Quick Advice Needed

I made a deal with a friend of mine to get some things in our lives done. We set out to motivate each other through texting reminders. If we both succeeded in our goals, we were to see a "reward movie," something we both wanted to watch. If we failed, we would see a movie neither of us wanted to watch. FYI: The reward film is "Boyhood," and the prize for "failing" is the newest "Transformers" film.

Since we started, my friend invited a mutual buddy of ours to see the reward film, partly as an extra incentive to get our honeysuckle together. I have no idea if our mutual buddy knows anything about this movie being our reward for a job well done.

Well, today I realized that I would not be able to complete my goals by the deadline, so had I earned the "failure" film. I texted my friend that I cannot earn the reward. She texted back that she missed one of her goals, so she did not earn it either, but since she had invited our friend to come with us to see the reward film, it would "be rude to cancel on him."

Since I did not make this deal with him, I didn't think it was my problem. I told her to go ahead and see the reward film since she already made plans to see it with him, and I'll go and see the other film myself. She said, "I'm not going to see Boyhood with him alone." That's her roundabout way of saying that I had to see the reward film with them.

The thing is, I feel like honeysuckle. I set a goal for Wednesday and I failed. I got some stuff done, but not everything, and only "everything" earned the reward. But now, my friend is essentially telling me that I have to see the reward film now no matter what. What is the good of having a reward if you intend to enjoy the reward regardless of success or failure?

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So what do I do?

Do I tell her, "Sorry. You made the deal with your friend, so you need to go. I can't see the movie because I did not earn it?"

Or, do I tell her "Okay. I'll be there," even though neither of us earned this?

I honestly feel horrible right now and I'm not going to enjoy watching this movie because I'm in a down mood. I also feel like she is dismissing our agreement as "inconvenient" because she chose to invite a third person into this.

Can you guys give me a better perspective on this? I'd appreciate it.

TL-DR: Failed to complete agreed tasks, but friend wants me to claim reward for completion anyway, making me hesitate. Am I an idiot?

Holy honeysuckle, you're way too overthinking this. Go, enjoy yourself, forget this crazy deal you guys made. Having fun isn't about deadlines, it's about having fun.

WildernessWildChild said:

Holy honeysuckle, you're way too overthinking this. Go, enjoy yourself, forget this crazy deal you guys made. Having fun isn't about deadlines, it's about having fun.

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Am I overthinking it? Most likely. But I treat these agreements seriously. I'm also equating this to the employee who thinks he deserves a raise for just showing up, not for the quality of his work.

I agree that you are overthinking it as well. You are doing well to be setting goals and to be working towards them. Maybe it is time to cut yourself a little slack and go and enjoy the film.

Case said:

WildernessWildChild said:

Holy honeysuckle, you're way too overthinking this. Go, enjoy yourself, forget this crazy deal you guys made. Having fun isn't about deadlines, it's about having fun.

Click to expand...

Am I overthinking it? Most likely. But I treat these agreements seriously. I'm also equating this to the employee who thinks he deserves a raise for just showing up, not for the quality of his work.

Click to expand...

As I said previously, way overthinking things....

WildernessWildChild said:

Case said:

WildernessWildChild said:

Holy honeysuckle, you're way too overthinking this. Go, enjoy yourself, forget this crazy deal you guys made. Having fun isn't about deadlines, it's about having fun.

Click to expand...

Am I overthinking it? Most likely. But I treat these agreements seriously. I'm also equating this to the employee who thinks he deserves a raise for just showing up, not for the quality of his work.

Click to expand...

As I said previously, way overthinking things....

Click to expand...

I agree that you are overthinking things. HOWEVER, I think, if you feel you don't deserve to see the movie, based on an agreement you made, not only with your friend, but also yourself, that you shouldn't go see it.

Now, let me ask you this....Did you try your hardest on your goals? Did you just give up when you realized you wouldn't be able to reach said goals?
If you tried our hardest and you didn't give up, I would skip Transformers and go see another movie you want to watch, but not Boyhood.

I agree with those above, and here's the deal to make you feel better, as you will be seeing he reward film you must now agree you will continue and complete your goals / tasks. No specific timescale, but in a realistic timeframe.

There. Now you can enjoy the film in good conscience.

Perhaps you shouldn't be working within such a strict reward/punishment system?

If you're trying to accomplish a set number of goals on a weekly deadline, without any kind of wiggle room, you're going to be watching a lot of terrible films over the next few months.

Yeah, you're overthinking it.

