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How I never feel lonely and how can you never feel lonely too
#1
Background about myself:
- Studied A-Level psychology and read many popular psychology books.
- Have been socially isolated for more than a decade and when I had only one unreliable friend.
- Barely can remember the time when I felt lonely.
- 32 yrs old, male, well-travelled, uni graduate, working in computer industry.

Loneliness is caused by two things: lack of doing something and caring about being having no social life. 

Before giving advice..here is an explanation of how the mind works. The mind searches for patterns, anything that you sense is processed into a thought which is then fitted into some pattern. The pattern is determined by different factors such as your knowledge, personality and other factors. The brain has to place thing into patterns, otherwise it would be overwhelmed with everything that we sense and later process. In fact, the function of dreaming is organizing our thoughts. So our mind even organizes the thoughts into patterns when we are not fully conscious.

So here is what you need to do, to stop feeling loneliness. First, stop caring about your life style if it is focused around socializing. Chasing people's needs harms the self-esteem more than chasing most of other type of goals. Even if you do have a social circle, you may still be a sad person. If you find friends, then good for you, if you dont, then you you are still okay. Nothing has happened to anyone who havent had friends for a while. No trauma. I encountered no psychological literature that talked about long term negative effects of lack of social contact, other than research in children who are as young as babies. 
Having no friends wont even stop you from achieving things that you really want? not even a 1% of the things that you want. Be honest with yourself. 
It would be even better for you to dispose some of the people around you who have bad influence on you!

I am 32 year old, and have achieved many things that I wanted while having only 4 friends, of whom only 1 was a true friend. I can at this age look for and form a social circle, nothing is stopping me. I just dont do it because I dont feel lonely. People are just different from who I am, so it is harder to interact with them. 

Okay, now that you addressed the problem of caring too much about a social life style. How do you cope with having nothing to do which makes you feel lonely.
As I mentioned before, the mind searches for patterns. So what do I do while knowing that fact?
I find things that I like doing, and start doing them. Easy and enjoyable tasks. A day passes, and if I dont complete the task, my mind preoccupies itself with the task and the meaning of completing it. Nothing else. I just get myself busy and add as many activities as I like and enjoy doing such as reading books, going on forums, listening to music, practicing BJJ, watching vids/docs on youtube, playing video games. 
You need also to think in terms of strategy of what that going to do to you! would it keep me socially isolated? yes! but in the scenario, I will be improving myself and live life the way I want to..instead of pleasing others. If time comes and I find someone I like, I will shift my life balance towards them. 
You have to know that you cant control 100% of your environment. Make 50% effort to try to expect relationships to form, not 100%.. that type of thinking would only lead to self-blame, low self-esteem and greater feeling of loneliness.

What do you think of my way of coping with loneliness? 
It worked for decades for me, and I dont think that will working in decades to come,, even if I am stuck with no one.

There were only few times when I felt lonely. Those were mainly times when I was alone in different countries. Thats it. But I dont think about those times. I have got more meaningful and better things to do in my life. 

Try my trick or advice. Bank on your mind to form patterns.. make your life filled with things you like doing. Be busy and self-improve until relationships form.
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#2
You just wrote what I've never been able to explain...
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#3
(12-17-2016, 07:10 PM)NewOrder2016 Wrote: Background about myself:
- Studied A-Level psychology and read many popular psychology books.
- Have been socially isolated for more than a decade and when I had only one unreliable friend.
- Barely can remember the time when I felt lonely.
- 32 yrs old, male, well-travelled, uni graduate, working in computer industry.

Loneliness is caused by two things: lack of doing something and caring about being having no social life. 

Before giving advice..here is an explanation of how the mind works. The mind searches for patterns, anything that you sense is processed into a thought which is then fitted into some pattern. The pattern is determined by different factors such as your knowledge, personality and other factors. The brain has to place thing into patterns, otherwise it would be overwhelmed with everything that we sense and later process. In fact, the function of dreaming is organizing our thoughts. So our mind even organizes the thoughts into patterns when we are not fully conscious.

