What Do You Think Causes Loneliness?

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RiceCrispie

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The way society is these days, mostly, at least in many developed countries, it has lost the connection between people. People don’t have a sense of belonging anymore for the most part. That’s why gangs work well for some people, clubs for others, hobby groups, sports, etc. People are looking for place to fit in and share with others. Same with relationships; the “spark” is elusive for many, but if there is a good connection, a bond where the couple enjoy spending time together and doing things together, then they feel like they’re a part of something, have worth. Loneliness is just a feeling of not belonging anywhere, having no value to anyone, having nobody to share your time and what’s on your mind with someone. In the olden days communities spent a lot of time with each other and everyone knew everyone, and in some small places they still do. But with all the tech of communication these days, it’s easy to put off immediately conversing with someone because we know we can do it in a minute, so there’s no urgency and a minute becomes and hour which becomes a day, a week, a month and eventually one hasn’t spoken to a friend for years. And “friends” are rarer too, real friends. Too many people are so caught up in their own lives that they just forget about others and people put in a lot less effort to keep in touch and keep relationships active. I’ve been married for over 25 years, I’m lonely. I’ve put in a lot of time and effort to maintain my friendships, but they’ve all disappeared except for one. I’ve barely got a family member to talk to. These days I just try to keep myself busy, without having any expectations for sudden excitement or fun times. I feel out of place most places I go now and with most people I meet. I’m tired of disingenuous people. I’m used to loneliness. I can’t see it being any different now.
Yeh I see that a lot too. I think I would also get fed up of others putting in no effort.

Some People don’t seem as committed to maintaining as much connection these days They also fade ( or use the term growing apart) where as in the Oden days, you had no real choice. Your family was your livelihood. Too much freedom?

What do you think? We can’t start forcing people to be social. But it helps if we can feel safe to tell them the truth.
 

RiceCrispie

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Trying too hard to be liked as an adolescent is a major factor. It makes someone a natural target for bullying, but it's worse because they have a hand in their own humiliation. At some point, the lonely individual may grow a spine, but by then it might be too late, adolescence is over and all those crucial experiences for healthy adjustment can't happen. Now they're stranded in adulthood with less experience than a teen.

A rough timeline could go something like:

Born with some Innate introversion, perhaps autism.

Overbearing/emasculating mother figure (absolutely terrible for a boy), abuse, or helicopter parenting.

Emotionally unstable/needy/insecure behaviour starts to get noticed by other kids by around middle school.

From there on bullying and social exclusion turns life into a daily torment.

The individual leaves school then wastes the remainder of their youth hiding away with gaming or drugs/alcohol to recover.

This goes on for years, eventually leading a person to grow out-of-sync with their age group. Their peer groups lifestyles and sensibilities change, but they do not, ensuring social isolation as an adult and of course total inability to function romantically with someone age appropriate.
Yeh and even if we know and trust our values we end up sometimes compromising them so we won’t be harassed only to feel bad after. The bully lost their morals or ethics somewhere along the line and don’t feel the pain of guilt anymore. I wish more was to be done about this but it really is up to good parenting practice. Courage to stand up to them is shaky as there are more gangs nowadays. Lone bullying I suppose could be tackled but it’s not at all easy with gangs.

Having a good sense of who we are in the moment helps, we all love a good hero movie bashing the baddies but wars generally escalte.

Bring back crying I say!
 

RiceCrispie

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It's different for everyone...

I don't think I really started to feel quite so acutely lonely, until maybe about, six years ago. Mostly I've enjoyed my solitude through out life. Though it's a feeling that has cropped up at different times through out my life as well.

As for romantic love? I think one knows when they've experienced it. There's a poem or two out there on the subject, hehe :p

I'm not sure I could completely imagine what it would be like to be in love and also to have that affection mirrored back. I can't quite completely imagine what building that life together would be like.

I can imagine how it might fade, and perhaps even turn into something ugly and painful. And I can imagine if it only grew stronger, rather than fade, or if it was rekindled, after the fire went out; I can imagine it would still be very painful, to have to say good-bye, some day.
I like solitude too. But even then only see what’s in the movies based on romantic love. It looks great. The closet I’ve been is infatuation. It’s really horrible, like anxiety provoking.. The other person has complete control over your whole being it’s crippling but also exhilarating and to have it mirrored back must be like an explosion 💥
No wonder people can’t keep their hands off each other, and those outstanding art forms have been made.
Well if I never experience it, it obviously wasn’t meant to be.
 

TropicalStarfish

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I like solitude too. But even then only see what’s in the movies based on romantic love. It looks great. The closet I’ve been is infatuation. It’s really horrible, like anxiety provoking.. The other person has complete control over your whole being it’s crippling but also exhilarating and to have it mirrored back must be like an explosion 💥
No wonder people can’t keep their hands off each other, and those outstanding art forms have been made.
Well if I never experience it, it obviously wasn’t meant to be.
Yeah, sometimes I wonder myself...

What is love?

And then I remember...
 

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okidoke

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Yeh I see that a lot too. I think I would also get fed up of others putting in no effort.

Some People don’t seem as committed to maintaining as much connection these days They also fade ( or use the term growing apart) where as in the Oden days, you had no real choice. Your family was your livelihood. Too much freedom?

What do you think? We can’t start forcing people to be social. But it helps if we can feel safe to tell them the truth.
It might be forced upon everyone if the world implodes and we lose all power. Most people don't like being told the truth.
 

rayan

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brave of you to share your feelings and thoughts about loneliness and relationships. Loneliness is something many people struggle with, and it's important to acknowledge and explore it. It's clear that you've been on a journey of self-discovery, recognizing moments of connection and the absence of that 'spark' in your past relationships.

It's true that initial sparks can fade in long-term relationships, but what sustains a lasting connection often involves shared values, trust, and emotional intimacy. It's possible that your past experiences have shaped your perception of what romantic relationships should feel like.

Exploring the reasons behind your feelings of disconnection and loneliness is a significant step towards understanding yourself better..

Remember that you're not alone in feeling this way, as many others are also navigating similar feelings of loneliness in today's world. Continue your journey of self-discovery, and it's possible that you'll uncover new insights and opportunities for connection along the way. You're onto something by exploring this, and self-awareness can be a powerful tool in finding the connections you desire
 

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