How Can You Desire A Romantic Relationship But Not Want One?

I posted this story on The Experience Project website and no one responded so I'll try this site.

How can someone really not want what they greatly desire? Or am I just an idiot and lying to myself? These are two questions I frequently ask myself.

Throughout high school I've had several crushes on girls, some were friends, others were just classmates. During that time I had always told myself I don't want a romantic relationship no matter how much I thought about them. About 4 years ago I finally asked out and got rejected by a friend who I was absolutely crazy about. I really, really hated myself afterwards for giving in to what I said I would never do. In short, we're no longer friends because things between us became very awkward all because of me and how weird and somewhat annoying I became when I was around her. She doesn't know it (because I blatantly lied to her) but I took her rejection very, very hard. I was borderline suicidal and depressed for about 2 years.

I know it's all natural to desire intimacy but why can't I just be content with being independent? I've suppressed my romantic desires for so long now and I still find myself at a stalemate with them. I won't give in and I feel like I'm forever locked in this mental battle with myself with no hope of finding inner peace and contentment.

I've read several articles online that it is possible to be happy alone but in my opinion it's impossible for some people. It's so depressing that people (including my mother) say that the worst thing in the world for someone to go through is dying alone.

Is there anyone out there with the same or similar thoughts or someone who has managed to find some way to cope with their romantic desires rather than suppress them?

If not....can someone enlighten me as to what the fresia is wrong with me?

Essentially, I love having these desires but I hate the fact I don't want them and I don't believe I can reverse not wanting something.

Lynth--
Have you tried talking this through with a counselor? You need to look inside yourself and determine, 'why' you don't want to persue a close and intimate bond with someone, even though you do have the emotional desires that would pull you naturally in that direction. Has something happened to you in your past that may have triggered this response? This is a very delicate issue and if you are young and healthy then this could be an issue that may well be addressed with your regular physician. It's impossible for anyone to actually advise you. There could be many reasons for a person to feel this way. I can see where the rejection effected you deeply but we all face rejection in life, at one point or another. Are you very shy with all social or one-on-one exchanges? These are all issues that could play a part in this. I hope you find some answers.

I used to be the same way. I talked myself out of ever wanting to be in a romantic relationship. I told myself I was better off alone and I suppressed those feelings for years. But my heart wasn't fooled and eventually I fell in love. It's then that I realized that I actually do want a relationship and I'm not happy alone.

I've been through some rejections and have rejected others. It's painful and frustrating. But denying my need for a partner was even more painful and I feel better not lying to myself.

Lynth said:

How can someone really not want what they greatly desire?

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Its the pursuit of the ideal. Everyone is like this, and self delusion is the only way out.

I used to be like you. I wanted nothing to do with anyone romantically, even thought that was really the only thing that I really DID want.

Up until 23 I really fell in love a lot and got hurt a lot. A LOT. So I basically decided to just stop caring and the only way I could do that is if I stopped talking to people.

Ive always had to have sex, like, constantly, so being celibate was not possible for me. I just didnt return phone calls and frequented craigs list.

23-26 was quite nihilistic. BUT THIS HAS A HAPPY ENDING

I found someone that fell in love with ME this time, and ive been happy ever since.

So, what Im saying is, all you have to do is meet the right person and then you never have to worry about it again Just be patient Ive been married almost 4 years and Im happy as this emoticon

Nina said:

Lynth--
Have you tried talking this through with a counselor? You need to look inside yourself and determine, 'why' you don't want to persue a close and intimate bond with someone, even though you do have the emotional desires that would pull you naturally in that direction. Has something happened to you in your past that may have triggered this response? This is a very delicate issue and if you are young and healthy then this could be an issue that may well be addressed with your regular physician. It's impossible for anyone to actually advise you. There could be many reasons for a person to feel this way. I can see where the rejection effected you deeply but we all face rejection in life, at one point or another. Are you very shy with all social or one-on-one exchanges? These are all issues that could play a part in this. I hope you find some answers.

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No, I have not spoken to a counselor about this directly. Though, back when I was depressed I did talk a little bit about it to my counselor but didn't get into very many details. As for what might have triggered this response, I don't really know.

I've been like this since I was very young. Even when I hit puberty and my hormones were raging I still didn't want anything more than friendship.

Of course the rejection I got deeply affected me and it's one of the main reasons I still don't want to pursue a romantic relationship. I'm also not a shy person but I do have some social issues. The only friends I ever make are from work and when they leave I pretty much lose all contact with them.

I knew I would regret it if I asked a girl out but I ended up doing it anyway. I knew I would feel like complete honeysuckle if I got rejected but I ******* did it anyway even though the whole time I was asking her out, I was thinking to myself "I don't want to do this!"

So now my attitude towards romantic relationships is pretty much unchanged and I haven't learned anything from my first experience. I would rather be friends with someone and never tell them how I truly feel about them than to risk rejection. It's just not worth it because it's too painful and things between you and the person you asked out will never be the same again.

And as for the phrase "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"
fresia THAT! It's complete bullshit when it comes to relationships. At least it is for me.

I mean, why couldn't I have just been satisfied with what I had instead of risking ruining what I had?

I just turned 26 a few days ago and I'm still not content with my life and I don't know what I want or if I want.

From your last post, it sounds like you want a relationship.

I fool myself in this same way too, but I do it with all relationships, friendships and family relationships as well as romantic. I try to figure out ways I could handle it if I didn't have any of those things and be okay still. Because I am positive that I'm going to be hurt eventually in the end and I can't handle the rejection and I want to just know how to protect myself and be okay and not care!