So here is what you need to do, to stop feeling loneliness. First, stop caring about your life style if it is focused around socializing. Chasing people's needs harms the self-esteem more than chasing most of other type of goals. Even if you do have a social circle, you may still be a sad person. If you find friends, then good for you, if you dont, then you you are still okay. Nothing has happened to anyone who havent had friends for a while. No trauma. I encountered no psychological literature that talked about long term negative effects of lack of social contact, other than research in children who are as young as babies. 
Having no friends wont even stop you from achieving things that you really want? not even a 1% of the things that you want. Be honest with yourself. 
It would be even better for you to dispose some of the people around you who have bad influence on you!

I am 32 year old, and have achieved many things that I wanted while having only 4 friends, of whom only 1 was a true friend. I can at this age look for and form a social circle, nothing is stopping me. I just dont do it because I dont feel lonely. People are just different from who I am, so it is harder to interact with them. 

Okay, now that you addressed the problem of caring too much about a social life style. How do you cope with having nothing to do which makes you feel lonely.
As I mentioned before, the mind searches for patterns. So what do I do while knowing that fact?
I find things that I like doing, and start doing them. Easy and enjoyable tasks. A day passes, and if I dont complete the task, my mind preoccupies itself with the task and the meaning of completing it. Nothing else. I just get myself busy and add as many activities as I like and enjoy doing such as reading books, going on forums, listening to music, practicing BJJ, watching vids/docs on youtube, playing video games. 
You need also to think in terms of strategy of what that going to do to you! would it keep me socially isolated? yes! but in the scenario, I will be improving myself and live life the way I want to..instead of pleasing others. If time comes and I find someone I like, I will shift my life balance towards them. 
You have to know that you cant control 100% of your environment. Make 50% effort to try to expect relationships to form, not 100%.. that type of thinking would only lead to self-blame, low self-esteem and greater feeling of loneliness.

What do you think of my way of coping with loneliness? 
It worked for decades for me, and I dont think that will working in decades to come,, even if I am stuck with no one.

There were only few times when I felt lonely. Those were mainly times when I was alone in different countries. Thats it. But I dont think about those times. I have got more meaningful and better things to do in my life. 

Try my trick or advice. Bank on your mind to form patterns.. make your life filled with things you like doing. Be busy and self-improve until relationships form.
I like your way of coping with loneliness, but you don't seem depressed, which I feel could be worth exploring in your advice giving, because I like your perspective.  what I find about hard about my loneliness is that I think it's resulted from a growing lack of ambition i'm experiencing that has to be a byproduct of untreated depression.  I'm starting to think depression has influenced my whole life, holding me back from really experiencing any of the really cool things i actually did. But I agree with you though, i made myself do cool things like travel, start a company, talk to interesting people, and it paid off in immediate activity, nice and weird memories and friendships, some of which have lasted.  Unfortunately I just feel like I missed a boat or two in all my activity and the core void that I thought I was filling up with the bustle is still there, isolating me.  So I get that it's two separate issues, depression and loneliness, but I would venture to guess a majority of lonely people are actually depressed too, or are dealing with something else that prohibits them from fully being able to even WANT to do anything.  But I guess I agree that forcing yourself out into the world or even just into a hobby can help replace negative thinking patterns with more life affirming content
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#4
(12-18-2016, 12:29 PM)littlefish1555 Wrote:
(12-17-2016, 07:10 PM)NewOrder2016 Wrote: Background about myself:
- Studied A-Level psychology and read many popular psychology books.
- Have been socially isolated for more than a decade and when I had only one unreliable friend.
- Barely can remember the time when I felt lonely.
- 32 yrs old, male, well-travelled, uni graduate, working in computer industry.

Loneliness is caused by two things: lack of doing something and caring about being having no social life. 

Before giving advice..here is an explanation of how the mind works. The mind searches for patterns, anything that you sense is processed into a thought which is then fitted into some pattern. The pattern is determined by different factors such as your knowledge, personality and other factors. The brain has to place thing into patterns, otherwise it would be overwhelmed with everything that we sense and later process. In fact, the function of dreaming is organizing our thoughts. So our mind even organizes the thoughts into patterns when we are not fully conscious.

