I'll be 38 in a couple of months. I'm still a virgin. I have kissed, I have hugged, I have held hands, I even got the point of being on top of a woman but never penetrated (she asked me to stop).
Now about my life. I've been sexually abused by my uncle and other two guys, at different times, between the ages of 11 and 15. Horrible childhood.
Alcoholic father. Mother couldn't divorce because nowhere to go so we had to put up with father's shoutings and beatings for years, day in day out. Poverty. Cold rooms. No shower - heating water on the stove to wash ourselves. Clothes from the second hand shops. Severe dental issues.
Relationships with women: a few, but short-lived. Weeks to few months. A lot of things happened, but no sex.
I've had mainly jobs in retail. I've worked in a supermarket for 10 years, of which 4 years a fresh produce department manager. Weekends/days off mainly filled with porn, gambling and ordering take aways. For years and years. Very little socializing.
15 years of gambling. I'm done with it since the January 1st 2024.
20 years of porn addiction, but still fighting it. I've learned that running, fresh air and any type of physical sports help a lot.
10+ years of therapy with 3 different therapists. Mediocre all of them I'd say. The last one introduced me to a book club, which is golden. Great opportunity for me to get out of the house.
I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs.
The good things:
- I've run a half-marathon in 2hrs
- I've got a degree in English & German
- I've lost nearly 25 pounds in 2 years, with water fasting and running
- joined a book club (I love reading)
All in all, I would say I feel pretty normal most of the time. But the loneliness is killing me some days/nights... I guess it feels that way for an increasing number of people, even married ones. What is wrong with this day and age? There is so much abundance and opportunities, yet I was reading the other day that there are young people feeling so lonely that they hug the clothes in their wardrobe.
So the main thing that still pains me is how am I still a virgin?! For a long, long time I thought if I should pay some escort or wait some more. But life is so short, only this year I've been to two two funerals - one of my uncles (63) and mother of my brother's fiancee (54, cancer). So why not pay for it, get it done with. But then I'm thinking, what if I open another can of worms - some disease, another bad habit/addiction etc
I've tried dating sites, I try to put myself out there - dress nice, smell nice - but still no succes. Perhaps I'm not making enough money...
So what do you guys think? Should I pay for it or wait for true love ?
Or any other advice you have, would be greatly appreciated.
Now about my life. I've been sexually abused by my uncle and other two guys, at different times, between the ages of 11 and 15. Horrible childhood.
Alcoholic father. Mother couldn't divorce because nowhere to go so we had to put up with father's shoutings and beatings for years, day in day out. Poverty. Cold rooms. No shower - heating water on the stove to wash ourselves. Clothes from the second hand shops. Severe dental issues.
Relationships with women: a few, but short-lived. Weeks to few months. A lot of things happened, but no sex.
I've had mainly jobs in retail. I've worked in a supermarket for 10 years, of which 4 years a fresh produce department manager. Weekends/days off mainly filled with porn, gambling and ordering take aways. For years and years. Very little socializing.
15 years of gambling. I'm done with it since the January 1st 2024.
20 years of porn addiction, but still fighting it. I've learned that running, fresh air and any type of physical sports help a lot.
10+ years of therapy with 3 different therapists. Mediocre all of them I'd say. The last one introduced me to a book club, which is golden. Great opportunity for me to get out of the house.
I don't smoke, don't drink, don't do drugs.
The good things:
- I've run a half-marathon in 2hrs
- I've got a degree in English & German
- I've lost nearly 25 pounds in 2 years, with water fasting and running
- joined a book club (I love reading)
All in all, I would say I feel pretty normal most of the time. But the loneliness is killing me some days/nights... I guess it feels that way for an increasing number of people, even married ones. What is wrong with this day and age? There is so much abundance and opportunities, yet I was reading the other day that there are young people feeling so lonely that they hug the clothes in their wardrobe.
So the main thing that still pains me is how am I still a virgin?! For a long, long time I thought if I should pay some escort or wait some more. But life is so short, only this year I've been to two two funerals - one of my uncles (63) and mother of my brother's fiancee (54, cancer). So why not pay for it, get it done with. But then I'm thinking, what if I open another can of worms - some disease, another bad habit/addiction etc
I've tried dating sites, I try to put myself out there - dress nice, smell nice - but still no succes. Perhaps I'm not making enough money...
So what do you guys think? Should I pay for it or wait for true love ?
Or any other advice you have, would be greatly appreciated.