Happiness.. seeking | Continuing like this is something ever going to change?

Warning : Long thread INC .


Let's start by saying that most days I feel pretty good as I think i’m making good progress towards normality but today I’ve reached an unprecedented peak of loneliness and depressive thoughts.

I don’t think I can take this anymore but I don’t think it is the time to kill myself as I value life a lot, (though not always it has intrinsic value, don’t feel like discussing it now).
As I have stated, I’m feeling so bad that I had to literally fill my brain with a continuous flow of sensory input to numb my senses through the computer but now that it is late at night and it is time to stop what I was doing and I’m not sleepy it hits me hard.
I have researched a lot into many aspects of life and into self improvement but despite all my knowledge in psychology and philosophy sometimes it seems as I’m not drawing any closer to enlightenment or any kind of positive life that is dependant on external factors as I have tried to be happy with small and internal factors which seems like I’m fooling myself although I must admit it may work if you let it (maybe placebo).

However when I my loneliness hits me hard it feels like everything was just a lie and even though I logically know that it is just my mental state affecting some of my reasoning it doesn’t make it any better.

On that note I’ve come to the conclusion that this life sucks and I’ve been doing all the wrong things thus far. Logically, I’m in a prestigious university taking a very good degree that most don’t get the chance to but to be honest it wasn’t my intention to ever to enhance my formal education any further as I absolutely despise the educational system for reasons I dare not talk about now.



In short, for all you lazy readers out there:
- I hate what I’m doing in regards to my education as I never wanted to go to college ( I don’t really care about it even though I understand that I will get a good job and pay if I finish it, I just figured that if I had to go to university I might as well join the best degree available to me)
- I have no social life no matter how you look at it even though I try my best at it I just end up in my room as soon as I leave class every day of the week.
- I’m not doing what I want as it is very risky to pursue what I truly love and might be wise to finish my degree first as a precaution ( but as I feel so demotivated by I believe those previous factors mentioned above, it gets really hard for me)


Lately I’ve been fantasizing about leaving my country and just going away, I’m sure I wouldn’t miss anything in my life (which I should add, makes me no happier) other than the stuff that makes life comfortable such as computer, internet, hot water and all the food I need and my mother.
I’m also sure that I can live without most of these things (except the essentials) and I wouldn’t have to since phone would fix my biggest issue. Life would be pretty tough as I’d have to live off minimum wage as a waiter or something like that to live in a new country and I know this and I’d probably still be pretty lonely and more tired because of work so of course, logically the best option is obvious.
As much as I can think and rethink logically at all my options it doesn’t matter as my symptoms will strike me in some other way, they never fail to.

I think from this point on whenever I’m feeling depressed as I’ve concluded that the forms of escapism, such as fantasizing about a new life, seem viable and instinctively like the better option so, because of the inevitability of this state, I think I’m going to use this opportunity to start blaming my circumstances on a conspiracy. I may even workout all the logical details that make it seem true, this way I’ll be able to escape this curse of self-blame and occupy my mind while I’m not doing some kind of activity.

I just hope I won’t truly believe it someday but that’s a risk I’ll take for relief.
Is it possible?



P.S : I’ve noted what triggered this state: I skipped the whole week’s classes which I believe made me not meet my minimum social quota and thus lead to this train wreck of a brain. The funny thing about it is that I was already feeling a little bad for unknown reasons which made me skip in the first place.


I would very much enjoy advice on this issue.

Wow.. I think I know how you feel but in a different context.

I was forced to take up a course of study that will lead to a certain job that was never an interest of mine and I never wanted to do. I was forced to reject a course of study I wanted to do and had passion in doing.

So after taking up what others wanted me to do (which entailed into a 9-year bond/contract), I thought I could then learn and try to embrace it slowly. I tried and at certain periods of my life I felt like I accomplished it, managed to embrace it and love doing what I do..... but then most of the time, I'd say 3/4 of the time, I feel depressed a lot because not only is the job stressful and I am unluckily overloaded due to lack of manpower in my department, I have to face a lot of challenging and disturbing people as well. I think the heavy stress has caused me my health and now I am just at the edge of giving it up... and I'm left with 1.5 years of the bond to clear.

I don't know what advice to give you.. but people told me that I've got a high tolerance and patience level that I could endure all that for such a long time and phew... believe me.. that is such a long time cos I'm still trying to get out of it. I keep pushing myself and keep reasoning myself with the things I do. Keep looking at what I can do once this is over as a form of motivation. I don't know how else you can get out of something like what we are going through but to just get through it.

Whatever it is, perhaps other members here might have better suggestions or advice. Mine is pretty much just to stay strong and keep thinking of what you want to achieve after this is over with, and just keep having faith that the day you can do what you want and not have to put up with all this, will come very soon. It is hard to stay positive and upbeat when you feel depressed about being stuck somewhere... but try. I really wish you all the best. *hugs*