So here is what you need to do, to stop feeling loneliness. First, stop caring about your life style if it is focused around socializing. Chasing people's needs harms the self-esteem more than chasing most of other type of goals. Even if you do have a social circle, you may still be a sad person. If you find friends, then good for you, if you dont, then you you are still okay. Nothing has happened to anyone who havent had friends for a while. No trauma. I encountered no psychological literature that talked about long term negative effects of lack of social contact, other than research in children who are as young as babies. 
Having no friends wont even stop you from achieving things that you really want? not even a 1% of the things that you want. Be honest with yourself. 
It would be even better for you to dispose some of the people around you who have bad influence on you!

I am 32 year old, and have achieved many things that I wanted while having only 4 friends, of whom only 1 was a true friend. I can at this age look for and form a social circle, nothing is stopping me. I just dont do it because I dont feel lonely. People are just different from who I am, so it is harder to interact with them. 

Okay, now that you addressed the problem of caring too much about a social life style. How do you cope with having nothing to do which makes you feel lonely.
As I mentioned before, the mind searches for patterns. So what do I do while knowing that fact?
I find things that I like doing, and start doing them. Easy and enjoyable tasks. A day passes, and if I dont complete the task, my mind preoccupies itself with the task and the meaning of completing it. Nothing else. I just get myself busy and add as many activities as I like and enjoy doing such as reading books, going on forums, listening to music, practicing BJJ, watching vids/docs on youtube, playing video games. 
You need also to think in terms of strategy of what that going to do to you! would it keep me socially isolated? yes! but in the scenario, I will be improving myself and live life the way I want to..instead of pleasing others. If time comes and I find someone I like, I will shift my life balance towards them. 
You have to know that you cant control 100% of your environment. Make 50% effort to try to expect relationships to form, not 100%.. that type of thinking would only lead to self-blame, low self-esteem and greater feeling of loneliness.

What do you think of my way of coping with loneliness? 
It worked for decades for me, and I dont think that will working in decades to come,, even if I am stuck with no one.

There were only few times when I felt lonely. Those were mainly times when I was alone in different countries. Thats it. But I dont think about those times. I have got more meaningful and better things to do in my life. 

Try my trick or advice. Bank on your mind to form patterns.. make your life filled with things you like doing. Be busy and self-improve until relationships form.
I like your way of coping with loneliness, but you don't seem depressed, which I feel could be worth exploring in your advice giving, because I like your perspective.  what I find about hard about my loneliness is that I think it's resulted from a growing lack of ambition i'm experiencing that has to be a byproduct of untreated depression.  I'm starting to think depression has influenced my whole life, holding me back from really experiencing any of the really cool things i actually did. But I agree with you though, i made myself do cool things like travel, start a company, talk to interesting people, and it paid off in immediate activity, nice and weird memories and friendships, some of which have lasted.  Unfortunately I just feel like I missed a boat or two in all my activity and the core void that I thought I was filling up with the bustle is still there, isolating me.  So I get that it's two separate issues, depression and loneliness, but I would venture to guess a majority of lonely people are actually depressed too, or are dealing with something else that prohibits them from fully being able to even WANT to do anything.  But I guess I agree that forcing yourself out into the world or even just into a hobby can help replace negative thinking patterns with more life affirming content

My goal of this thread is to teach you how the mind work, how to be sane, and not focus on how to pursuit pleasure.

Pursuing pleasure is having sex and spending a lot of money when you want to.  I am not sure if I am going to achieve that. And yes it does get me a bit depressed. But my mind is well conditioned, because I invested in myself. Learning psychology mostly, and talking to people on forums.

There is a difference between lonely people who feel lonely because they fail to pursue pleasure and keep sane.

