To text or not to text?

[user 190701]

I have no one else to ask this, so I'm hoping you all can chime in with some good advice.

As I said in my intro, I met a guy I really liked while I was on vacation a couple of months ago. The whole trip inspired me to come home and make some positive changes in my life, and I'm doing really well with that. The only thing is that I'm just super lonely because I've cut back on all the filler stuff that was keeping my mind busy before and plan to keep it cut out until I go back there in a couple of months.

Anyway, I didn't realize I would like this guy as more than a friend, but it has come to that. We text occasionally, and I would say we have become friends and actually have concrete plans to hang out when I go back. A couple of weeks ago, during the most intimate conversation we'd ever had (as in sharing more than surface-level stuff with each other about our pasts and stuff like that) he told me he has just started casually dating someone, and I told him I was really happy for him because I thought he was such a great guy. He seemed genuinely grateful for my comments, but it was late, so I ended the conversation shortly after that, and we haven't talked since. He works long hours, and I'm sure this girl is filling up his time now. And I just feel awkward texting him first, even though he always seems happy to hear from me and even tells me I can text him anytime and that he enjoys talking to me.

I have to admit, I've become kind of addicted to talking to him, but my low self-esteem makes me constantly wonder if he really wants to talk to me or if he's just being nice. And now with another girl in the picture, I feel even more awkward. We still have two months before we see each other again. I have no idea what will become of the girl he's just started dating or if anything will happen with us, and I'm trying not to have any expectations. I'm just not sure what to do in the meantime. I want to keep talking to him as a friend. There's so much I'd like to know about him. When I do text him, though, it's not just to say hi or anything — I always act like I have a question about something he might know about.

This weekend, I went to my late mother's old house and started the process of cleaning it out, and that was actually a nice way to keep my mind off everything, but I woke up so sad this morning. I miss talking to him. I just really want to text the guy, but I'm not sure if I should and how often. I don't want to annoy him, but I'd like to keep building our friendship.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Well, if you have genuine conversations, I would say he also enjoys talking to you. New girlfriend and long hours at work DO tend to eat up one's time, so that might be why. He's readjusting to life, if you will, finding time for everything. I see no harm in sending him a text saying hi, how's it going or whatever. Just continue on as you have been. If there is an issue, I'm sure it will be made clear.
Now I know you said you would like it to go further than just friends, but would you be happy and satisfied JUST being friends? Are you capable of backing off the "more than friends" stuff, if the need should arise? That can be a tricky situation to find yourself in, so I would really think about that before you move. I don't think you are moving only for him or anything, but it's better to know your true intentions up front.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I'm not sure I have any advice. I'm not sure I'd know what to do either.

And I just feel awkward texting him first, even though he always seems happy to hear from me and even tells me I can text him anytime and that he enjoys talking to me.

Might be best to take his word as it is. Does it really matter whether he's just being nice or actually meant it? And if it does matter, that's probably more related to your relation to him.

If he really meant it, then your kind of holding back for nothing. Maybe? If he's just being nice, then, I suppose it depends on what that means to you. But, perhaps it's a moot point altogether.

I suppose some thoughts that ran through my mind are: If you do really like this guy, and he has just started seeing some one else, might now be the time to just come out with it and say how you feel? That way at least he knows and can take it into consideration before something else possibly gets more serious. Then again, that may complicate things.

I guess my approach would be more of a, 'wait and see.' At least I think so. And my mind tends to over-think and get the better of me. I certainly would want to know how the other relationship is going, but, I'd also not want to have to hear anymore about it, than I have to.

Considering everything you've been going through. It seems like, staying occupied, to a certain extent, may be the best bet. Perhaps back off a little, not for him, but for you. But, if you are sincere in being okay, just being friends, maybe try to establish some constancy in the friendship, and just try to make time for a phone call once a week, and just keep the texting-lines-open here and there for a little chit chat; but, perhaps let him come to you now and then as well, without worrying too much who initiates.

Routine and keeping a busy mind busy, seem to be good, practical, and grounded ways to help deal with uncertainty and difficulty. And also, you can always keep your mind open to other possibilities too. Perhaps there is more friendship with others in your future. Other romantic possibilities. Or perhaps more practical goal orientated pursuits as to improving the foundations and situation of your life.

Seems I've created more questions than answers...

Then there's the old saying, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Just feel it out, perhaps. Constancy can help dispel worry and uncertainty, too, I think.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

My advice… text! Life is short. I never understood the text first thing (must be my personality) I just do what I want I dont feel awkward doing what I want because im used to getting my own way I suppose. Take some Ceno spirit and soar like an American eagle. You cant get a second back, so grab life

 

[okidoke]

To look at it another way, would you be happy being his girlfriend while he's texting another woman?

 

[Abstamyous]

If I have to question whether I should or not, I probably shouldn't and 99% don't. The few times I do, I usually needed the slap to remind me why I shouldn't have.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

To text, or not to text? That is the question! Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune!...

heh

 

[user 190701]

If I have to question whether I should or not, I probably shouldn't and 99% don't. The few times I do, I usually needed the slap to remind me why I shouldn't have.

