I don't know where to start or even where to post this, so if it's in the wrong place go on and move it, it won't hurt my feelings. I've been around these forums for a while now and I'm usually a pretty upbeat guy, but I'm feeling awful, I can't even think of a word to describe it, and I just need to get all this out, it's just so....
Have you ever met someone and felt like it was some how fate that it happened? It was my first day of high school,5 years ago, I walked into my 3rd period class and didn't know where to sit so I just threw my books down at a random table, and like everyone else I walked around the room not really knowing anybody, and at the time I was shy and wouldn't dare talk to anyone that I didn't know, especially on such a stressful day! But I was standing there and I saw the back of "her" head she was standing there like me and was alone, and she seemed so familiar...My legs started walking in her direction, as my brain kept wondering who she was...I just walked and walked closer and closer, I didn't know what I was doing, I would never approach someone I didn't know, what were my legs doing? But before I could answer I was standing right behind her and my arm reached out and tapped her on the shoulder. My face must have been struck with a mix of amazement and fear as she turned around. I remember the first thought that came into my head was "She's beautiful" and all I could manage to say was "Hi".
I was the smallest boy in the class, I'd always been, I never really got picked on about it because I would turn it into a joke every time someone brought it up, which was often, but I just made it part of who I was. It was strange because she was really small too, we seemed to fit each other like two puzzle pieces.. I wasn't social, she was, I was good at schoolwork, she wasn't, she was a good talker and I was a good listener.. We spent those days eating lunch together and sending notes to each other during class, because our schedules were practically identical. I remember nothing about Earth Science but I remember every word she said to me and wrote me. She helped me and I helped her and she made me feel strong and whole. She was so small I was always trying to protect her even though I wasn't much bigger, I just felt like I had to help her..I don't think I was in love with her then but I loved her the way one close friend loves another. Then, during my Junior year I didn't have any classes with her and we both never saw each other for a while, until I decided to take an accounting class, I still don't know why I took that class, but I did and she was in it too. She hadn't changed at all, neither had I, life was good! I had forgotten how good she made me feel, I was whole again. At one point I asked her to the Christmas dance because she didn't have a date and I didn't either (but I usually didn't go to those things anyway),and it really seemed like she wanted to go to that dance, she said yes and I was happier still. What I didn't expect was the guy in the hallway that pulled me aside and said to keep my distance from his girlfriend.. I still took her and we had a good time, and she quickly broke up with that guy, which I found weird at the time.. I didn't think I wanted to be an accountant but I took accounting 2 and 3 just to be with her. She would sit next to me every day and I enjoyed that, I would help her with accounting stuff and we would talk to pass the time. Eventually though we were spending so much time together that people started wondering what was going on between us, I tried to explain but noticed I couldn't, it was hard to describe. We were more than friends but not romantically involved...Then, she started saying the occasional "I love you" and it was always so happy sounding, so light in comparison to the weight the words actually carry. It was always at unexpected moments, right in the middle of conversations, or in the middle of an accounting problem, it always caught me off guard, surprised me, but in a good way. I always just responded with a "thanks" or "yea I try", of course I loved her it was a given, but I don't know if she knew, I just couldn't say it, I never said it not even to family, how could I say it to her?
By this time it was our senior year and everyone was making preparations to go off to college and I tried not to think about it but I knew that I wouldn't see her with any frequency after we graduated but I didn't think about that, I didn't want to... Accounting 4, which was individual study, it didn't have any real teacher, and practically no one took that class, there were only 5 of us, including myself because of course I took it to stay with her for as long as I could. At this point I was in love with her, a million times over. The "I love you"s kept on coming with ever increasing frequency and I savored ever last one of them and eventually ,with practice, I started saying it back to her: "I love you too", it felt good to make her feel at least a little like she made me feel. Then her parents moved and she stayed behind to live with her aunt, who by some coincidence, lived just down the street from me. She didn't like it there and that added to the stress of an already stressful time in our lives, but like always we helped each other get through it all, we did a lot more things together, we even rode the bus together because I didn't have my license and she did but didn't have a car, so we rode that bus every morning side by side, two of the only seniors that didn't drive, what were the odds? She got more and more depressed the longer the year went on, and the "I love you"s became less happy and more somber as if saying thank God your here with me, and I always made sure to say it back. Her being depressed made me depressed, and as the year went on I became so stressed out with everything going on, all the pressure of everyone telling me to apply for colleges, trying to get my license, leaving everyone I'd ever known, including her... I almost committed suicide, I didn't want to think about living without her, I was so depressed, but I tried not to show it, because I knew it would make her worry about me,but for the most part I was still happy when I was around her, she was what was keeping me motivated to live. It was the world vs the two of us and even though we knew we couldn't possibly win, we kept going. Then one week she asked me if I liked anyone, and I said something along the lines of yes, someone, I never said it was her, but I knew that she had figured that out a long time ago. That week we started holding hands, she would put her head on my shoulder and we would just sit there for as long as we could before we had to do work. Those simple gestures were the best moments of my life, time that I really thought I was loved and was with the one I loved, I'll always remember that week as the pinnacle of my happiness, all of the depression, the stress,everything else just melted away that week, it was just me and her. I'd have never regretted any of it if it hadn't all gone horribly wrong when I took her to prom. The actual prom was fun, lots of dancing, we both had a good time, then there was an after prom party that lasted until morning, everyone we knew was there, my friends all wanted me to spend time with them and her friends all wanted her to be with them so we separated for most of the night, that's how I thought things were supposed to be, but 3/4 of the way through the night I saw her sitting alone at a table with her head in her hands, I went and sat next to her and asked what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. So after a while of worrying what I had done wrong, I asked her friend and she said that she expected me to do more with her. That hurt, I was the cause, I tried to fix it, I sat with her for hours in silence she was so unhappy, so miserable looking and there was nothing that I could have done, I tried everything, but she wouldn't even talk to me, just silence.. And that was one of the worst feelings I've ever felt, I failed in making her happy, it was awful, that's the only word I can think of to describe it.
