Multiple dating and feelings

I'm in my late 30s and I've been single for a long time. The rare times I meet someone I like he's always unavailable. In the last 2 years I've intensified my efforts to meet new guys, especially through online dating. That's how a month ago I met the man of my dreams. Honestly, he has every single characteristic I've ever wanted in a guy. I couldn't believe my luck. We started dating and I made it clear I was looking for something serious. We decided to take it slow. He told me sex was important for him but he was ok with giving me the time I needed. After 6 weeks of dating I was ready for sex with him this weekend when out of the blue everything changed. He told me he ran into a woman he's always been attracted to but she had a boyfriend. Now she's breaking up with her boyfriend and he wants to pursue her. He told me he feels a lot of potential with me as well and now he's confused. He assumed I wouldn't want to keep seeing him, since multiple dating isn't normal in my culture. However, I really like him, I've waited a long time for someone like him and I'm not ready to let him go without a fight. So I told him we could keep seeing each other while being free to date other people as well. I've never found myself in this kind of situation before and I have doubts. I'm curious to see if we are really as compatible as we seem, included sexually. There is a chance that he goes out with this other woman and realizes she's not right for him. I feel it's way too soon to make any drastic decisions. I'm obviously worried about getting hurt, but at the same time I feel if I don't pursue this I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I guess I'm here to vent and look for advice on how to handle the situation.

I hear you. I've known people in similar situations, although I've oft find no amount of advice will necessarily change one's mind when they commit themselves to something.

Okay, here's the way I see it, and I might be right or I might be wrong, because I know neither him or you.
I'd be worried about "the next one".
See, in my book, someone does something once, they might do it again. Thankfully, it happened now before you really got committed to a relationship instead of five years in. But what happens if something similar happens five, six, seven years from now? If he meets either same or some other old flame, will he still ask himself the same question, or dump you to pursue that other person? What if he simply sleeps behind your back and you only learn much latter?
I can't speak on your part, but for me, being a late 30's guy who's been single a long time, the number one most important thing in a relationship is trust. I personally wouldn't feel able to trust a person who can't seem to decide wether he wants to commit or not (if I was in your shoes, that is). Second...I was always raised with the belief that when you want something, you go and get it. The same applies to someone. I can't fathom how he would be confused because personally, my mind is made up the minute I meet someone. If I start committing to a path, I stick to it.
As for multiple dating, that's code for him wanting to test both girls at the same time, particularly in the sack. A girl I dated for a while submitted that to me a long time ago when her ex came into the picture and I threw her out of the appartement saying "If you're wondering, go with him, because I won't have anything but committed and I don't want to start not trusting you". Considering her situation now, I made the right choice.
So it's really up to you to decide. I personally see some red flags, which may or may not be accurate. In light of the current situation, I'd question wether he's really "all you ever wanted in a guy" or if you might not be viewing him through the skewed prism of your own needs. It's easy to see what we want to see and not what truly is there, especially if it's something we really want.

Anyway, that's my own two cents. I don't know accurate it is, but personally, I'd be a little worried.

Personally, I would tell him that he is free to date her, but that you and him would have to take a break. Let him see what kind of feelings he might have for this other person. If he realizes you are more important than him, he will come back to you.
I would advise against letting him date both of you.

hppnssseeker said:

I'm in my late 30s and I've been single for a long time. The rare times I meet someone I like he's always unavailable. In the last 2 years I've intensified my efforts to meet new guys, especially through online dating. That's how a month ago I met the man of my dreams. Honestly, he has every single characteristic I've ever wanted in a guy. I couldn't believe my luck. We started dating and I made it clear I was looking for something serious. We decided to take it slow. He told me sex was important for him but he was ok with giving me the time I needed. After 6 weeks of dating I was ready for sex with him this weekend when out of the blue everything changed. He told me he ran into a woman he's always been attracted to but she had a boyfriend. Now she's breaking up with her boyfriend and he wants to pursue her. He told me he feels a lot of potential with me as well and now he's confused. He assumed I wouldn't want to keep seeing him, since multiple dating isn't normal in my culture. However, I really like him, I've waited a long time for someone like him and I'm not ready to let him go without a fight. So I told him we could keep seeing each other while being free to date other people as well. I've never found myself in this kind of situation before and I have doubts. I'm curious to see if we are really as compatible as we seem, included sexually. There is a chance that he goes out with this other woman and realizes she's not right for him. I feel it's way too soon to make any drastic decisions. I'm obviously worried about getting hurt, but at the same time I feel if I don't pursue this I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I guess I'm here to vent and look for advice on how to handle the situation.

Click to expand...

The advice on this from me is pretty simple, do what makes you happy. And by the sounds of it an open relationship doesn't make you happy. I'll let you in on a little secret, most men love a strong independent women. Tell him you've changed your mind and that he has to make a choice between chasing this girl or actually having a real relationship with you. Tell him it face to face with passion and If he can't make up his mind I'd say leave him. But it's up to you! Remember a relationship is 50/50, you can't start a relationship with a lie like "It's fine if you want to see other people" when it's killing you inside. Like I said, tell him.

TheRealCallie said:

Personally, I would tell him that he is free to date her, but that you and him would have to take a break.  Let him see what kind of feelings he might have for this other person.  If he realizes you are more important than him, he will come back to you.  
I would advise against letting him date both of you.

Click to expand...

Ditto. Did on line dating for several years. Tell him to pursue her and see if there's something there. Why? Because there would alway be doubts in his mind if he didn't. Let him go. If he comes back around, it's because he's realized she wasn't what he really wanted. Don't let the fact that he's what you think you're looking for make you try to hang on to him if he's unsure of what he wants.

Thank you all. I realized I couldn't accept him dating both of us. We decided to take a break.

Just be patient, time will show. Nor he will stay with her and you will not have problem in that case, nor will back to you, any case you should highly appreciate his honest about this thing.