This is going to be pretty long and probably depressing. I just want to get this off my chest and know if anyone has been through the same/how they dealt with it (tl;dr/my questions at the bottom):
My friends and I were making YouTube videos. We had a pretty big number of subscribers. I went away on holiday and returned to see our channel had some beautiful artwork on it. Naturally, I asked the guys about this. I was pulled into a conversation with the artist over the internet with my friend. He introduced me to her (thank God, I would never be able to do it myself). She had a beautiful voice. We threw around small talk. I went to sleep extremely happy. I knew I liked her.
The next day she drummed up conversation with me. I was so **** happy. We talked for about 10 hours about anything and everything. I just kept on falling for her. We moved to Skype eventually. She was beautiful. I knew I was extremely lucky, which made me think that there was no way she liked me, so I neglected to say. For 9 months. We kept talking for crazy long periods of time, even through an 8 hour time difference. That was the best conversation I have ever had. It was so enriching. She kept on dropping hints that she liked me but I missed all of them.
One day I tested my luck. I told her I liked her. Turns out she had felt the same as me since the first time we spoke. She was on the verge of giving up when I told her. It was the best day of my life. We kept talking. She started to draw pictures of us together. It was so unrealistically romantic I was sure I was in a film. She made me so happy. I was saving up for a plane ticket to go visit her. Everything was looking up. Then depression hit.
I do not know what happened. I became lost, scared, suicidal, everything. Our conversations always broke down to me and my depression. It was killing our relationship though I was blissfully unaware. I became paranoid that when she would go out she would be off with other guys. This continued for maybe 4 months. Then one day it all died.
I was still so in love with her. She tells me she had stopped loving me a while ago. She tells me how much she is hurting. She tells me she had cried herself to sleep most nights. And I finally realized what I had done. For the last 4 months I had been psychologically abusing her and making her life hell whilst I was entirely fixated on my own depression and was ignoring everything else. The guilt was (and still is) unbearable. I broke down. No amount of truthful apologies and sadness on my part could fix it.
We struck a deal. I would stop talking to her for a week (consider the 5 hours a day conversations this was killer) and I would change. She would see if she could trust me again in that time. The week was horrible. Every day hurt. I was cold and so alone. I realized what I had to be grateful for. I felt I genuinely changed. But it was too late. She had been talking to another guy for months and, in that week, she had fallen for him. I died.
Skip forward a year and a half. They are still together. I am still alone and still hurt, still miss everything, still remember every detail of her face and voice and everything. I think I still love her, but I don't know. I don't really know anything anymore. In the 1 and 1/2 years there were periods of ~4 months no talking. It hurt as much as it used to. Just recently I started speaking to her again. I send paragraphs, she sends single words. I'm stuck. The most beautiful thing I've ever known to exist is gone. It kills me every day. I don't know if I'm obsessed or I'm just still recovering. It ******* hurts.
Tl;dr: I was in a relationship. It was perfection, felt like I was in a film. Depression came along. It messed it up. She told me to come back when I changed. I changed. She had already moved on. This was a year and a half ago. I can't help but want to talk to her. She is still all I can think about. I still think she's amazing. She hardly talks to me when I speak to her lots. What do I do?
Questions:
Whether you read the long version or the tl;dr I appreciate it.
-Has anyone been in a similar situation to this where depression broke a relationship? I'm sure it can't just be me
-If yes, how did you deal with it? How did you move on?
-Is there anyway to make sure I won't do this kind of thing again?
-Is it normal to still hurt after this amount of time?
-Am I being unnecessarily negative and overreacting?
Any kind of input would be great because I've been stuck in this loop for a while now and I'd really love to get out.
Here's a picture of some art she made for us: http://puu.sh/6bemr.jpg
There is literally 50 more. She also made me audiobooks for when I was away. I lost something great.
My friends and I were making YouTube videos. We had a pretty big number of subscribers. I went away on holiday and returned to see our channel had some beautiful artwork on it. Naturally, I asked the guys about this. I was pulled into a conversation with the artist over the internet with my friend. He introduced me to her (thank God, I would never be able to do it myself). She had a beautiful voice. We threw around small talk. I went to sleep extremely happy. I knew I liked her.
The next day she drummed up conversation with me. I was so **** happy. We talked for about 10 hours about anything and everything. I just kept on falling for her. We moved to Skype eventually. She was beautiful. I knew I was extremely lucky, which made me think that there was no way she liked me, so I neglected to say. For 9 months. We kept talking for crazy long periods of time, even through an 8 hour time difference. That was the best conversation I have ever had. It was so enriching. She kept on dropping hints that she liked me but I missed all of them.
One day I tested my luck. I told her I liked her. Turns out she had felt the same as me since the first time we spoke. She was on the verge of giving up when I told her. It was the best day of my life. We kept talking. She started to draw pictures of us together. It was so unrealistically romantic I was sure I was in a film. She made me so happy. I was saving up for a plane ticket to go visit her. Everything was looking up. Then depression hit.
I do not know what happened. I became lost, scared, suicidal, everything. Our conversations always broke down to me and my depression. It was killing our relationship though I was blissfully unaware. I became paranoid that when she would go out she would be off with other guys. This continued for maybe 4 months. Then one day it all died.
I was still so in love with her. She tells me she had stopped loving me a while ago. She tells me how much she is hurting. She tells me she had cried herself to sleep most nights. And I finally realized what I had done. For the last 4 months I had been psychologically abusing her and making her life hell whilst I was entirely fixated on my own depression and was ignoring everything else. The guilt was (and still is) unbearable. I broke down. No amount of truthful apologies and sadness on my part could fix it.
We struck a deal. I would stop talking to her for a week (consider the 5 hours a day conversations this was killer) and I would change. She would see if she could trust me again in that time. The week was horrible. Every day hurt. I was cold and so alone. I realized what I had to be grateful for. I felt I genuinely changed. But it was too late. She had been talking to another guy for months and, in that week, she had fallen for him. I died.
Skip forward a year and a half. They are still together. I am still alone and still hurt, still miss everything, still remember every detail of her face and voice and everything. I think I still love her, but I don't know. I don't really know anything anymore. In the 1 and 1/2 years there were periods of ~4 months no talking. It hurt as much as it used to. Just recently I started speaking to her again. I send paragraphs, she sends single words. I'm stuck. The most beautiful thing I've ever known to exist is gone. It kills me every day. I don't know if I'm obsessed or I'm just still recovering. It ******* hurts.
Tl;dr: I was in a relationship. It was perfection, felt like I was in a film. Depression came along. It messed it up. She told me to come back when I changed. I changed. She had already moved on. This was a year and a half ago. I can't help but want to talk to her. She is still all I can think about. I still think she's amazing. She hardly talks to me when I speak to her lots. What do I do?
Questions:
Whether you read the long version or the tl;dr I appreciate it.
-Has anyone been in a similar situation to this where depression broke a relationship? I'm sure it can't just be me
-If yes, how did you deal with it? How did you move on?
-Is there anyway to make sure I won't do this kind of thing again?
-Is it normal to still hurt after this amount of time?
-Am I being unnecessarily negative and overreacting?
Any kind of input would be great because I've been stuck in this loop for a while now and I'd really love to get out.
Here's a picture of some art she made for us: http://puu.sh/6bemr.jpg
There is literally 50 more. She also made me audiobooks for when I was away. I lost something great.