Searching for happiness

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Feb 10, 2024
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South Africa
I have realized recently, that being lonely doesn't mean i need to be unhappy. Happiness and loneliness are not mutually exclusive. I have been in a relationship, and was unhappy. At one point I had a lot of money and I was still unhappy. The only taste of happiness I have ever tasted after all this searching, is in the moments that I make peace with who I am, moments where I accept myself, care for myself, times where I have my own back. There is pleasure in the care others show us, but that is not happiness. We live in a world where we have a very small sphere of control, which basically only encompasses ourselves (sometimes even barely). If in that place we don't allow ourselves to have peace, we are in for a bad time, because outside are not just colorful flowers, but wolves and snakes.

I feel the pain of loneliness, but at least in recent times I have not allowed it to rob me of my happiness, which originates within. No one can make us happy except ourselves, and that is only by being our own caring friends. I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm a bit of an a-hole. That Ive inherited my dad's anger and my moms over sensitivity. That not everyone will like me. That I am not special, and that I'm not entitled to anything. And it has been hard to process, but happiness sprouts out of such acceptances.

I know, this is not an answer for the pain of loneliness, but I have found light in this thinking. And I'm sure if I can love myself, I would be better able to love another, or to be good to those around me when I eventually make friends or find 'the one'. And just maybe that positivity shines through, and one becomes more attractive and approachable...who knows.

Love to all my lonely friends.
I don't know.

I think it's different for everyone.
I don't care for stoicism myself. I feel like it lets life, and society off the hook for being sh*tty.
If I had a lot of money, and/or were in a relationship, I would be a LOT happier than I am today. And without those things, I'm not really happy at all. Without those things, the best I can do is be drunk, and feel nothing at all, and want nothing except the next drink.

We might only have a small sphere of control over our lives, but that should mean that we should all understand just how big a factor luck is in life, and therefore, we should make life a lot less about blame and fault, unless someone did something intentionally hurtful.

The whole "you're not special, you're not entitled to anything" shtick is something I have a problem with. I feel like it's been pushed more and more ever since the mid-2010s or so, because it gets us to think that things getting worse, not better, is what's supposed to happen, and that we didn't really "deserve" the good times we had before - which is really convenient for people that don't want things to get better, because they benefit from it getting worse. It gets people to go back to thinking that life is supposed to suck, instead of to get better with time. I don't remember anyone ever saying that back in the '90s and '00s. Back then, I felt people really did expect the world to get better, easier, nicer. For things to work out, for life to just be normal. The feeling was that technology and modern compassionate thinking, was going to conquer and do away with misery. Misery was the past, in history books, when we didn't have the technology, knowledge, or understanding to know better. Sure, it might be harder for some than others, and it might take longer for some than others, but the idea was that it would happen eventually, because things were better now than they used to be, we evolved into a better way. I don't mean that we would all have 10 Lambos and a harem of supermodels - I mean that it would be possible for normal people to get to "good enough".

The whole "you're not special, you're not entitled to anything", to me, is something they use to beat you down. It absolves them of doing the right thing of using tech to alleviate scarcity, and gives them permission to keep breaking and looting everything, because hey, we're not entitled to anything - to me it's a way to sneak "might makes right" back into relevance, as well as "some people are better than others". It suggests that there are the "lucky people", and everyone else, and it was all predetermined at birth from the money and even more so the genetics you were born with. I personally don't care for that and think we already outgrew that and find it a shame the world has been degrading back into that, despite the tech, and despite us just knowing better as a species.

Also, I just think that the fact that we're all going to die someday, does in fact mean that we all do deserve at least a "good enough" life. The fact that life is going to end, I feel, should be payment enough.

Sorry, that was kind of a tangent, and might not be related to you personally. But that's just what it means to me.
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So on one hand I feel "gypped" that I didn't get to have the "American Dream" of a wife/kids/house/dog/whatever".
But on the other hand I am grateful I did not experience the "American Nightmare" of divorce/child support/alimony/loss of 50% net worth/etc..".

So...I dunno.
I really don't.
I long for what American Men had in the past.
But I dread what so many experience in the present.
I's not so bad.
2 or 3 Martinis before a Medium Rare Ribeye for dinner.
Or going out for a few tequilas and a dinner at the Mexican restaurant across the street.
Or a great 60 min massage with happy ending.
Things could be worse.
Way worse.
I may not be living my best life.
But it absolutely could be much, much worse.

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