I started going to drop-in dance classes to meet people and improve on the masculine traits I was lacking. I heard it was a good way to learn how to lead and be more assertive, which I lacked as a typical nice guy. But man, I learned so much more. Fast forward a couple years, I have now done several classes of Salsa, Bachata, Tango, Ballroom, Cha Cha, Country Line Dancing, Swing, and Lindy Hop.
Here are some lessons I learned in being a man from these partner dances:
After a dance lesson, they had a “social dance”. For two hours, they had small snacks and soda. And a hundred old people gathered to dance together as a live band performed. The music was straight out of the 70s. It was the stereotypical stuff you heard in the movie Back to the Future. As I watched them dance, I learned so many lessons:
I was reminded that the modern world with its rap music, EDM, Dubstep, twerking, and grinding was a very new phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. For thousands of years, we danced in a more intricate and romantic way. Nowadays, a high school’s dance has evolved into one guy awkwardly grinding a girl’s booty (pretty much clothed sex) if you were so lucky and brave enough to ask a girl out and have her say yes. And it’s clear as day that no one there can dance at all.
It’s a bit of a tragedy. (Kind of cool too if you get to be one of those guys). It used to be a place of proper dance with the quality of a live band. As I listened to the singers sing, I was amazed at how sharp, clear, and on-key the melodies were. I love hip hop as much as the next guy, but there was something awesome about hearing a live band who knew what they were doing (that wasn’t just spitting out hard core rap). Speakers and iTunes can only go so far.
Although I would rather be alive today than any other time in history, I marveled at the fact that this was what was cool not long ago. I really got into some of the songs (by the Temptations and Elvis) and I could see how it was cool. At the same time, I could see how this was a bit whack and wondered if our generation would be the same way when we got old (most likely it will).
Here are some lessons I learned in being a man from these partner dances:
1. You Can Lead With Subtle Actions
You can tell the girl what you want to do with small movements. You don’t have to make big movements, get aggressive or forceful, or talk. A big myth about leading is that you have to use big, forceful movements — maybe in some forms of dance, but definitely not for Latin forms, like salsa and bachata. I learned that as a leader, your goal is to send a signal that the follower responds to. That’s it. To send the right signal, you don’t have to be pronounced. With a strong frame and rigid posture, just a small indication is often enough to tell her what you want.2. You Have To Be Clear and Decisive
If you aren’t clear and firm with what you want, the girl will get confused. In dancing, this applies to when you want her to turn and what turn you want her to do. In relationships, this applies to setting your own boundaries and doing stuff that interests you. Move with purpose. Walk straight towards the girl if that’s where you want to go. Take purposeful strides. Move with your chest. Move confidently. I’ve caused a girl to do the wrong thing and confused her numerous times by being unclear with my hand movements or not fully deciding in my mind what I want her to do in time and throwing out a movement that was half-hearted. I learned this especially in Argentinian Tango class. It is especially scary since this dance requires you walk into your partner as she walks backwards. This made me timid because I didn’t want to step on her feet but the dance requires confidence and trust. I was constantly scolded by my partner to be confident enough to take assertive steps forward with no fear.3. Leading is Essential. Leading Is Not Controlling.
When it comes to partner dancing, the girl has to follow your lead. Without your lead, she doesn’t know where to go or when to spin. You have to decide that. This almost symbolizes the male-female relationship. As a man, you have to make decisions, lead the women, and protect her from dangers. It’s ingrained in our DNA and culture. But leading is different from controlling. Leading is all about offering clear decisions of what to do. Throughout the whole process, there are micro-moments when the girl has the full power to reject your offers. You still have to approach her and ask for a dance, but she can reject your dance request. You can ask her to turn, but you are not forcing it upon her. It is a gentle, firm request that she has the choice to comply to. An East Coast Swing teacher told me to let the girl decide how close she gets to you and where she is comfortable. Simply lift your arms. You cannot decide for her or she’ll be uncomfortable. You lead by offering. She decides.4. Relax and Feel the Music
You’re not relaxed even if you think you are. When you’re anxious or scared of rejection, sometimes, it shows through in ways you didn’t detect. Consciously, I think I’m cool but my body says otherwise. Others see me as tensed up and my shoulders are hunched up. I’ve been told numerous times by girls to relax a bit when dancing. Take it less seriously and treat it less like baking a cake as if there’s specific steps for every part of the process you must follow. As I got better with dancing, I was told to stop counting the beats out and just feel the music. Whether it’s human courtship, male-to-female communication, or music, it’s more than just a logical, robotic process you follow. There’s emotion and intuitive feel to it.5. It Is Your Obligation to Lead
Many times during class, a woman has told me that I need to lead more. They want to be told what to do. As a nice guy, you may counter with, “But what about female equality?” Leading is not controlling or demanding. Leading is giving the girl the opportunity to follow and doing it in a clear, masculine way that she understands. You are asking through your body language. This is about becoming an attractive man with healthy relationships with women. You can still treat a woman with respect and see her as an equal even if you are leading her. This is about being less shy, manning up, and making bolder decisions. As far as body language goes, in Tango and Swing, I was told to lead with the chest. The chest is the most important part of leading.6. Variety Gives You More Experience and Skill
One instructor told me that it’s important to dance with multiple women when you’re starting out to learn how to lead. If you only practice with a single woman, she can naturally have the tendency to take over and lead for you. It’s important to date more than one girl before you marry to learn how to be the man in a relationship.After a dance lesson, they had a “social dance”. For two hours, they had small snacks and soda. And a hundred old people gathered to dance together as a live band performed. The music was straight out of the 70s. It was the stereotypical stuff you heard in the movie Back to the Future. As I watched them dance, I learned so many lessons:
I was reminded that the modern world with its rap music, EDM, Dubstep, twerking, and grinding was a very new phenomenon in the grand scheme of things. For thousands of years, we danced in a more intricate and romantic way. Nowadays, a high school’s dance has evolved into one guy awkwardly grinding a girl’s booty (pretty much clothed sex) if you were so lucky and brave enough to ask a girl out and have her say yes. And it’s clear as day that no one there can dance at all.
It’s a bit of a tragedy. (Kind of cool too if you get to be one of those guys). It used to be a place of proper dance with the quality of a live band. As I listened to the singers sing, I was amazed at how sharp, clear, and on-key the melodies were. I love hip hop as much as the next guy, but there was something awesome about hearing a live band who knew what they were doing (that wasn’t just spitting out hard core rap). Speakers and iTunes can only go so far.
Although I would rather be alive today than any other time in history, I marveled at the fact that this was what was cool not long ago. I really got into some of the songs (by the Temptations and Elvis) and I could see how it was cool. At the same time, I could see how this was a bit whack and wondered if our generation would be the same way when we got old (most likely it will).