Real relationships mean being vulnerable. Trust me about this. I get REALLY good sometimes at being numb towards others. This way they can't hurt me. When they say they hate me or are mad at me, I am able to respond to them in an indifferent sort of manner.

It's so crappy though. You feel horrible and mentally unstable because you're not actually letting anyone in and letting anyone get close to you. I get lonely when I do this too much because I have no real friends. Just a bunch of acquaintances I am indifferent towards. (Although I know you're talking about romantic relationships and not relationships in general.)

I'm not saying that people need relationships (romantic ones.) Some people do, but all people need companionship. It's a part of being human and also a part of being human means that the more you love someone, the more they can hurt you. Romantic relationships are some of the deepest kinds of love you can have for a person and there's no escaping that, even though you try to protect yourself from the hurt by pretending you don't want it.

You just keep talking about the "rejection" and that's what you are afraid of. That's why you keep suppressing it. I was going to ask you what it was that made you afraid to pursue relationships, but you answered my question in my opinion in your last post.

People who are actually content not having romantic relationships don't have to try to be content that way. They just already are. They are usually more upset by the fact that everyone INSISTS that they should desire to have a relationship, when they actually have no desire for one. And that's why I say it's what you really want.

Just know, that the more you risk in a relationship, the greater your reward can be. It's kind of like gambling, although you win more often in relationships than you do in gambling. But if you only risk a little, then when you win, you win not very much, but when you risk a lot, share yourself, really be vulnerable with the person and all that, then when you win, you get the jackpot. But of course that also means that when you don't hit the jackpot and risk a lot, you lose a whole lot, and that's what you are terrified of happening.

Yea, it's crappy, I agree. I hate it, too. I think we all hate it, but if you keep risking yourself over and over again, eventually you'll find someone who will love you that way forever too, but if you don't risk yourself ever, then you'll never find that person and always be unhappy. And trying to "protect" yourself from being rejected and alone, by guaranteeing you'll be rejected and alone (because you pursue no one.)

I'm sorry you were suicidal though when your last relationship ended. I know how that is. If my boyfriend broke-up with me (we've been together 5 years), I'm not going to lie, I'd get suicidal feelings too and I hope I'd make it through that. It's so scary to know that I need someone so much that I can't control and guarantee will be there for me forever.

Lynth,
Maybe try journaling every day for a couple of months. Put in it exactly what you feel in the moment you're writing and then take a separate page and ask your self how you could change what is going wrong in your world. Try not to blame anyone, try not to blame society or God or anything or anyone either.

Look at it as what small steps can you take to change just one thing. Then write that ONE thing you can change, in bigger, bolder letters on a different piece of paper, and at the next opportunity TRY to make that one change. It can be something very small, as long as it moves in a more positive direction. Try to keep this up for 1 month. Keep all the separate pieces of paper with the bolder print. Hang it up in sight or leave it laying on a visible surface. But look at them daily and keep trying to make some of the changes. Don't push yourself or make it a chore you avoid.

I know it sounds corny but sometimes we can program our own minds to move in a more positive direction by tapping into our own thoughts, writing it down and then trying to do some of the positive things.

I'm no New Age person or anything but I do know for a fact, a few folks that this system has really helped.

It can, at the very least start prompting you to consciously redirect your thought process towards something more hopeful.

I can't guarantee anything but it might be worth a try.

Enchanted Girl said:

People who are actually content not having romantic relationships don't have to try to be content that way. They just already are. They are usually more upset by the fact that everyone INSISTS that they should desire to have a relationship, when they actually have no desire for one. And that's why I say it's what you really want.

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I find it very hard to believe people like this exist. But if they do, I'm greatly envious of them. It must be nice for one to have their wants and desires correlate. It brings me to tears sometimes when I'm lying in bed at night thinking of how great it would be just to have a girl lying next time me that I could watch sleep while at the same time thinking to myself - I don't want that. There are indeed other things in this world that, I admit, would be really, really nice to have but I still don't want them. A romantic relationship seems to be one of them.

Enchanted Girl said:

Just know, that the more you risk in a relationship, the greater your reward can be. It's kind of like gambling, although you win more often in relationships than you do in gambling. But if you only risk a little, then when you win, you win not very much, but when you risk a lot, share yourself, really be vulnerable with the person and all that, then when you win, you get the jackpot. But of course that also means that when you don't hit the jackpot and risk a lot, you lose a whole lot, and that's what you are terrified of happening.

Yea, it's crappy, I agree. I hate it, too. I think we all hate it, but if you keep risking yourself over and over again, eventually you'll find someone who will love you that way forever too, but if you don't risk yourself ever, then you'll never find that person and always be unhappy. And trying to "protect" yourself from being rejected and alone, by guaranteeing you'll be rejected and alone (because you pursue no one.)

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I agree, relationships are like gambling and that's another thing I hate. Relationships fail because some people need practice which depresses the honeysuckle out of me. I mean, how can one not get depressed 3, 4, 5, etc relationships down the road that it's quite possible they messed up their 1st relationship because they didn't have enough experience. Is it still worth it to try again with their first love? In my opinion, it's just a stupid thing to consider.

Ultimately, I really think I don't have what it takes to maintain a close, intimate relationship and I know alot of people who are currently in a relationship thought that way at one time but I don't know how they got the nerve to just do it anyway. I wish I could tell myself I'm wrong and to just shut the fresia up and give it a try. But I hate the idea of doing something just because alot of other people found it to be the best thing they ever did.

And now that I think about it, that last sentence shows how messed up I am.