sorandom5454
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- Dec 5, 2012
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Hey, I'm new on this forum. I felt like sharing my story, just to get it written somewhere and maybe someone can relate to it or at least parts of it, idk.
So... I'm in my early twenties and living alone ever since I moved out from home (which was roughly 2 years ago now). I don't have a lot of relatives near me, my father lives very far away and I rarely see him and the same goes for my sister. It's just my mum, grandmother and a cousin that lives somewhat close. While I do get together with them and talk on the phone, it's sporadic.
I don't have any real friends anymore or people I hang out with for that matter. I'm just in touch with one old friend who I grew up with and we meet one time a year tops as we live far. The rest is merely people I know from online, which I chat or sometimes talk with. Neither do I have a girlfriend or has ever had one for that matter, just been through a few short romances in the past. Most of my days are spent on studying or being at home. I don't attend the school campus in my area either as the education I'm taking is based in another city and most of it is done on distance from home.
Although I have lost some friends due to neglecting them on my part, a lot of people has simply disappeared over the years and I guess we were never that close anyway. There is however one big reason why I am so lonely today and why I am unable to find new friends or a girl. I suffer with BDD, body dysmorphic disorder. Briefly explained I hate parts of my appearance and I am generally uncomfortable around people. Especially so around the other gender. I also have some strong beliefs I can't get over, like that no one could possibly love me the way I look. This means everytime I have started to get close to someone it has gone wrong one way or another. I am very sensitive due to my low self esteem and I tend to quickly assume people don't want anything to do with me. Which makes me withdraw myself as well. It's not only that I think I look bad, based on some previous experiences it also seems like my personality is never enough and people get bored of me.
The fact that I have always felt very lonely and unloved throughout my life also means that I'm somewhat of an attention seeker. I am in no way extreme in that sense, I don't expect the world to circle around me and so on. But if I feel that people (whether it is friends or a possible romance interest) starts giving me a lot less attention, it also makes me think I'm worthless, that they prioritize other people before me and I step back and stop bothering with trying to keep it up with them. It is also unfortunate I have a hard time talking this through instead of acting like I do. But due to the way I think and reason, I can never explain this to them. What would I say? "I'm sorry but I feel like you are ignoring me cause you didn't talk to me for a few days while I know you were doing x and y with some other people". It would just sound weird and like I'm very needy (which I am though). Sometimes I do think people has actually been ignoring or neglecting me but I also know a lot of this probably only exists in my brain and isn't real.
Anyway, that's a little about me... I realize I probably come off as very weird to people on here too. And I am in some ways, definately. However I am also a very nice and loving person once you get to know me. I'm funny, caring, usually back and support people around me that matters to me and so on. Despite in some ways being very egoistic, I do care a lot about other people too and try to interest myself for their lives.
Right now I'm in a period where I absolutely hate how my life is and how lonely I am. It is terror to spend every day and every night on my own. Other periods I do pretty good on my own and feel like somewhat of a lone wolf that's fine with spending a lot of time on his own. But yeah, right now it's dreadful. I so much want to have some friends to hang out with and do fun stuff with. And I really want to find a girl to call my own, someone I know I matter a great deal too and someone I can give my very best to. But I just don't know if any of this is possible. I don't know if I can cope with getting all of that back due to my illness. And I don't know if a relationship could ever work out given how I am. Sooner or later, my true nature always show through though I am pretty good at keeping it hidden at first. Actually calling it my true nature feels wrong cause I didn't use to be like this before BDD and the lonliness happened but I guess it is how I am these days.
So... I'm in my early twenties and living alone ever since I moved out from home (which was roughly 2 years ago now). I don't have a lot of relatives near me, my father lives very far away and I rarely see him and the same goes for my sister. It's just my mum, grandmother and a cousin that lives somewhat close. While I do get together with them and talk on the phone, it's sporadic.
I don't have any real friends anymore or people I hang out with for that matter. I'm just in touch with one old friend who I grew up with and we meet one time a year tops as we live far. The rest is merely people I know from online, which I chat or sometimes talk with. Neither do I have a girlfriend or has ever had one for that matter, just been through a few short romances in the past. Most of my days are spent on studying or being at home. I don't attend the school campus in my area either as the education I'm taking is based in another city and most of it is done on distance from home.
Although I have lost some friends due to neglecting them on my part, a lot of people has simply disappeared over the years and I guess we were never that close anyway. There is however one big reason why I am so lonely today and why I am unable to find new friends or a girl. I suffer with BDD, body dysmorphic disorder. Briefly explained I hate parts of my appearance and I am generally uncomfortable around people. Especially so around the other gender. I also have some strong beliefs I can't get over, like that no one could possibly love me the way I look. This means everytime I have started to get close to someone it has gone wrong one way or another. I am very sensitive due to my low self esteem and I tend to quickly assume people don't want anything to do with me. Which makes me withdraw myself as well. It's not only that I think I look bad, based on some previous experiences it also seems like my personality is never enough and people get bored of me.
The fact that I have always felt very lonely and unloved throughout my life also means that I'm somewhat of an attention seeker. I am in no way extreme in that sense, I don't expect the world to circle around me and so on. But if I feel that people (whether it is friends or a possible romance interest) starts giving me a lot less attention, it also makes me think I'm worthless, that they prioritize other people before me and I step back and stop bothering with trying to keep it up with them. It is also unfortunate I have a hard time talking this through instead of acting like I do. But due to the way I think and reason, I can never explain this to them. What would I say? "I'm sorry but I feel like you are ignoring me cause you didn't talk to me for a few days while I know you were doing x and y with some other people". It would just sound weird and like I'm very needy (which I am though). Sometimes I do think people has actually been ignoring or neglecting me but I also know a lot of this probably only exists in my brain and isn't real.
Anyway, that's a little about me... I realize I probably come off as very weird to people on here too. And I am in some ways, definately. However I am also a very nice and loving person once you get to know me. I'm funny, caring, usually back and support people around me that matters to me and so on. Despite in some ways being very egoistic, I do care a lot about other people too and try to interest myself for their lives.
Right now I'm in a period where I absolutely hate how my life is and how lonely I am. It is terror to spend every day and every night on my own. Other periods I do pretty good on my own and feel like somewhat of a lone wolf that's fine with spending a lot of time on his own. But yeah, right now it's dreadful. I so much want to have some friends to hang out with and do fun stuff with. And I really want to find a girl to call my own, someone I know I matter a great deal too and someone I can give my very best to. But I just don't know if any of this is possible. I don't know if I can cope with getting all of that back due to my illness. And I don't know if a relationship could ever work out given how I am. Sooner or later, my true nature always show through though I am pretty good at keeping it hidden at first. Actually calling it my true nature feels wrong cause I didn't use to be like this before BDD and the lonliness happened but I guess it is how I am these days.