We still sat next to each other in accounting but things weren't the same, she wasn't angry at me, but I was angry at myself, she still said "I love you" occasionally and I still always said "I love you too" back. There was only a week left of classes and then graduation wasn't until another week after that, and she would still put her head on my shoulder, and I still loved her for that so much.. I don't know what it was, but I got really sick and missed the last two days of class, I'd never been as sick as I was then, I couldn't move I just lay in bed all day for a week. I thought I was going to die, and I thought it was a fitting place to end it all everything was right...But then something happened and..I didn't die. But nearly dying changed me into a different person, it didn't feel right, like I wasn't supposed to be alive, like I was supposed to die but wouldn't. I went to graduation but I don't remember seeing her there or anything for that matter, I still had an extremely high fever, I must have just left afterwards but I'm not sure about anything that day. I didn't talk to anyone for at least two weeks into summer, by then all my symptoms were gone and I could think clearly. I talked to her using YIM every now and then and went out with friends but both became less and less frequent as the summer continued, it was the loneliest I'd ever felt, I was so isolated and was so used to being able to talk to everyone on a daily basis especially her that it was overwhelming. The worst part was not seeing her, not being with her, it drove me crazy, we just grew apart it was so hard to accept, she was my world a couple weeks ago, what was I supposed to do now? I remember crying every night that summer, if anyone has tried to get over someone you love, then you know the emotion. It was hard, I thought about her every day, in fact I kept a journal of the entire year and I swear to you there isn't a single entry without her in it. I was a mess, I still had side effects from the sickness and I never felt normal, I kept thinking that I should have died then, all this shouldn't be happening to me.
Around then it was time for me to leave for college, and I did, but I didn't make any friends there so the loneliness continued. Slowly, very slowly I got used to it, I accepted that this was the path in life I chose and I needed to deal with it. About mid way through my first semester I could officially say that I didn't think about her nearly as much, I don't know if you could say I didn't love her anymore, because that would never be true, but at least I was in the process of forgetting her. When one day I was online and I talked to her, for the first time in at least 6 months, I acted indifferent, not wanting to seem that I still had any trace of feelings left for her, when she told me she was engaged to be married, all I could muster then was, "congratulations"... Then all the things I had tried to forget came rushing back all at once, and it was harder still to get rid of them, let alone be happy for her that she was getting married, which in all honesty, I wanted to be happy for her, because I know that she would be happy, but still it took a long time to wrap my mind around it, she was getting married and moving further away still.. It again took me a while to lock those feelings back up and forget everything wonderful that ever happened and this is how I stayed for a long time, I still occasionally talked to her online but it was always just general conversations about how classes were going, nothing profound in the least bit, I thought about her less and less, the more time passed by, until I noticed it had been two years since I'd seen her and at least 5 months since I last talked to her, I had forgotten everything that happened, somehow pushed it out of my mind and went on living my life
That is until about a couple weeks ago when she struck up a conversation online which somehow turned to us talking about the past. She said she had been meaning to ask me a question, she asked me if I really loved her back then, I told her I did. We kept talking, and she said that she wished I would have told her that I really meant it because she really meant it and thought I was just saying it... The conversation ended when I stated that we wouldn't ever know what would have happened had I told her, she agreed and those were the last words I ever said to her... How can I not live life regretting what I never said? How different things could have been, how better things could have been.If you love someone, tell them! And make sure they know you mean it with every fiber of your being, don't make the same mistake as me and live your life regretting things that you never said...My wedding day could have been in Spring...
