Void

In two and half months I will be 31 years old. Left my Landscape Architecture master degree unfinished, without a single friend, no relationship, no job and don't have anything that I can actually call mine. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic sindrome, bipolar disorder and derealization disorder. Living with my parents and the only thing that keeps alive in my life is the ghost of everything I went by during my childhood and teenage years. All the physical and mental abuse. All the beatings. All the humiliations. This is real life.

During my childhood and teenager years I had too many people telling me how bright I was, dozens of teachers. But, during class break and at home... I was humiliated and beaten. They did so many things to me that they stayed like tatoos marked in my memory. I don't know who I am... don't know what I am... I feel like living in a dream, everything is unreal.

My sense of time is distorted and I can't coordinate my thoughts. I feel going insane. I am miserably unhappy. So many things I wanted to do and didn't do... so much I still wanted to live and didn't live... but slowly like a sand clock, they cut my breath to live. Human warmth... empathy... love... such strange words for me, scarse feelings in my live. I feel like an extra part in this world, like a a part filled with defects that doesn't fit.

There is no more music, no colour, no atractive shapes, no smiles or kisses or hugs or friendly words. Just stayed a cold, dark and silent void.

Antonio, my heart goes out to you. If you are open to it i would suggest soul retreival (shamanism rituals) You have all the symtoms of someone who has lost bits of yourself during the years. These parts of you that would make you feel whole and grounded are not gone, you just dont know they are there, or where they are.

if you do not choose shamanism, there are alot of other ways to heal. Watch for the signs, something will come up, a workshop, a book, etc

Good luck on your journey (i say that because i know you will not let this situation go on, you will do something about it, you will find your place)

Thank you, whispers. I've done what you suggested.

I lived for 3 months in south Colombia (from march to june of the current year) and did many shamanistic rituals, Ayuasca/Yagé among other things. There... I met this gorgeous woman and both felt in love by each other. With time... I had to come back to my country. We keep in contact and making plans to be with together again. But, with her poor income due to work in a third world country (she's sociologist)... I even worst am unemployed... and the total "I don't care" from my family... I just need to put in my head that it will never be possible to be together again with the person that was hable to make me feel right and loved.

With all my memories and that recent tremendous blow in my life... I can say that my thoughts and hope are far from good.

That is so sad, that you cant be with the one you love. BUt at least you know what it is to be loved, it is a wonderfull experience. That would be a major factor for your feeling lost. You know she is there but cant be with her.
sending positive thoughts to you, so you can find the way out.

Hello LoneKiller,

Thank you for your words. I take medication for my Bipolar Disorder and the insomnias. They don't help much or nothing at all, but I still take them with the hope I get better, among many other things I do during the day to lower my sense of helplessness and emptiness.

I hear where you are coming from, had some similar experiences and going through some of the similar feelings about life currently.

How come you didn't finish your degree ?

My passion for what I was studying was the only thing that got me through it, did you not have the same ?

Making it short... I "burned out" during my master.

I agree with Lonekiller, if your meds arent working for you , youmay want to tell your doctor. For me it took nearly a year of trial and error before they find the right kind and right dosage. It does make a world of difference when they work.

I'm switching meds for 12 years already. I've tried a lot of meds during that time and I never felt balanced or even near.

void rays are imba