Forever Misanthrope
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You know, I'm making sufficient (not yet big, but sufficient) moves in my narcissistic journey of the self (growth, reliance, skills, etc). I'm not a religious sort since I can't believe in a fairy tale with only speculative abstract questions as suggestive proof (yes Christians, I'm talking to you), and I don't do dogma or follow crowds. Never have; never will. Leading is my thing. Not a shot on followers, as leaders couldn't be leaders if we had no one to follow us. But I digress.
Big moves. Not big enough if you ask me, but hey, they're there. Like I said, I'm not a fan of religion, but I do believe in an incorporeal (ethereal) aspect to what it means to be alive. There isn't any way I'd entertain the thought of there being mysteries to solve about the "living condition". Humans can't agree on how much of their brain they use, or if race is a thing, or where they came from. So putting faith in a species that thinks The Bachelor is a real programme isn't a wise move, I reckon.
Religions do interest me, and I would like to read the major books sometime and see if there isn't anything to learn from them. Even Christianity. I'm looking into Buddhism and I'm diggin' the whole "peace on world" thing. I've been meaning to become a bit more peaceful, to sort of minimise my darker side(s). Not to get rid of them entirely, because they got me through some thangz, let me just say. I could never honeysuckle on their part in my life by abolishing them. They are apart of me, and me them. But to grow and become perfect, I need to switch it up. Like new Nikes or Jordans. Keep the spiritual swag on high. Knawmeen? No?
Skipping to the point. I remember watching a video a while ago about happiness. The scientist conducting the experiment told the lab rats to think of people that did something for them in some way, and to thank them. Assuming it was legitimate, it worked. Some had the waterworks going on, others would sit back and smile or laugh. "Hm", I thought. "Let me try that."
I could make this post a novel by explaining how some of my first experiences went (spoiler alert: not so well), but we'll fast-forward to Tuesday, March 26th.
I'm on a chat site when I recognise a name. "No, it can't be", I said. Not a big, dramatic deal, but if you knew the circumstances you'd be aware of how unlikely it is/was for this person to be on this website. So I contact them, and learn it's someone from my past. This "someone" is Ayla. When I met her I thought she was someone else. Felt dumb when she turned out to be . . . not them? Ack, words. They hurt my brain.
I know you hear the "they were different" line often, but she really was different. This person, while not without faults, intrigued me. No affinity for tattoos, body magnets or anything typical like hair dye. Typed properly, which is actually getting rarer and rarer these days. Spoke well (via phone). On top of it, had a personality. The kicker is that I didn't think we'd connect, which is strange, given that I think about everything. I didn't see it coming, and that's what made whole thing even more "pimp", as the kids say now.
Fast-forward some. By now we've spoken on phone and it's become routine for us to do so every night. We've confided in each other, shared secrets, said things we shouldn't have. We're talking on Skype on night and we end up arguing. It began with a strange comment that snowballed. Looking back, I didn't help the situation, but I didn't cause things to go sour, either. I'd say she did with the out-of-nowhere remark, which, if you were informed, would sound/look funny to your ears/eyes as well. So we ended up parting ways. After some time I tried to reach out. Got a couple of texts, then ignored. Time passes, I do the same thing again. Similar results. This went on for a while. Come to find out, her fellah says she can't talk to or text any male (or male-type, as I'm genderless) other than himself. I respect that she complies with his demands.
But, you know, what we had was special, and while I was in no way romantically or sexually motivated (I don't date or fresia), I cared for her on a deeply platonic level. This is someone that, uh, "injured" herself if you catch my drift. I told her that bodily harm isn't a good thing. She said she'd stop if I watched her do it, so I did that. On Skype cam. I watched her harm herself. I listened to her past and present issues. Her struggles with depression, and, having had the same struggles myself, found ground that was more common to stand on with her. During 2012, my depression was serious. We don't mean "I don't want to go out". I'm talkin' 'bout, "I don't want to shower or even leave the bed." I'm BIG on hygiene and activity, so for me to shun both of those is a big deal. You may think I'm talking honeysuckle now, but you would NOT have wanted to be in my room then. Believe that.
So that's all the stuff about our dynamic. I knew things about her. The moron she gave her v-card to; the dad she created in her head for incestuous fantasies; the depression; the fact that she didn't wash her hands which I explained was gross, and that we wouldn't be hugging if we met in real life. I told you she had faults. I saw the girl slash herself on cam. There were so many things we were learning about each other, and me being a misanthrope and giving a **** about someone? Impossible.
There is one more thing: The lack of a v-card. You know I'm not sexual or romantic, but . . . I guess I'm weird like that. I guess because virgins are less judgemental? I don't know. Only female I gave a **** about that lacked a v-card. Ever. In life. No joke.