Have you ever met someone and felt like it was some how fate that it happened? It was my first day of high school,5 years ago, I walked into my 3rd period class and didn't know where to sit so I just threw my books down at a random table, and like everyone else I walked around the room not really knowing anybody, and at the time I was shy and wouldn't dare talk to anyone that I didn't know, especially on such a stressful day! But I was standing there and I saw the back of "her" head she was standing there like me and was alone, and she seemed so familiar...My legs started walking in her direction, as my brain kept wondering who she was...I just walked and walked closer and closer, I didn't know what I was doing, I would never approach someone I didn't know, what were my legs doing? But before I could answer I was standing right behind her and my arm reached out and tapped her on the shoulder. My face must have been struck with a mix of amazement and fear as she turned around. I remember the first thought that came into my head was "She's beautiful" and all I could manage to say was "Hi".
I was the smallest boy in the class, I'd always been, I never really got picked on about it because I would turn it into a joke every time someone brought it up, which was often, but I just made it part of who I was. It was strange because she was really small too, we seemed to fit each other like two puzzle pieces.. I wasn't social, she was, I was good at schoolwork, she wasn't, she was a good talker and I was a good listener.. We spent those days eating lunch together and sending notes to each other during class, because our schedules were practically identical. I remember nothing about Earth Science but I remember every word she said to me and wrote me. She helped me and I helped her and she made me feel strong and whole. She was so small I was always trying to protect her even though I wasn't much bigger, I just felt like I had to help her..I don't think I was in love with her then but I loved her the way one close friend loves another. Then, during my Junior year I didn't have any classes with her and we both never saw each other for a while, until I decided to take an accounting class, I still don't know why I took that class, but I did and she was in it too. She hadn't changed at all, neither had I, life was good! I had forgotten how good she made me feel, I was whole again. At one point I asked her to the Christmas dance because she didn't have a date and I didn't either (but I usually didn't go to those things anyway),and it really seemed like she wanted to go to that dance, she said yes and I was happier still. What I didn't expect was the guy in the hallway that pulled me aside and said to keep my distance from his girlfriend.. I still took her and we had a good time, and she quickly broke up with that guy, which I found weird at the time.. I didn't think I wanted to be an accountant but I took accounting 2 and 3 just to be with her. She would sit next to me every day and I enjoyed that, I would help her with accounting stuff and we would talk to pass the time. Eventually though we were spending so much time together that people started wondering what was going on between us, I tried to explain but noticed I couldn't, it was hard to describe. We were more than friends but not romantically involved...Then, she started saying the occasional "I love you" and it was always so happy sounding, so light in comparison to the weight the words actually carry. It was always at unexpected moments, right in the middle of conversations, or in the middle of an accounting problem, it always caught me off guard, surprised me, but in a good way. I always just responded with a "thanks" or "yea I try", of course I loved her it was a given, but I don't know if she knew, I just couldn't say it, I never said it not even to family, how could I say it to her?
By this time it was our senior year and everyone was making preparations to go off to college and I tried not to think about it but I knew that I wouldn't see her with any frequency after we graduated but I didn't think about that, I didn't want to... Accounting 4, which was individual study, it didn't have any real teacher, and practically no one took that class, there were only 5 of us, including myself because of course I took it to stay with her for as long as I could. At this point I was in love with her, a million times over. The "I love you"s kept on coming with ever increasing frequency and I savored ever last one of them and eventually ,with practice, I started saying it back to her: "I love you too", it felt good to make her feel at least a little like she made me feel. Then her parents moved and she stayed behind to live with her aunt, who by some coincidence, lived just down the street from me. She didn't like it there and that added to the stress of an already stressful time in our lives, but like always we helped each other get through it all, we did a lot more things together, we even rode the bus together because I didn't have my license and she did but didn't have a car, so we rode that bus every morning side by side, two of the only seniors that didn't drive, what were the odds? She got more and more depressed the longer the year went on, and the "I love you"s became less happy and more somber as if saying thank God your here with me, and I always made sure to say it back. Her being depressed made me depressed, and as the year went on I became so stressed out with everything going on, all the pressure of everyone telling me to apply for colleges, trying to get my license, leaving everyone I'd ever known, including her... I almost committed suicide, I didn't want to think about living without her, I was so depressed, but I tried not to show it, because I knew it would make her worry about me,but for the most part I was still happy when I was around her, she was what was keeping me motivated to live. It was the world vs the two of us and even though we knew we couldn't possibly win, we kept going. Then one week she asked me if I liked anyone, and I said something along the lines of yes, someone, I never said it was her, but I knew that she had figured that out a long time ago. That week we started holding hands, she would put her head on my shoulder and we would just sit there for as long as we could before we had to do work. Those simple gestures were the best moments of my life, time that I really thought I was loved and was with the one I loved, I'll always remember that week as the pinnacle of my happiness, all of the depression, the stress,everything else just melted away that week, it was just me and her. I'd have never regretted any of it if it hadn't all gone horribly wrong when I took her to prom. The actual prom was fun, lots of dancing, we both had a good time, then there was an after prom party that lasted until morning, everyone we knew was there, my friends all wanted me to spend time with them and her friends all wanted her to be with them so we separated for most of the night, that's how I thought things were supposed to be, but 3/4 of the way through the night I saw her sitting alone at a table with her head in her hands, I went and sat next to her and asked what was wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. So after a while of worrying what I had done wrong, I asked her friend and she said that she expected me to do more with her. That hurt, I was the cause, I tried to fix it, I sat with her for hours in silence she was so unhappy, so miserable looking and there was nothing that I could have done, I tried everything, but she wouldn't even talk to me, just silence.. And that was one of the worst feelings I've ever felt, I failed in making her happy, it was awful, that's the only word I can think of to describe it.
