LonelyGuy1
Member
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2014
- Messages
- 19
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2014 has been by far the worst year of my life, emotionally. I'll get to why, but first, a little background...
I'm a 34-year-old male virgin. I've never kissed a girl, or done any of the stuff that comes after that. I've never had a girlfriend. It's certainly not for a lack of desire. I tried, many times in my youth, to find someone. But no one I liked ever cared about me. I've been unlucky in this area of my life.
For a long time, I pushed any thoughts of wanting to find someone out of my head. Once I was out of college/grad school (about 8 years ago) and I was no longer seeing couples on campus, I almost forgot that I was alone. Without those visual reminders, it was easy enough to forget about it. I focused on finding work, doing well at my job, and spending time with my friends. That was enough for me.
It's like I turned off the part of my mind that had any desire for a romantic connection, intimacy, any of that...I just ignored it. For years, I honestly didn't think about the fact that I was single. I didn't yearn to be with someone. I was just fine being on my own. I didn't feel like I was missing out. I had this idea that I'd find her when it was 'my time,' and even then, it was a passing thought, mostly during the holidays or when making a wish for the coming year at my birthday.
Flash forward to this year. I finally moved out of my family's home, and am now living 'on my own,' albeit with a roommate. I started doing speed dating/singles events in January, figuring that now that I had my own place, I was in a better position to find someone. For a few months, I kept trying, but it still hadn't hit me how lonely I truly was.
Easter morning, I left a friend's house, got in my car, and BAM! it hit me. Hit me like a train. A sappy love song came on the radio, and I lost it. I wasn't just tearing up, I was sobbing. The whole ride home, I was crying my eyes out. I couldn't even believe that I could cry so forcefully, but there it was.
Ever since that day, I've cried at least once per day. I can't believe how raw, sharp, and accessible my emotions are. I feel like I've been numb for years and I'm just now starting to feel emotions again.
Now, I'm on 4-5 dating sites, I do speed dating, singles events, I've consulted a matchmaker, and I tell anyone and everyone I can think of that I'm looking for someone. I'm in crisis mode. I want this now. In fact, I need this now. It's a basic human need that I've ignored for far too long. I have no more pride of shame about being single. I just want out of this phase of my life ASAP. All I want is to have a great relationship. I see happy couples and wonder what it's like to actually have someone.
Sometimes, I wish more than anything that I could turn this off and go back to not caring about being single, but when you push down feelings for almost a decade, they resurge stronger than ever. It's scary to me how intensely I feel about this. I don't want to spend another moment of my life single. It feels like a punishment. I've decided that I won't be celebrating my birthday this year (35, kind of a milestone) if I don't have someone special in my life. It may sound harsh, but it's my day and I'll celebrate it (or not) as I choose. I have no interest in sitting in front of a birthday cake crying my eyes out in front of a group of people when it comes time to make a wish. I refuse to put myself through that.
People I know try to help when they tell me to focus on the good things in my life, but it's very hard to be happy when your heart is aching, your frustrations are rising, and your desires are raging.
Just been a really rough year...thanks for reading. I'm so glad I found this site.
I'm a 34-year-old male virgin. I've never kissed a girl, or done any of the stuff that comes after that. I've never had a girlfriend. It's certainly not for a lack of desire. I tried, many times in my youth, to find someone. But no one I liked ever cared about me. I've been unlucky in this area of my life.
For a long time, I pushed any thoughts of wanting to find someone out of my head. Once I was out of college/grad school (about 8 years ago) and I was no longer seeing couples on campus, I almost forgot that I was alone. Without those visual reminders, it was easy enough to forget about it. I focused on finding work, doing well at my job, and spending time with my friends. That was enough for me.
It's like I turned off the part of my mind that had any desire for a romantic connection, intimacy, any of that...I just ignored it. For years, I honestly didn't think about the fact that I was single. I didn't yearn to be with someone. I was just fine being on my own. I didn't feel like I was missing out. I had this idea that I'd find her when it was 'my time,' and even then, it was a passing thought, mostly during the holidays or when making a wish for the coming year at my birthday.
Flash forward to this year. I finally moved out of my family's home, and am now living 'on my own,' albeit with a roommate. I started doing speed dating/singles events in January, figuring that now that I had my own place, I was in a better position to find someone. For a few months, I kept trying, but it still hadn't hit me how lonely I truly was.
Easter morning, I left a friend's house, got in my car, and BAM! it hit me. Hit me like a train. A sappy love song came on the radio, and I lost it. I wasn't just tearing up, I was sobbing. The whole ride home, I was crying my eyes out. I couldn't even believe that I could cry so forcefully, but there it was.
Ever since that day, I've cried at least once per day. I can't believe how raw, sharp, and accessible my emotions are. I feel like I've been numb for years and I'm just now starting to feel emotions again.
Now, I'm on 4-5 dating sites, I do speed dating, singles events, I've consulted a matchmaker, and I tell anyone and everyone I can think of that I'm looking for someone. I'm in crisis mode. I want this now. In fact, I need this now. It's a basic human need that I've ignored for far too long. I have no more pride of shame about being single. I just want out of this phase of my life ASAP. All I want is to have a great relationship. I see happy couples and wonder what it's like to actually have someone.
Sometimes, I wish more than anything that I could turn this off and go back to not caring about being single, but when you push down feelings for almost a decade, they resurge stronger than ever. It's scary to me how intensely I feel about this. I don't want to spend another moment of my life single. It feels like a punishment. I've decided that I won't be celebrating my birthday this year (35, kind of a milestone) if I don't have someone special in my life. It may sound harsh, but it's my day and I'll celebrate it (or not) as I choose. I have no interest in sitting in front of a birthday cake crying my eyes out in front of a group of people when it comes time to make a wish. I refuse to put myself through that.
People I know try to help when they tell me to focus on the good things in my life, but it's very hard to be happy when your heart is aching, your frustrations are rising, and your desires are raging.
Just been a really rough year...thanks for reading. I'm so glad I found this site.