L
Lonely in Idaho
Guest
I'm so lonely. I have good friends, but I live alone in my apartment and I never have any girlfriends or anything because I can't seem to approach women, and when I do it doesn't really work out ever. So here I sit, talking to you, alone.
I got home from work this afternoon and dried off (we'd been working in the pouring rain), had a warm drink and a snack, and then laid down for a quick rest. That was at 5:00. Now I've just woke up and it's 8:30 and dark out...most of my evening is gone. But what's getting to me is my dream, which made me feel even lonelier than I have in a long time.
In my dream, my work crew and I needed to take a test to earn some sort of credential that I guess could be called a GED (even though I already have mine in RL). The catch was, a new requirement for the test had been put in to place: to take it, you had to be married. So in the dream I tracked down the only girl I've ever almost had as a girlfriend and liked. I knew she had no feelings for me, but I was going to ask her to, as a friend, just get 'married' to me so I could take that test. The dream cut out right before I got to talk to her; right at first sight.
I woke up with it dark out, feeling lonelier than ever, because I actually had real strong feelings for this girl in the past. I met her online and we really connected. She was gorgeous, too. But when I met her in person things just crashed and burned and she lost interest in me, and we never spoke again.
But that dream, for the first time in a year or so, made me depressed again once I woke up. I seem to have the dream ever year about. It's different every time, but all to the same effect. And now all the regrets are coming back, all the sadness and empty hope.
Why didn't it work? Why aren't we together? We'd be great together. God, Alex, I wish you'd have given it just a little time. I know you're with a guy now you really like. And I know he's the *first* guy you've ever really liked. I've seen the picture on your myspace...you look so happy with his arm around your shoulder. But dammit, I would almost trade my budding fire career if I could be that guy.
And there is NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD that I would even THINK of trading the fire service for. For a billion dollars and a life of splendor I would not give that up. You still mean that much to me, as much as I try not to believe it. I would work as a janitor for the rest of my life, and live in this hovel forever if it meant I could be with you.
I miss you, Alex. I didn't think I still missed you, but I do. I wish I could have kissed you. I wish I could have held you. But instead you're with someone else, somewhere far away, and here I am...in my apartment, alone.
I think it'll be rainy tomorrow, Alex, and I have to go to work to clear more brush. I always have to clear more brush. It'll probably be wet and cold and long and miserable, soaked by rain from without and sweat from within, just like today. And I'm sure my lunch will be just as unsatisfying as today's. But now I've had that dream about you again. That one that I haven't had in a year that leaves me so hopeless and sad. And now tomorrow is going to be a wet, rainy, lonely hell, my unconsoled anguish left to drown beneath the rain and the deafening rattle of the chipper.
It's been almost four years now. But I still miss you, Alex. I'm looking at that picture of us together, where you're at least pretending to smile, wishing it could've been a sign of things to come. I should've been over you by now. I thought I was...but apparently not. You're an amazing girl, and the closest I've ever been to a meaningful relationship...but you're gone forever and there's nothing I can do.
It's 9:01 now...I wish I hadn't slept. I have to be up early tomorrow and now there's no time for fun. So I'm going to bed, Alex. With any luck I will not dream, for I know it will be of you. With any luck I'll sleep long and restful to do battle with the trial of my day.
I'll see you in the morning Alex, in my waking thoughts, as much as I wish I could forget you. But I'll never forget you.
I still love you, and I will love you always.
Goodnight.
Call me, Call me...let me know it's alright.
Call me, Call me...don't you think it's 'bout time?
I got home from work this afternoon and dried off (we'd been working in the pouring rain), had a warm drink and a snack, and then laid down for a quick rest. That was at 5:00. Now I've just woke up and it's 8:30 and dark out...most of my evening is gone. But what's getting to me is my dream, which made me feel even lonelier than I have in a long time.
In my dream, my work crew and I needed to take a test to earn some sort of credential that I guess could be called a GED (even though I already have mine in RL). The catch was, a new requirement for the test had been put in to place: to take it, you had to be married. So in the dream I tracked down the only girl I've ever almost had as a girlfriend and liked. I knew she had no feelings for me, but I was going to ask her to, as a friend, just get 'married' to me so I could take that test. The dream cut out right before I got to talk to her; right at first sight.
I woke up with it dark out, feeling lonelier than ever, because I actually had real strong feelings for this girl in the past. I met her online and we really connected. She was gorgeous, too. But when I met her in person things just crashed and burned and she lost interest in me, and we never spoke again.
But that dream, for the first time in a year or so, made me depressed again once I woke up. I seem to have the dream ever year about. It's different every time, but all to the same effect. And now all the regrets are coming back, all the sadness and empty hope.
Why didn't it work? Why aren't we together? We'd be great together. God, Alex, I wish you'd have given it just a little time. I know you're with a guy now you really like. And I know he's the *first* guy you've ever really liked. I've seen the picture on your myspace...you look so happy with his arm around your shoulder. But dammit, I would almost trade my budding fire career if I could be that guy.
And there is NOTHING ELSE IN THIS WORLD that I would even THINK of trading the fire service for. For a billion dollars and a life of splendor I would not give that up. You still mean that much to me, as much as I try not to believe it. I would work as a janitor for the rest of my life, and live in this hovel forever if it meant I could be with you.
I miss you, Alex. I didn't think I still missed you, but I do. I wish I could have kissed you. I wish I could have held you. But instead you're with someone else, somewhere far away, and here I am...in my apartment, alone.
I think it'll be rainy tomorrow, Alex, and I have to go to work to clear more brush. I always have to clear more brush. It'll probably be wet and cold and long and miserable, soaked by rain from without and sweat from within, just like today. And I'm sure my lunch will be just as unsatisfying as today's. But now I've had that dream about you again. That one that I haven't had in a year that leaves me so hopeless and sad. And now tomorrow is going to be a wet, rainy, lonely hell, my unconsoled anguish left to drown beneath the rain and the deafening rattle of the chipper.
It's been almost four years now. But I still miss you, Alex. I'm looking at that picture of us together, where you're at least pretending to smile, wishing it could've been a sign of things to come. I should've been over you by now. I thought I was...but apparently not. You're an amazing girl, and the closest I've ever been to a meaningful relationship...but you're gone forever and there's nothing I can do.
It's 9:01 now...I wish I hadn't slept. I have to be up early tomorrow and now there's no time for fun. So I'm going to bed, Alex. With any luck I will not dream, for I know it will be of you. With any luck I'll sleep long and restful to do battle with the trial of my day.
I'll see you in the morning Alex, in my waking thoughts, as much as I wish I could forget you. But I'll never forget you.
I still love you, and I will love you always.
Goodnight.
Call me, Call me...let me know it's alright.
Call me, Call me...don't you think it's 'bout time?