We still sat next to each other in accounting but things weren't the same, she wasn't angry at me, but I was angry at myself, she still said "I love you" occasionally and I still always said "I love you too" back. There was only a week left of classes and then graduation wasn't until another week after that, and she would still put her head on my shoulder, and I still loved her for that so much.. I don't know what it was, but I got really sick and missed the last two days of class, I'd never been as sick as I was then, I couldn't move I just lay in bed all day for a week. I thought I was going to die, and I thought it was a fitting place to end it all everything was right...But then something happened and..I didn't die. But nearly dying changed me into a different person, it didn't feel right, like I wasn't supposed to be alive, like I was supposed to die but wouldn't. I went to graduation but I don't remember seeing her there or anything for that matter, I still had an extremely high fever, I must have just left afterwards but I'm not sure about anything that day. I didn't talk to anyone for at least two weeks into summer, by then all my symptoms were gone and I could think clearly. I talked to her using YIM every now and then and went out with friends but both became less and less frequent as the summer continued, it was the loneliest I'd ever felt, I was so isolated and was so used to being able to talk to everyone on a daily basis especially her that it was overwhelming. The worst part was not seeing her, not being with her, it drove me crazy, we just grew apart it was so hard to accept, she was my world a couple weeks ago, what was I supposed to do now? I remember crying every night that summer, if anyone has tried to get over someone you love, then you know the emotion. It was hard, I thought about her every day, in fact I kept a journal of the entire year and I swear to you there isn't a single entry without her in it. I was a mess, I still had side effects from the sickness and I never felt normal, I kept thinking that I should have died then, all this shouldn't be happening to me.
Around then it was time for me to leave for college, and I did, but I didn't make any friends there so the loneliness continued. Slowly, very slowly I got used to it, I accepted that this was the path in life I chose and I needed to deal with it. About mid way through my first semester I could officially say that I didn't think about her nearly as much, I don't know if you could say I didn't love her anymore, because that would never be true, but at least I was in the process of forgetting her. When one day I was online and I talked to her, for the first time in at least 6 months, I acted indifferent, not wanting to seem that I still had any trace of feelings left for her, when she told me she was engaged to be married, all I could muster then was, "congratulations"... Then all the things I had tried to forget came rushing back all at once, and it was harder still to get rid of them, let alone be happy for her that she was getting married, which in all honesty, I wanted to be happy for her, because I know that she would be happy, but still it took a long time to wrap my mind around it, she was getting married and moving further away still.. It again took me a while to lock those feelings back up and forget everything wonderful that ever happened and this is how I stayed for a long time, I still occasionally talked to her online but it was always just general conversations about how classes were going, nothing profound in the least bit, I thought about her less and less, the more time passed by, until I noticed it had been two years since I'd seen her and at least 5 months since I last talked to her, I had forgotten everything that happened, somehow pushed it out of my mind and went on living my life
That is until about a couple weeks ago when she struck up a conversation online which somehow turned to us talking about the past. She said she had been meaning to ask me a question, she asked me if I really loved her back then, I told her I did. We kept talking, and she said that she wished I would have told her that I really meant it because she really meant it and thought I was just saying it... The conversation ended when I stated that we wouldn't ever know what would have happened had I told her, she agreed and those were the last words I ever said to her... How can I not live life regretting what I never said? How different things could have been, how better things could have been.If you love someone, tell them! And make sure they know you mean it with every fiber of your being, don't make the same mistake as me and live your life regretting things that you never said...My wedding day could have been in Spring...
