Great, so I'm just waiting until it's 'my turn.' Who decides when that is?

You do.

 

[Xpendable]

You do.

I have the radical idea that we don't control the universe.

 

[user 115627]

I'll make this short since my only response towards most of your statements would've been "If you say so". According to you, almost everything is beyond your control because of social restrictions, evolution or else...so be it. It's not my call to tell you otherwise. But thanks for the exchange nonetheless, because it helped me understand your view on the world better.

I'm too unnoticeable to attract toxic people. They tend to be loud extroverts who hate silence.

I wish that would be true. But not all toxicity is exhibited by classic extroverted psychopaths/sociopaths. See the parents that unconsciously guilt-trip their child into staying at home by bursting into tears at his/her planned departure...I'd call that subtle toxicity. As genuinely emotional as it might be.

Women are likely to be plagued by the same kind of feelings, afraid of being judged or rejected for not fitting into these categories.

This has to do with what? I never said otherwise.

Yeah, but you were talking about men in your example and I was not sure if you believe women suffer the same fate. Cause further down you say they have it easier and I disagree. Which is fine...

Can't choose neither. I'm already at zero without choosing and I wouldn't fall into a bad relationship because I'm to aware to not see it coming.

That's what I kept telling myself beforehand and even after I had repeated my mistakes. So I'll just tell you to be careful. Don't overestimate your awareness. Love can make (unprepared) people blind or at least very short-sighted.

No one is pretending to be shallow. We are pretending not to be.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Desperate people attempting to cover their own "depth" just to appeal to the majority are nothing new...of course these charades easily collapse like a cardhouse. You can spot that behavior on every school yard and it continues from there.

Were do you live?, because in my country it is like that. Imagine all the minorities you know and now shrink them 20 times, and make them 20 times less subversive.

Germany.

You are slightly more optimist. That's ok.

It's actually funny cause everyone always tells me how depressing and pessimistic I am...well, nothing left to do but to wish you the best of luck.

 

[Xpendable]

I wish that would be true. But not all toxicity is exhibited by classic extroverted psychopaths/sociopaths. See the parents that unconsciously guilt-trip their child into staying at home by bursting into tears at his/her planned departure...I'd call that subtle toxicity. As genuinely emotional as it might be.

Yes, that's why I wrote "tend" to be. I'm aware of different ways of toxicity. I'm also extremely cynical to those people. After they see the can't manipulate me they leave me alone. Your parenting example is a little off because you can't choose your parents, but you can choose to some extend with what people you spend time with. I still get you point.

So I'll just tell you to be careful. Don't overestimate your awareness. Love can make (unprepared) people blind or at least very short-sighted.

I could overestimate me awareness, that's true, but first I have to be wanted by someone to test my hindsight. Until that happens my awareness remains unbeaten.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. Desperate people attempting to cover their own "depth" just to appeal to the majority are nothing new...of course these charades easily collapse like a cardhouse. You can spot that behavior on every school yard and it continues from there.

Then how are presidents elected?

Germany.

That's a whole world of difference.

 

[user 115627]

Then how are presidents elected?

Hmm. I always thought the one with the best pre-election promises win...and then people predictably rage when politicians don't keep their promises. That's their cardhouse. Problem is, they are not legally bound to do so, ergo there are no consequences except that they won't get elected again...unless the voters suffer from terrible amnesia - which seems to happen unusually often.

That's my point of view at least. Now that was a couple of miles away from the original topic, so we better stop here.

That's a whole world of difference.

You could save all your money to move elsewhere if you think the country is a major factor that can significantly tilt the odds in your favor...I doubt it though.

 

[Xpendable]

Hmm. I always thought the one with the best pre-election promises win...and then people predictably rage when politicians don't keep their promises. That's their cardhouse. Problem is, they are not legally bound to do so, ergo there are no consequences except that they won't get elected again...unless the voters suffer from terrible amnesia - which seems to happen unusually often.

I meant how can they not see they're fake before voting for them? Isn't so easy to spot it?

You could save all your money to move elsewhere if you think the country is a major factor that can significantly tilt the odds in your favor...I doubt it though.

It would take me years to save so much. But I do think the odds would change a lot. Most people that I know who traveled other countries always come with stories on how different the cultures are in respect to social dynamics. Gender dynamics are specially more open overseas an way more wight in spectrum. Sadly it would take a year of minimal wide to gather the money to a decent long trip and stay. Presuming I'm using all that money is just the trip and not to account for any other expenses. So that will be like three years working at least 6 days a week.

 

[user 115627]

I meant how can they not see they're fake before voting for them? Isn't so easy to spot it?

...is that a rhetorical or a serious question? Some are more and some are less convincing in their ways of course. But regardless, people will always believe what they want to believe. Whatever makes their reality more bearable or validates their world view. And many people still fancy the idea of an omniscient leader or messiah who'll lead us out of the darkness. Hope dies last...but it dies.