I recently read a book that is called "Gulag" by Anne Applebaum. Many people were put in labor camps, many went insane in the insane conditions and some took there own life. So I thought to myself, how can I survive in jail conditions. In conditions of total social isolation. I used my psychology knowledge to think about my life too, and more importantly how the mind works.

The mind has its own way of working, we can manipulate it from going insane, feeling lonely, depressed, anxious. It is like a computer that needs the right configurations.. configurations that are not known or make sense to the average person, so he doesnt use them, because they dont make sense or have the meaning he wants them to have. But the configurations do work. 

Break your beliefs or behavior into stages/steps. In the most initial step, you are the first step. Doesnt matter how bad things are for you, what you make out of life, any conclusions that you draw from anything! You are always the first you need to take care about yourself. Look how true that statement is:
- If you know business. You know that the first asset is human! the person who innovates it.
- In relationships, people mostly look at who you are and then about what you say. Any negative thoughts that are in your head would fit the following categories depression, anxiety or apathy. In a conversation, all that will be seen to other people, they way you greet them, depart from them, tell a story, give them non-verbal feedback. I used to do pick-up, and thought about all the techniques that there are and what I was doing wrong. The problem wasnt in the techniques, the women, the situation so much. It was in me! and my body language that got messed up from low self-esteem, past feelings of anxiety, depression. Other things in seduction are important too. But you yourself, come first. 
- Do you really think a top salesman succeeds in selling well, while having bad body language that stems from a mental state. What about politicians/diplomats, business leaders, or leaders in general, how would they seem if they reflected depression, anxiety, apathy (low energy) when the gave speeches? They wouldnt be very charismatic.  YOU  come first!
- Your decision making will be much worse. The right decisions are made when you take yourself as a consideration. 
Havent you heard the sayings which say, dont try to become someone else, be yourself? People succeed at what they do because they enjoy it? well that is true, research was done and found that people are more motivated to do things if those things are closer to their identity, poorly motivated people get their motivation by comparing themselves and what they have to others or try be someone else by imitating them, thinking to themselves that they can copy their success (look for intrinsic and extrinsic values).

I like this line of thinking that I invented recently:
I am my own soldier and I guard my own borders.

I dont let others effect me to he state where they make me feel worthless and having to change myself in a way that would cause me to be miserable.
I dont care about the societies definitions, norms and advice like an average person does, thats why I am not dragged so easily to the dark side of me so easily. I got so much sh1t advice in my life from family and members of society in general that I am working daily to deviate from the way they think and find and create the person that I want to be. And I am 32! I should have done it with I was 14..but back then I had no intelligence and the knowledge that I accumulated today.

There is time to blame others, feel lonely, depressed, anxious, bored, worthless or do terrible things to others or yourself. But the first priority before anything you feel or do, is yourself.
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#5
Quote:People succeed at what they do because they enjoy it? well that is true, research was done and found that people are more motivated to do things if those things are closer to their identity, poorly motivated people get their motivation by comparing themselves and what they have to others or try be someone else by imitating them, thinking to themselves that they can copy their success...
.

I love the research you used here. This is so true. If I go do something just to be social like so and so I am usually miserable the whole time. It is partially because I'm only going out to fulfill the societal norm of being social. I'm comparing to what others are doing and my motivation is poor. This has given me more insight. Yes, I'm a social being but engaging in the behaviors to keep up appearances make s the activity vapid and more harmful than helpful.
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#6
(12-17-2016, 07:10 PM)NewOrder2016 Wrote: Background about myself:
- Studied A-Level psychology and read many popular psychology books.
- Have been socially isolated for more than a decade and when I had only one unreliable friend.
- Barely can remember the time when I felt lonely.
- 32 yrs old, male, well-travelled, uni graduate, working in computer industry.

Loneliness is caused by two things: lack of doing something and caring about being having no social life. 

Before giving advice..here is an explanation of how the mind works. The mind searches for patterns, anything that you sense is processed into a thought which is then fitted into some pattern. The pattern is determined by different factors such as your knowledge, personality and other factors. The brain has to place thing into patterns, otherwise it would be overwhelmed with everything that we sense and later process. In fact, the function of dreaming is organizing our thoughts. So our mind even organizes the thoughts into patterns when we are not fully conscious.