Now I can move on. We began conversing and I said, "I think I know who you are", to which she replied, "Go ahead and guess." I guessed (correctly) and informed her of who I was. She said she had a hunch. Then I had to tell her about herself. I ain't gon' lie; I went off on her like a muh'. After about twenty minutes of truth-spitting, I stopped, asked myself what the hell I was doing, and changed my approach. Here is where I skip to the point of this thread.
I had to say what I said to her because it is how I felt. I'm not one to get caught up in my emotions, so I knew I meant what I said (not that "heat of the moment" tripe humans try to pull off). But being angry wasn't getting me anywhere. I was only hurting myself by putting stress and load on my mind and body. I switched it up. I didn't even remember the video; I just reminded myself that it was 2014, and that this year would be different -- that I would be different. I was going to go forward and move towards perfection. Living life in God Mode. So rather than show her contempt, I showed her gratitude.
"Doesn't that mean thankful? What did you thank her for?"
I thanked her for giving me some positive memories. For the late-night phone conversations. For trusting me enough to go on cam. For trusting me with her secrets. For confiding in me with things her family doesn't even know about. For blowing me cute little kisses. For laughing at my jokes (when they were actually good, which is all the time). For being different. For not teasing me for certain things. For giving me a chance when she knew I was a misanthrope. For the "I love you"s. For making me feel like I mattered to someone and made a difference in their life. For showing me that I just might have my people out there waiting for me after all. For giving me a wonderful friend that I'm not ashamed to say I cared for deeply. Moreso than anyone I've met prior. Though things are damaged beyond repair now, she'll always be that sixteen year old with the lovely green eyes and a wit that can keep up with the sharpest of today's generation (today's, not yesterday's which is mine).
"Do you feel better?" she asked.
"Yes. I do."
Don't get it twisted. I'm not saying thank the mailman for delivering your bills every day, or the deli guy for chopping up tonight's dinner. I'm saying that it may lift your spirits if you give credit where it is due. A teacher that actually did their job properly while you were in school? Why not thank them? A parent that put you up when you were down and out? Let 'em know how you feel. A friend that often goes out on a limb for you without expecting a thing in return? Buy them a beer! Here on ALL, we're from all walks of life with similar and differing experiences. The commonality is that they're mostly negative. Well, here is something positive. If you have no one to thank, thank yourself. For always being on your side, and getting you to where you are today. I just wanted to share this because it worked for me, and it'll hopefully work for you too!
I'm Forever Misanthrope. Thank you for reading that! I'm sorry it's so long but I have words. Words . . . that must be said! For the glory! Feel free to ask follow-up questions or donate your two cents/pence to this conversation.
Never Doing This Again,
- FM
Big moves. Not big enough if you ask me, but hey, they're there. Like I said, I'm not a fan of religion, but I do believe in an incorporeal (ethereal) aspect to what it means to be alive. There isn't any way I'd entertain the thought of there being mysteries to solve about the "living condition". Humans can't agree on how much of their brain they use, or if race is a thing, or where they came from. So putting faith in a species that thinks The Bachelor is a real programme isn't a wise move, I reckon.
Religions do interest me, and I would like to read the major books sometime and see if there isn't anything to learn from them. Even Christianity. I'm looking into Buddhism and I'm diggin' the whole "peace on world" thing. I've been meaning to become a bit more peaceful, to sort of minimise my darker side(s). Not to get rid of them entirely, because they got me through some thangz, let me just say. I could never honeysuckle on their part in my life by abolishing them. They are apart of me, and me them. But to grow and become perfect, I need to switch it up. Like new Nikes or Jordans. Keep the spiritual swag on high. Knawmeen? No?
Skipping to the point. I remember watching a video a while ago about happiness. The scientist conducting the experiment told the lab rats to think of people that did something for them in some way, and to thank them. Assuming it was legitimate, it worked. Some had the waterworks going on, others would sit back and smile or laugh. "Hm", I thought. "Let me try that."
I could make this post a novel by explaining how some of my first experiences went (spoiler alert: not so well), but we'll fast-forward to Tuesday, March 26th.
I'm on a chat site when I recognise a name. "No, it can't be", I said. Not a big, dramatic deal, but if you knew the circumstances you'd be aware of how unlikely it is/was for this person to be on this website. So I contact them, and learn it's someone from my past. This "someone" is Ayla. When I met her I thought she was someone else. Felt dumb when she turned out to be . . . not them? Ack, words. They hurt my brain.
I know you hear the "they were different" line often, but she really was different. This person, while not without faults, intrigued me. No affinity for tattoos, body magnets or anything typical like hair dye. Typed properly, which is actually getting rarer and rarer these days. Spoke well (via phone). On top of it, had a personality. The kicker is that I didn't think we'd connect, which is strange, given that I think about everything. I didn't see it coming, and that's what made whole thing even more "pimp", as the kids say now.