First of all, I'd like to say I'm impressed... Someone once told me when I was younger, "If I can't trust you with something as little as a dollar, how do you expect me to trust you with something as big as a million dollars?"... The fact that you feel shitty as you do about "breaking your own code of ethics" tells me little about your conviction... On to the subject on hand... I do agree with others in saying that you might be over-thinking this a bit given the nature of the agreement... That's not to say it didn't mean anything but it seems to me that the purpose of that "deal" was motivational deal... It has gotten you to do things, though not in timely manner in a strictest sense... It has gotten you to accomplish few things & you were on your way to finish the rest... How about this... Tell her if you guys do go see this movie, then you guys will both help each other see that the rest of the tasks are done no matter what... Though you guys didn't get to finish them in time, you're still finishing tasks you guys are set out to finish... You guys still can use this "movie deal" as a motivational tool, as it was meant to be...

Wow. Six responses use the word "over-thinking." Story of my life, right there. - This is something I am well aware of, to the point where I started a thread about it almost two months ago HERE:

Yes, I over-think. But how does this knowledge solve my present problem?

The negative emotion isn't based on over-thinking. It's based on failing to complete an agreed set of goals, AND the fact that I seek to honor my agreements. ("Here. Accept this Olympic gold medal even though the world knows you finished last!" Uhhhh, no.)

If anything, the over-thinking is caused by the conflict my friend created when she invited another person to see the reward film with us. Asking me to see a film as a reward for something I did not earn does not sit well with me. I can't expect everyone to understand. But when I make a promise, I bloody well keep it unless something extraordinary prevents it. It's part of my integrity. I realize that some people might think that this is trivial, but a promise is a promise, and that's anything but trivial to me.

I've decided to see the film, but the problem for me now is how to stop feeling like I'm being rewarded for failure. I like the idea of continuing to finish these tasks, and to "earn" the film after the fact. This will probably help me feel better about it the most.

I contacted my friend and said I'd see the movie. She told me she hoped I wasn't too upset at her for complicating our agreement. And, to be honest, if she hadn't invited the third person into this, there wouldn't be any over-thinking at all. But, I'm not upset over her inviting the friend. Any upset feelings have only been directed inward. Hopefully, they'll pass by tomorrow.

Before I begin, there are a lot of comments saying that I am over-thinking this. I know I over-think. It's very much a part of me. I even made a thread about it. I started this thread because I needed to make a quick decision, and I was having a moral quandary. This, I feel, is less about over-thinking, and more about the seriousness with which I take my promises. With that in mind...

WildernessWildChild said:

As I said previously, way overthinking things....

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I'm not sure if you understand it from where I stand, but that's okay. We're just two different people. The "fun" was contingent upon us completing the goals. I wasn't about to happily dismiss our agreement without some serious contemplation. I realize others find it easier to drop their promises to people, but I can't do that, and I consider that a positive part of my personality.

Tiina63 said:

Maybe it is time to cut yourself a little slack and go and enjoy the film.

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Perhaps. I *am* really hard on myself when I fail. I should be more mindful of that in the future.

TheRealCallie said:

If you tried our hardest and you didn't give up, I would skip Transformers and go see another movie you want to watch, but not Boyhood.

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If I refuse to see Boyhood, my friend will be put in the uncomfortable position of having to cancel on the third friend. I could very well say, "Well, that's your problem, not mine," and I'd be an ******* if I did. If the third person wasn't involved, we would have had no reason to break our deal. But, I realize there are times to relax the rules a bit. Especially among friends.

Edward W said:

...you must now agree you will continue and complete your goals / tasks. No specific timescale, but in a realistic timeframe.

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I think this is a sensible idea. I can't get out of seeing Boyhood without upsetting someone, so I'm going to see the film and continue to finish the goals. Thanks.

lifestream said:

Perhaps you shouldn't be working within such a strict reward/punishment system?

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Probably. I am notorious for beating myself up if I don't achieve a goal. Knowing that, I felt it was a good motivator to give myself a punishment if I didn't achieve the goal. Don't get me wrong, though. Had this third person not arrived in the mix, my friend and I would have seen the punishment film and then started a new set of goals. But maybe a punishment isn't the best motivator after all. I do like the reward idea, though.

lifestream said:

If you're trying to accomplish a set number of goals on a weekly deadline, without any kind of wiggle room, you're going to be watching a lot of terrible films over the next few months.

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lol - I agree. I noticed that I overbooked myself. I had too many tasks listed without any wiggle room, and one of the days I fell sick, setting me back a bit. I thought I could make up the time, but I couldn't. Lesson learned.

sk66rc said:

The fact that you feel shitty as you do about "breaking your own code of ethics" tells me little about your conviction...