So here is what you need to do, to stop feeling loneliness. First, stop caring about your life style if it is focused around socializing. Chasing people's needs harms the self-esteem more than chasing most of other type of goals. Even if you do have a social circle, you may still be a sad person. If you find friends, then good for you, if you dont, then you you are still okay. Nothing has happened to anyone who havent had friends for a while. No trauma. I encountered no psychological literature that talked about long term negative effects of lack of social contact, other than research in children who are as young as babies. 
Having no friends wont even stop you from achieving things that you really want? not even a 1% of the things that you want. Be honest with yourself. 
It would be even better for you to dispose some of the people around you who have bad influence on you!

I am 32 year old, and have achieved many things that I wanted while having only 4 friends, of whom only 1 was a true friend. I can at this age look for and form a social circle, nothing is stopping me. I just dont do it because I dont feel lonely. People are just different from who I am, so it is harder to interact with them. 

Okay, now that you addressed the problem of caring too much about a social life style. How do you cope with having nothing to do which makes you feel lonely.
As I mentioned before, the mind searches for patterns. So what do I do while knowing that fact?
I find things that I like doing, and start doing them. Easy and enjoyable tasks. A day passes, and if I dont complete the task, my mind preoccupies itself with the task and the meaning of completing it. Nothing else. I just get myself busy and add as many activities as I like and enjoy doing such as reading books, going on forums, listening to music, practicing BJJ, watching vids/docs on youtube, playing video games. 
You need also to think in terms of strategy of what that going to do to you! would it keep me socially isolated? yes! but in the scenario, I will be improving myself and live life the way I want to..instead of pleasing others. If time comes and I find someone I like, I will shift my life balance towards them. 
You have to know that you cant control 100% of your environment. Make 50% effort to try to expect relationships to form, not 100%.. that type of thinking would only lead to self-blame, low self-esteem and greater feeling of loneliness.

What do you think of my way of coping with loneliness? 
It worked for decades for me, and I dont think that will working in decades to come,, even if I am stuck with no one.

There were only few times when I felt lonely. Those were mainly times when I was alone in different countries. Thats it. But I dont think about those times. I have got more meaningful and better things to do in my life. 

Try my trick or advice. Bank on your mind to form patterns.. make your life filled with things you like doing. Be busy and self-improve until relationships form.

Background in psychology you say? Can you please check out some of my threads I made. In desperate need of some insights. That would be great
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#7
Interesting perspective. I especially like the idea of shifting the focus away from social ideas, and more towards internal ones (hope I read that part right).
On a side note, do you happen to have any sources? I'm currently studying psychology, and it sounds like an interesting topic to examine.
I am known as a walrus, but at the same time, it's tea time, so naturally, a fiddle is really a shoe in disguise as a pear.
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#8
You cannot manipulate your mind to cure yourself of mental illness. I'm sorry, but I don't see a person with a person with something like schizophrenia thinking their way out of it. It is a lot more complicated than that.

I believe in using positive thinking to control things like the symptoms of mental illness, but I think that you are simplifying things too much.
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#9
Although I do apreciate your efforts in trying to help others, and I see how it might help some in a way I read 2 things from the intire text.

1. Feeling lonely because of no social circle/inabilety to socialize but wanting to, solution: Indifference and justification, if you don't want anything you'll never be disapointed, if you don't make an effort nothing will come from it and you can say you're alone by choice.

2. Dealing with being lonely, solution: Coping mechanism, take on anything and everything you can, filling your life with so much job, errands, hobbies and what not that you'll never have to think about your social status or where you are in life.

I've done both off these and they will definetly help you move on and be a productive member of society, they don't fix anything though, it's like building a dam in the river of thoughts, standing at the base you might think all is well, but on the other side the build up has begun the stream turns into a lake and there comes a time the lake will overflow and the stream will start again, or the dam might buckle and break under the weight and all comes pouring through in an instant....
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