Fast-forward some. By now we've spoken on phone and it's become routine for us to do so every night. We've confided in each other, shared secrets, said things we shouldn't have. We're talking on Skype on night and we end up arguing. It began with a strange comment that snowballed. Looking back, I didn't help the situation, but I didn't cause things to go sour, either. I'd say she did with the out-of-nowhere remark, which, if you were informed, would sound/look funny to your ears/eyes as well. So we ended up parting ways. After some time I tried to reach out. Got a couple of texts, then ignored. Time passes, I do the same thing again. Similar results. This went on for a while. Come to find out, her fellah says she can't talk to or text any male (or male-type, as I'm genderless) other than himself. I respect that she complies with his demands.
But, you know, what we had was special, and while I was in no way romantically or sexually motivated (I don't date or fresia), I cared for her on a deeply platonic level. This is someone that, uh, "injured" herself if you catch my drift. I told her that bodily harm isn't a good thing. She said she'd stop if I watched her do it, so I did that. On Skype cam. I watched her harm herself. I listened to her past and present issues. Her struggles with depression, and, having had the same struggles myself, found ground that was more common to stand on with her. During 2012, my depression was serious. We don't mean "I don't want to go out". I'm talkin' 'bout, "I don't want to shower or even leave the bed." I'm BIG on hygiene and activity, so for me to shun both of those is a big deal. You may think I'm talking honeysuckle now, but you would NOT have wanted to be in my room then. Believe that.
So that's all the stuff about our dynamic. I knew things about her. The moron she gave her v-card to; the dad she created in her head for incestuous fantasies; the depression; the fact that she didn't wash her hands which I explained was gross, and that we wouldn't be hugging if we met in real life. I told you she had faults. I saw the girl slash herself on cam. There were so many things we were learning about each other, and me being a misanthrope and giving a **** about someone? Impossible.
There is one more thing: The lack of a v-card. You know I'm not sexual or romantic, but . . . I guess I'm weird like that. I guess because virgins are less judgemental? I don't know. Only female I gave a **** about that lacked a v-card. Ever. In life. No joke.
Now I can move on. We began conversing and I said, "I think I know who you are", to which she replied, "Go ahead and guess." I guessed (correctly) and informed her of who I was. She said she had a hunch. Then I had to tell her about herself. I ain't gon' lie; I went off on her like a muh'. After about twenty minutes of truth-spitting, I stopped, asked myself what the hell I was doing, and changed my approach. Here is where I skip to the point of this thread.
I had to say what I said to her because it is how I felt. I'm not one to get caught up in my emotions, so I knew I meant what I said (not that "heat of the moment" tripe humans try to pull off). But being angry wasn't getting me anywhere. I was only hurting myself by putting stress and load on my mind and body. I switched it up. I didn't even remember the video; I just reminded myself that it was 2014, and that this year would be different -- that I would be different. I was going to go forward and move towards perfection. Living life in God Mode. So rather than show her contempt, I showed her gratitude.
"Doesn't that mean thankful? What did you thank her for?"
I thanked her for giving me some positive memories. For the late-night phone conversations. For trusting me enough to go on cam. For trusting me with her secrets. For confiding in me with things her family doesn't even know about. For blowing me cute little kisses. For laughing at my jokes (when they were actually good, which is all the time). For being different. For not teasing me for certain things. For giving me a chance when she knew I was a misanthrope. For the "I love you"s. For making me feel like I mattered to someone and made a difference in their life. For showing me that I just might have my people out there waiting for me after all. For giving me a wonderful friend that I'm not ashamed to say I cared for deeply. Moreso than anyone I've met prior. Though things are damaged beyond repair now, she'll always be that sixteen year old with the lovely green eyes and a wit that can keep up with the sharpest of today's generation (today's, not yesterday's which is mine).
"Do you feel better?" she asked.
"Yes. I do."
Don't get it twisted. I'm not saying thank the mailman for delivering your bills every day, or the deli guy for chopping up tonight's dinner. I'm saying that it may lift your spirits if you give credit where it is due. A teacher that actually did their job properly while you were in school? Why not thank them? A parent that put you up when you were down and out? Let 'em know how you feel. A friend that often goes out on a limb for you without expecting a thing in return? Buy them a beer! Here on ALL, we're from all walks of life with similar and differing experiences. The commonality is that they're mostly negative. Well, here is something positive. If you have no one to thank, thank yourself. For always being on your side, and getting you to where you are today. I just wanted to share this because it worked for me, and it'll hopefully work for you too!
I'm Forever Misanthrope. Thank you for reading that! I'm sorry it's so long but I have words. Words . . . that must be said! For the glory! Feel free to ask follow-up questions or donate your two cents/pence to this conversation.
Never Doing This Again,
- FM