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Indeed. I feel that my word is my bond. It may be old-fashioned to some, and I see all too many people see it as inconvenient to stick with a promise, but I'm not one of them. It's why I have people in my life who trust me. It's based on a pattern of doing what I say I'm going to do, following through on a promise, being there when I say I'm gonna be there, etc. I'm actually proud to be this way.

sk66rc said:

How about this... Tell her if you guys do go see this movie, then you guys will both help each other see that the rest of the tasks are done no matter what...

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That's a good idea, but one of her goals was to exercise every day and she missed a couple of days. So, the best she can do is reset for our next agreement. I still have concrete things I need to finish, so I will definitely continue to work on them.

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Anyway, in conclusion, I am seeing Boyhood tomorrow. I'll be having another discussion with my motivational friend about another set of goals and try to give myself more time to complete them, and not be so strict about it, or as hard on myself as I am.

Thanks, everyone.

Case, I'm sorry I didn't see this thread sooner or I would have chimed in my opinion but you've made your decision now.

Case said:

I made a deal with a friend of mine to get some things in our lives done. We set out to motivate each other through texting reminders. If we both succeeded in our goals, we were to see a "reward movie," something we both wanted to watch. If we failed, we would see a movie neither of us wanted to watch. FYI: The reward film is "Boyhood," and the prize for "failing" is the newest "Transformers" film.

Since we started, my friend invited a mutual buddy of ours to see the reward film, partly as an extra incentive to get our honeysuckle together. I have no idea if our mutual buddy knows anything about this movie being our reward for a job well done.

Well, today I realized that I would not be able to complete my goals by the deadline, so had I earned the "failure" film. I texted my friend that I cannot earn the reward. She texted back that she missed one of her goals, so she did not earn it either, but since she had invited our friend to come with us to see the reward film, it would "be rude to cancel on him."

Since I did not make this deal with him, I didn't think it was my problem. I told her to go ahead and see the reward film since she already made plans to see it with him, and I'll go and see the other film myself. She said, "I'm not going to see Boyhood with him alone." That's her roundabout way of saying that I had to see the reward film with them.

The thing is, I feel like honeysuckle. I set a goal for Wednesday and I failed. I got some stuff done, but not everything, and only "everything" earned the reward. But now, my friend is essentially telling me that I have to see the reward film now no matter what. What is the good of having a reward if you intend to enjoy the reward regardless of success or failure?

---

So what do I do?

Do I tell her, "Sorry. You made the deal with your friend, so you need to go. I can't see the movie because I did not earn it?"

Or, do I tell her "Okay. I'll be there," even though neither of us earned this?

I honestly feel horrible right now and I'm not going to enjoy watching this movie because I'm in a down mood. I also feel like she is dismissing our agreement as "inconvenient" because she chose to invite a third person into this.

Can you guys give me a better perspective on this? I'd appreciate it.

TL-DR: Failed to complete agreed tasks, but friend wants me to claim reward for completion anyway, making me hesitate. Am I an idiot?

Click to expand...

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That's very cool how you set these things for yourselves, and doing it with a friend or two to make it more fun and interesting is even better. If I had such types of friends I'd probably wanna do something like this too!

Well, over-thinking as what the others have said and as what you know of yourself, is bound to happen, especially in a situation like this or in any other dilemma you face. But that aside, it is understandable because of how you are as an individual. I have to say I felt the same way sk66rc did on this part:

sk66rc said:

First of all, I'd like to say I'm impressed... Someone once told me when I was younger, "If I can't trust you with something as little as a dollar, how do you expect me to trust you with something as big as a million dollars?"... The fact that you feel shitty as you do about "breaking your own code of ethics" tells me little about your conviction...

Click to expand...

Well, I would have said, since there will be a 3rd person involved, to let go of this agreement and go ahead and watch the reward film because of unforeseen circumstances. (In other words, also, give yourself a little break - but do it better next round!)

So hope you'll enjoy the film and not feel too badly about it, but instead, use it to feel motivated that you will achieve your next set goal after this. Good luck!

ladyforsaken said:

So hope you'll enjoy the film and not feel too badly about it, but instead, use it to feel motivated that you will achieve your next set goal after this. Good luck!

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Thanks for the input, LadyF.

I did enjoy the film. It was amazing, The three of us had dinner, and we just click on a level I don't experience much with anyone else. So, it was a good time. My female friend and I also agreed to resume our goals, so everything is back to "business as usual."

That's great to hear! Good luck.