Why I'm where I am right now

[apathy]

"What is the purpose of life?"
I'm pretty sure that this question has been around for a reaaaally long time and has crossed most people's minds.
Yes, It's a subjective question...
Albert Einstein had once said, "Only a life lived for others is worth living."
I've always been by myself as a kid, sitting at the back of class with my nose in a book. I was the kid who would hide at the encyclopedia section of the library where I knew that the other kids wouldn't find me.

Home wasn't much of a home either. I never really understood why and how emotions came so easily and naturally to most people.
Perhaps I have been emotionally and socially stunted since the 6th grade when I stood up for this disabled girl and got thrashed by the other kids for that.

From that experience, I learnt that most people would conform and join the crowd like mindless sheep.

The beginning of high school did not help my isolation and "anti-social" behaviour, as one of my teachers had snidely put it. Up till this point, I have only one childhood friend from elementary school.. and we live in different countries now.

I'll be in my final year of high school next year and I haven't really been "living a life for others" as there's pretty much no one to live for. During schooldays, I'm always intensely working on schoolwork that I *forget* that I'm lonely. Now that it's the holidays, I'm self-reflecting again... Is it possible to feel satisfied by living a life for myself? That is, even if I do get the grades and get into some university course that relates to my interests (sociology, art therapy etc), would I be happy?
It's not that I want to be alone, I just can't relate to most people or feel any connection whatsoever. (Hence the name, apathy.)

I sort of envisioned myself as this future 30-something workaholic chic who ends up as an old spinster with 17 cats (heh heh the crazy cat lady!).. or failing college and working in the food service industry.. !
Though I would most probably get the booger-picking fat kid killed with food poisoning due to my poor food preparation skills.

Uhm.. yeah that was a long post. I doubt people would be replying to this as I'm someone who has a short attention span myself ^^ .. or maybe several people are already foaming in the mouth, spasming on the ground with all my boring talk. Heheheh..

 

[Naleena]

I think people are happy when they are doing what they are passionate about. Some people are passionate about helping others, some are passionate about art, etc. When you find what you love and do it; you will be happy. That's what I think anyway.

 

[LGH1288]

Hi apathy -- Naleena's wisdom is profoundly apropos as it relates to your question. Just think about all the years you've been "hiding" from your emotions. Would you want to "break on through to the other side" and begin "feeling" instead? Would you want to "come alive"? I'd like this for myself. For a longest time I've felt that my creativity has been suppressed and I wish I could unlock it. Maybe passion is the master key. I know that whenever I get very excited about something I'm the most happiest. What would excite you? Yes, consider indulging yourself! Live it, LG

 

[Sci-Fi]

LOL some of your post was comical, especially the booger eating kid part.

Perhaps I have been emotionally and socially stunted since the 6th grade when I stood up for this disabled girl and got thrashed by the other kids for that.

From that experience, I learnt that most people would conform and join the crowd like mindless sheep.

You might have gotten thrashed but you did someone very few people would ever do, so kudos to you, even if it didn't turn out so well.

Naleena is right about finding something you are passionate about, I have several hobbies that make me happy. Just have to force myself to do them sometimes and I always feel better when I get done.

You sound like you have a pretty good head on your shoulders for a young person. So what if you are focused on school work, keep it up, make the good grades, do what you want to do. Being a teenager and in high school is not easy, it's hard, won't deny that. Most people your age don't realize how important school is, blame it on those teenage emotions, you seem to have a grasp on that. I wish I focused more on actual school then my high school social life and worry about my friends. You're ahead of the game, years from now someone will probably come up to you (when your a big success) and tell you how they wish they were more like you in school. It'll probably be one of those idiots that thrashed you too.

 

[SherryGee]

hey apathy

 

[Malrk]

Hey! Welcome to the forums!

 

[Punisher]

Hi apathy

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site.

 

[apathy]

Naleena - Yup, that's what I think too. It's just on festive holidays when I start to feel lonely once in awhile. Heh heh, I'll probably I'll just have to wait and see how my life works out.

