My Walk - My Continuing Realisation

[okidoke]

As I sometimes do, today I went for a walk around the popular lake in town. There's always heaps of people doing the same, and I guess deep down I'm hoping to bump into someone that I can gel with, make a new friend. Just as I was getting out of my car, I saw an old school friend of mine who I've known for almost 50 years, but I didn't want to interact with them for various reasons, so avoided eye contact with a head turn and waited until they had passed. I know she'd be all smiles and chatty, she's very chatty, but I've got little to say to her and the fact that her son used two of my daughters, yes two, doesn't sit well with me, plus she is a very good friend with another mutual school friend that I had a falling out with just over two years ago. I waited until she had a good head start on me before I followed in the same direction, to avoid seeing her if I went the opposite direction (it's a mile loop around the lake). So, I just listened to a podcast as I walked the loops. She disappeared after one loop. On about the 3rd loop, I noticed a fine looking girl with her dog and as I was passing her realised I knew her from a local gym I visited a bit over the past year. We had a chat as we walked. This girl, Jas, is 30 years my junior and has always been easy to chat to, with an engaging smile ever present on her lovely face. When she talks with you, you feel like she's truly interested in your words, and laughs at appropriate times and shares her own thoughts with you, etc etc. She never makes you feel like you're wasting her time or making her feel awkward. She's a yoga teacher and always so positive around people when I've seen her at the gym. Her dog was slowing her down a bit and I didn't want to appear creepy and use up my welcome so half a lap later I let her go, even though I secretly wanted to continue talking with her. Why am I talking about this? Because although it was a pleasant interaction, it compounded my feelings of being a loser and that my life won't bring me forth what I want to feel happy. Jas made me feel good, but I'm aware that she's probably like that with everyone, that I'm nothing special or significant in any way to her. That she's so much younger than me, (even though I still feel young and look young compared to so many my age walking around the lake) and I couldn't fit into her circle in any shape or form, where I might recapture some lost youthful enjoyment, a fantasy relationship that I could never have (although some actually do have, which I envy). I observed other men my age and older, on their own or in groups, and I felt no inclination to be a part of their circles, but envious at the same time that they had each other and that I have no one really. I also noticed the women, which all seemed so worn out, haggard or physically encumbered. Nothing attractive about them at all. I'm sure that's how I appear to anyone like Jas, which saddens me as well. And so, I just come to the realisation that I'm just going to grow older, remain lonely, feeling my life energy drain away and I can't do anything about it.

I just wrote this out to get if off my chest. ​

 

[TropicalStarfish]

Nobody said aging would be easy; and the wise would probably say it takes guts.

This Universe, from time to time, can heap the most curious pains upon us.

But... If I do the following, and edit your quote...

As I sometimes do, today I went for a walk around the popular lake in town. There's always heaps of people doing the same, and I guess deep down I'm hoping to bump into someone that I can gel with, make a new friend. (...) So, I just listened to a podcast as I walked the loops. (...) On about the 3rd loop, I noticed a fine looking girl with her dog and as I was passing her realised I knew her from a local gym I visited a bit over the past year. We had a chat as we walked. This girl, Jas, is 30 years my junior and has always been easy to chat to, with an engaging smile ever present on her lovely face. When she talks with you, you feel like she's truly interested in your words, and laughs at appropriate times and shares her own thoughts with you, etc etc. She never makes you feel like you're wasting her time or making her feel awkward. She's a yoga teacher and always so positive around people when I've seen her at the gym. Her dog was slowing her down a bit and I didn't want to (...) use up my welcome so half a lap later I let her go, even though I secretly wanted to continue talking with her. Why am I talking about this? Because (...) it was a pleasant interaction, (...) Jas made me feel good, (...) And so, I just come to the realisation that I'm (...) going to grow older, (...) feeling my life energy (...)
​

...The negatives are gone now.

Aging is unavoidable. We can slow it down, make the best of it, or, even improve upon what's behind us in the process. But, getting older is something we do have a choice in. We don't have to become, 'old.' There are people far older than me, in years, who are far younger, in their vigor and spirit.

Maybe you'll meet this young lady at the park again, and perhaps a friendship will flourish. Perhaps home/family life will improve. Who the f*ck knows.

You've air in your lungs, two legs, two arms, etc..

Don't throw the baby out with the bath water, as they say.

Cheers!

 

[okidoke]

I'm not so much worried about aging, apart from my ailments debilitating me further, it's the disappearance of time without being able to change anything worthwhile. I'm not really worried about seeing Jas again either, it's what she represents to me. If I really wanted to see her again, I could take up her yoga classes, but I'm not interested in doing that. I hear what you're saying @TropicalStarfish though, and the slightest of hopes that something welcoming might occur to me does keep me going, keeping me filling my days.