Very lonely and depressed

Hey, I'm new on this forum. I felt like sharing my story, just to get it written somewhere and maybe someone can relate to it or at least parts of it, idk.

So... I'm in my early twenties and living alone ever since I moved out from home (which was roughly 2 years ago now). I don't have a lot of relatives near me, my father lives very far away and I rarely see him and the same goes for my sister. It's just my mum, grandmother and a cousin that lives somewhat close. While I do get together with them and talk on the phone, it's sporadic.

I don't have any real friends anymore or people I hang out with for that matter. I'm just in touch with one old friend who I grew up with and we meet one time a year tops as we live far. The rest is merely people I know from online, which I chat or sometimes talk with. Neither do I have a girlfriend or has ever had one for that matter, just been through a few short romances in the past. Most of my days are spent on studying or being at home. I don't attend the school campus in my area either as the education I'm taking is based in another city and most of it is done on distance from home.

Although I have lost some friends due to neglecting them on my part, a lot of people has simply disappeared over the years and I guess we were never that close anyway. There is however one big reason why I am so lonely today and why I am unable to find new friends or a girl. I suffer with BDD, body dysmorphic disorder. Briefly explained I hate parts of my appearance and I am generally uncomfortable around people. Especially so around the other gender. I also have some strong beliefs I can't get over, like that no one could possibly love me the way I look. This means everytime I have started to get close to someone it has gone wrong one way or another. I am very sensitive due to my low self esteem and I tend to quickly assume people don't want anything to do with me. Which makes me withdraw myself as well. It's not only that I think I look bad, based on some previous experiences it also seems like my personality is never enough and people get bored of me.

The fact that I have always felt very lonely and unloved throughout my life also means that I'm somewhat of an attention seeker. I am in no way extreme in that sense, I don't expect the world to circle around me and so on. But if I feel that people (whether it is friends or a possible romance interest) starts giving me a lot less attention, it also makes me think I'm worthless, that they prioritize other people before me and I step back and stop bothering with trying to keep it up with them. It is also unfortunate I have a hard time talking this through instead of acting like I do. But due to the way I think and reason, I can never explain this to them. What would I say? "I'm sorry but I feel like you are ignoring me cause you didn't talk to me for a few days while I know you were doing x and y with some other people". It would just sound weird and like I'm very needy (which I am though). Sometimes I do think people has actually been ignoring or neglecting me but I also know a lot of this probably only exists in my brain and isn't real.

Anyway, that's a little about me... I realize I probably come off as very weird to people on here too. And I am in some ways, definately. However I am also a very nice and loving person once you get to know me. I'm funny, caring, usually back and support people around me that matters to me and so on. Despite in some ways being very egoistic, I do care a lot about other people too and try to interest myself for their lives.

Right now I'm in a period where I absolutely hate how my life is and how lonely I am. It is terror to spend every day and every night on my own. Other periods I do pretty good on my own and feel like somewhat of a lone wolf that's fine with spending a lot of time on his own. But yeah, right now it's dreadful. I so much want to have some friends to hang out with and do fun stuff with. And I really want to find a girl to call my own, someone I know I matter a great deal too and someone I can give my very best to. But I just don't know if any of this is possible. I don't know if I can cope with getting all of that back due to my illness. And I don't know if a relationship could ever work out given how I am. Sooner or later, my true nature always show through though I am pretty good at keeping it hidden at first. Actually calling it my true nature feels wrong cause I didn't use to be like this before BDD and the lonliness happened but I guess it is how I am these days.

Welcome

I can relate to a lot of things you said, but I have no advice to give, because I still suffer from BDD and being to needy, and feeling lonely and unloved...

Coming to this site has helped me a lot though, and I hope you find help here as well.

Welcome to the forum.

Welcome , I'm so glad to see that you put good qualities about yourself too, Focus on those things build them up to the point where the bad are irrelevant. Its seems we always pay more attention to people who don't deserve us, lesson learned. Everyone is needy and the ones who aren't are so afraid of being needy their almost non exsistant lol I hope you find happiness and friends in the forum, maybe even LOVE . Good luck & Stay Positive!

Welcome. I can relate, I kept to myself most of my entire life and people came and left out of my life so quickly and all I wanted was a friend. You're definately in the right place, just keep posting here and I'm sure you'll meet people. Be glad your friendly and caring, there's not many nice people out there. So that's definately something to be proud of.

Hey Sorandom, welcome to the forum.

I can definitely empathise with the whole thing about worrying if people stop giving you attention. Unfortunately I can't really give much practical advice on that (I really wish I could). I do know it's a vicious circle and when you get your mind working it's easy to find ways to justify those fears.