It would take me years to save so much. But I do think the odds would change a lot. Most people that I know who traveled other countries always come with stories on how different the cultures are in respect to social dynamics. Gender dynamics are specially more open overseas an way more wight in spectrum. Sadly it would take a year of minimal weight to gather the money to a decent long trip and stay. Presuming I'm using all that money is just the trip and not to account for any other expenses. So that will be like three years working at least 6 days a week.

You gotta see for yourself if it's a price you are willing to pay. That's all I can say here.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I'm primarily talking about early stages of dating not in a relationship.
This is what many guys like us fail to understand constantly coming across as needy or emotionally unstable especially if you've only been on a few dates will mean you won't go much further. Dating is about impressions and what is seen on dates.

Kind of sounds like you are telling men to put on an act and "fool" us stupid women or something....

I don't know if that was supposed to be funny, but if I had some green tea, I probably would have choked a bit. Yeah! Us stupid women need love, too!

Thank goodness I don't date.

 

[Triple Bogey]

My Mam said to me today ' I thought you would have had loads of girlfriends'

I replied 'it isn't my fault' - I didn't add 'women don't like me'

 

[Niave]

I'm never really around the people who might say something to me about it. So, I don't really have to deal with the usual comments. My family who I live with has never mention it to me because they know how damaged I am. I know some relatives wonder. I'm glad I don't live near them.

 

[ladyforsaken]

People don't comment about me being single anymore or expect me to have someone after knowing how "damaged" I am. On a positive note, what a relief.

 

[TheSkaFish]

Well, it's been my experience that as a guy, showing too much emotion, desire, or faults of any kind too early really screws things up. Which is hard for me, because I feel a lot. And when I meet someone that meets my standards of perfectionism, I get so excited, I tend to open up to them completely, hopes, dreams, goals, fears, past mistakes, all of it right away - especially when they really open up to me. I thought that I was relating to them and also showing that I wasn't afraid to be honest and to open up to them, but what I didn't realize was that I was just giving them a laundry list of my flaws. I thought that they would appreciate that I wasn't just another tool trying to put up a tough-guy front. But alas, that was not the case. I really kick myself, because I had a lot of stuff in common with them. But I opened up too much too early, and wasn't interesting enough to make up for it.

Nevertheless, I also think there's a lot of truth to what Rodent said here:

To keep trying still seems like a better option than resorting to accept the brand mark of the unprivileged who's not even allowed to choose. I can understand where you're coming from, but honestly: If you shove yourself into the undesirable category, your ride is over for good.

And yet, I wouldn't want to put my weapons down and and say: "You know, maybe I'm part of the designated loser crew. Let's stop here for good." I just don't want to end up there. But that's my personal view and I won't blame anyone else for surrendering. But society is not this gigantic, anonymous and hostile clusterfuck. There are people like you and me in there and - believe it or not - also females who will not bend to the system and who sympathize with like-minded guys and gals. And I'd rather appeal to this supposed minority the way I am than forcing myself into a mold, trying to appeal to majority.

That's what I'd been doing all my life, and with these girls I was no different. I'd always thought of myself as unprivileged, and it probably became a self-fulfilling prophecy in the ways I came across. No, even if the dating world really is as nasty as it seems, I can't keep giving in to pessimism like that. I too will not lay down my weapons, shrug, and say, well, maybe I am part of the designated loser crew. I've done that all my life and it hasn't gotten me what I wanted.

I do have a weakness in that I do care if I wind up in a relationship or not. I do really want to be in one. And I really do care about what kind of girl I find myself dating. I refuse to compromise my dreams. But I also refuse to give in to pessimism. It just makes me feel like quitting, and that's what I don't need. No, I won't be pessimistic even if human nature in seeking partners really is ugly.

I know I'm good enough, or at least I could be. And I'm committed to finding a girlfriend. I don't know when it will happen, but I feel like I can do it, and it will happen for me.

I'd rep you if I could there, Rodent. Nice post.

 

[ardour]

I do have a weakness in that I do care if I wind up in a relationship or not. I do really want to be in one. And I really do care about what kind of girl I find myself dating. I refuse to compromise my dreams.

If you're not prepared to compromise one bit then you can't really expect others to give you chance.

 

[lei]

Here was an offensive one...

"So when WAS the last time you went on a date?"

And she put a big emphasis in her voice like...'**** it must have been forever'

I didn't answer her and said "let's not talk about that". It was more like she was curious in a making-fun type of way, instead of being actually concerned for my happiness and wellbeing.

 

[Stonely]

I am single but I'm still young, so it's acceptable.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I do have a weakness in that I do care if I wind up in a relationship or not. I do really want to be in one. And I really do care about what kind of girl I find myself dating. I refuse to compromise my dreams.

If you're not prepared to compromise one bit then you can't really expect others to give you chance.

Well, that's not entirely true. Even the girl who was the best match for me I've ever met and am likely to ever meet (it's uncanny how similar our tastes were, the views we shared, the things we valued) had some things about her that I didn't agree with. She liked dubstep, at the time she smoked cigarettes, and had a few boyfriends before.

But I was willing to overlook those, because they were nothing compared to everything I thought was wonderful about her.