LGH1288 - Mmm, I wouldn't say that I have been "hiding" from my emotions. Rather, the way I handle my emotions is by quiet contemplation, dissecting them inside out and analyzing the reasons for the cause of such emotions. I'm very unresponsive to the people who try to get a reaction out of me but I do express myself. I do draw, play the piano and focus all my anger onto getting the job done - getting the grades after being put down by my mother time and again. I figured, if no one wants me.. I'll still want myself. Although, I don't feel excited by doing the things above... I feel more calm. Perhaps I haven't found my passion yet... I'm considering taking up the drums actually.
Photography is also something I would want to get myself into.
I'll just have to try new things and see how It goes. I hope you *unlock* yours too!

Sci-fi - Yes.. poor booger-eating kid. I hope he never gets to meet me!

Mm hm, I have never regretted standing up for that girl. Perhaps, I would not be who I am now if I had not been thrashed and taunted by other kids. I'm cynical and pessimistic, yes. The truth is ugly, but I would rather face it than sugarcoat it.

Yup, I'm going to try new things and hopefully find what I'm passionate about.

Hahaha, it's good that you care about your friends. I wish there was someone like you in my school. When I'm a big success? I wouldn't know about that. Anything can happen, I might not even be able to attend college. Who knows.. ? I'll just have to do what I can right now and not worry about what I can't control. =)

To the rest -
Thanks for welcoming me to the forum ^^

 

[Callie]

heya apathy

 

[SophiaGrace]

Well you don't seem to suffer a lot of negative consequences from not talking to people much...you only feel lonely when you stop to think. So, maybe it's not a problem for you?

 

[apathy]

Wouldn't really call it a problem since I can still function everyday. Negative consequences? Well, since I've always been a detached observer... I've grown to be very cynical ever since I was a kid. It's very hard for me to interract with others on a social level though if It was to do with work\school ... that was fine.

This year, there was this guy in school who would always approach me and he seemed to have wanted to be friends with me.
Most of the other guys he hung out with weren't the nicest of people... and so I never really kept my guard down around him.
During the middle of the school year, he seemed to be reclusing himself from his pals. Sometimes he would tell me about his problems and how his friends seem to be changing into jackasses. He was a generally nice and sincere (he seemed to be..) fellow, so I started to open up alittle. One day he came to me, looking really depressed. As he told me about how he felt abandoned by his pals... I could relate to that. I was caught between deciding whether I wanted to give him a hug or stand awkwardly beside him, while giving some advice ofcourse.

At the end, I didn't hug him.. thanks to my insecurities and paranoid tendencies. Whenever I had the urge to show some sort of affection to someone else, but didn't act out on it... I would push myself to the extreme, either mentally or physically. Sometimes these distractions don't work, so I would hurt myself. Part of me feels horrible for not making him feel better while the other part of me doesn't feel anything at all - It's good to be cautious.
My desire for meaningful connection with others is as much as my desire to want to be alone and unexposed.
Maybe I bore people. Maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe our personalities conflicted.

After about a month or so, I found out that I was just *game* between him and one of his close pals. My cynicism grew a whole lot more since then. "Yeah, let's try to get a reaction out of that tough chick." Yeah, I figured.

I don't know. It sort of is a problem yet I'm trying to not make it a problem for me. I mean, how pointless would It be to bawl my eyes out?
Feeling sorry for myself? Feeling cheated? Feeling stupid? Ok, I give myself ten minutes to do that in the shower. That's it, rather than brooding over the fact that I almost got played by an ******* and how I wished that for once, someone would prove me wrong and not fit the stereotypical criteria to be an *******.... I could just
move on.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Those guys sound really stupid. I cant believe they did that to you. :/

Eh well, time to move onto nicer people.

You werent stupid btw, it was them, not you.

 

[apathy]

Mm, yeah my intuition did tell me that.. probably why I resisted showing any sort of affection towards him.
Yep, hopefully I'll meet better people. I feel stupid for letting my emotions get the best of me... I didn't have to sulk out of disappointment. At the very least, I thought we were friends... I guess not.