The good thing is you seem to have pretty good insight. I think that's the first step towards being able to conquer it. You're self aware, which I think is a very underrated virtue.

You don't seem weird at all from what you've written - there are very few people who don't have worries like the ones you've written about; it's just, I suppose, a matter of scale. For better or worse you're with (generally) like-minded people here.

Like I say I'm sorry I can't give you much practical advise that won't come off as dismissive or platitudinous but I'm rooting for you. I hope you get what you're after

Thanks for all the replies! And for welcoming me to this forum

CherrySlushie91 said:

Welcome , I'm so glad to see that you put good qualities about yourself too, Focus on those things build them up to the point where the bad are irrelevant. Its seems we always pay more attention to people who don't deserve us, lesson learned. Everyone is needy and the ones who aren't are so afraid of being needy their almost non exsistant lol I hope you find happiness and friends in the forum, maybe even LOVE . Good luck & Stay Positive!

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Yes, I think I have always had some sort of... I don't know the word but some ground to stand on, a decent confidence. No matter how weak I might feel at times I still know there's good things about me too. The only problem is that the bad ones like my appearance makes it feel like it doesn't matter if I'm a decent person overall or not.

Milly said:

Hey Sorandom, welcome to the forum.

I can definitely empathise with the whole thing about worrying if people stop giving you attention. Unfortunately I can't really give much practical advice on that (I really wish I could). I do know it's a vicious circle and when you get your mind working it's easy to find ways to justify those fears.

The good thing is you seem to have pretty good insight. I think that's the first step towards being able to conquer it. You're self aware, which I think is a very underrated virtue.

You don't seem weird at all from what you've written - there are very few people who don't have worries like the ones you've written about; it's just, I suppose, a matter of scale. For better or worse you're with (generally) like-minded people here.

Like I say I'm sorry I can't give you much practical advise that won't come off as dismissive or platitudinous but I'm rooting for you. I hope you get what you're after

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Exactly. I mean it is indeed a vicious circle for me. It's like every now and then I simply don't care and focus on my own life but then comes a time when the lonliness gets to me and I try to socialize a little more, only to find that it rarely works out and then I feel extremely hurt and vulnerable and regret my own stupidity for thinking it could be different and then I go back to being lonely again.

These things about me are also things I came to realize lately. I haven't really been able to accept how I have changed as a result of my illness but now I can see the problems with the way I think and my behaviour more clearly.

Thanks anyway for replying, it makes a difference never the less

sorandom5454 said:

Exactly. I mean it is indeed a vicious circle for me. It's like every now and then I simply don't care and focus on my own life but then comes a time when the lonliness gets to me and I try to socialize a little more, only to find that it rarely works out and then I feel extremely hurt and vulnerable and regret my own stupidity for thinking it could be different and then I go back to being lonely again.

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I know how that feels. Pretty much my whole life I've gone friendless, and when I went to college, I tried speaking to some people and I could tell they were disinterested in speaking to me. There was this one girl who was in to video games (as am I), and we spoke online for a bit and she just dropped all communication. Which just goes back to one of your first points. You just feel like no one really has any interest in being a friend, and so eventually you just don't bother trying to make anything happen. At times it just seems like if you weren't friends since childhood, there's no room to ever making a connection (which I know isn't true, but I don't know the secret of getting around it). I don't know.

Hey Sorandom,

As you have seen already, lots of people share what you feel. I too would like you to know that lots of us are in a situation like yours.
I am in a place when once in a while I get the urge to be more social, to share something more with people, and then run into a brick wall that is my lack of social skills. I never seem to know how to be casual and 'normal' like all the people who effortlessly glide through conversation and pick up friends like I do socks in the morning.
I can talk comfortably about studies or something concrete and tangible, but when conversation turns to the real 'social' one, I suddenly feel out of place and lost. I start smiling too much, look like an idiot and can't wait to get away as far as possible.

Thus like yourself I really don't have any true friends garnered during my life (except for a few with whom I chat on skype, nothing more). I also never had a significant other and even managed to convince myself that I didn't need one. Well, everyone needs one. That's one of the most difficult parts. The other is about hiding one's true self. It's sad that we don't have the ability to be who we are openly and always fear for what we come across as. You have BDD, which I believe must feel awful. I have something different (not a disorder), but I also have to keep it bottled up. It just deepens the loneliness and makes everything so much worse.

And I especially feel your aversion to spending time alone during those hard moments. It really gets difficult to have no other person around, be unable to share your thoughts and just feel needed. It's difficult for us, and I really wish I had a solution.