Normally, I'd agree with you, but I have such bad social anxiety that I can't rely on my own instinct. I question whether I should smile at the cashier at the store.

 

[user 190701]

To look at it another way, would you be happy being his girlfriend while he's texting another woman?

The last guy I dated had many female friends, and it never bothered me. That said, I would never text him anything salacious.

 

[user 190701]

My advice… text! Life is short. I never understood the text first thing (must be my personality) I just do what I want I dont feel awkward doing what I want because im used to getting my own way I suppose. Take some Ceno spirit and soar like an American eagle. You cant get a second back, so grab life

This is exactly the attitude I'm trying to adopt while I make these big changes I'm making. My only fear with this guy though is that he'll get annoyed and cancel our plans to meet up when I get there.

 

[user 190701]

I'm not sure I have any advice. I'm not sure I'd know what to do either.


Might be best to take his word as it is. Does it really matter whether he's just being nice or actually meant it? And if it does matter, that's probably more related to your relation to him.

If he really meant it, then your kind of holding back for nothing. Maybe? If he's just being nice, then, I suppose it depends on what that means to you. But, perhaps it's a moot point altogether.

I suppose some thoughts that ran through my mind are: If you do really like this guy, and he has just started seeing some one else, might now be the time to just come out with it and say how you feel? That way at least he knows and can take it into consideration before something else possibly gets more serious. Then again, that may complicate things.

I guess my approach would be more of a, 'wait and see.' At least I think so. And my mind tends to over-think and get the better of me. I certainly would want to know how the other relationship is going, but, I'd also not want to have to hear anymore about it, than I have to.

Considering everything you've been going through. It seems like, staying occupied, to a certain extent, may be the best bet. Perhaps back off a little, not for him, but for you. But, if you are sincere in being okay, just being friends, maybe try to establish some constancy in the friendship, and just try to make time for a phone call once a week, and just keep the texting-lines-open here and there for a little chit chat; but, perhaps let him come to you now and then as well, without worrying too much who initiates.

Routine and keeping a busy mind busy, seem to be good, practical, and grounded ways to help deal with uncertainty and difficulty. And also, you can always keep your mind open to other possibilities too. Perhaps there is more friendship with others in your future. Other romantic possibilities. Or perhaps more practical goal orientated pursuits as to improving the foundations and situation of your life.

Seems I've created more questions than answers...

Then there's the old saying, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Just feel it out, perhaps. Constancy can help dispel worry and uncertainty, too, I think.

Thanks for this. You actually made a lot of sense and made me think. I am overthinker too. I think my biggest fear is that he won't want to meet up when I get back to where he lives. I also have the idea that if I'm still being friendly and supportive, if this other girl doesn't work out, he'll see what he has in me. I don't want to hear about the other relationship. I just like to talk to him. And I doubt anything will happen between us until we see each other in person again. So, I guess I am kind of in "wait and see" mode. I just don't want to go crazy in the next couple of months waiting.

 

[user 190701]

Well, if you have genuine conversations, I would say he also enjoys talking to you. New girlfriend and long hours at work DO tend to eat up one's time, so that might be why. He's readjusting to life, if you will, finding time for everything. I see no harm in sending him a text saying hi, how's it going or whatever. Just continue on as you have been. If there is an issue, I'm sure it will be made clear.
Now I know you said you would like it to go further than just friends, but would you be happy and satisfied JUST being friends? Are you capable of backing off the "more than friends" stuff, if the need should arise? That can be a tricky situation to find yourself in, so I would really think about that before you move. I don't think you are moving only for him or anything, but it's better to know your true intentions up front.

I actually started thinking about moving before I even met him, so no, that wouldn't change anything. And while I may get my heart broken if I continue to hope we could become more than friends, I'm willing to face that. After he told me he was seeing someone, I moped around for a few days and cried myself to sleep, but I came to realize that I needed to slow myself down and understand it may never be anything more than it is now. As I said in my last post, I don't think he'd ever have feelings for me until we met in person again. I looked terrible when we met, and I was so socially awkward because I just wasn't in the market for a guy and didn't think I'd totally fall for one this way. That's part of what inspired me to come home and make changes. I didn't want to see him again or meet the next guy and be overweight/not caring about my appearance/lacking confidence.

 

[user 190701]

Thanks for all of your response. I actually do have a question I need to ask him for logistical purposes when I go back to where he lives, so I am thinking I'll text him later in the week or next week and just see where it goes. I'm just not sure how long to wait. I don't want him to think I stopped because of the girl.

 

[Abstamyous]

Normally, I'd agree with you, but I have such bad social anxiety that I can't rely on my own instinct. I question whether I should smile at the cashier at the store.

Always smile at the cashier! Could be me

 

[okidoke]

The last guy I dated had many female friends, and it never bothered me. That said, I would never text him anything salacious.

I actually meant that you should put yourself in the girlfriend’s shoes. She might feel differently.

 

[user 190701]

I actually meant that you should put yourself in the girlfriend’s shoes. She might feel differently.

I know, and this is going to make me sound awful, but her feelings are the least of my concern between the three of us. If it's an issue, that's between them.

 

[CenotaphGirl]

This is exactly the attitude I'm trying to adopt while I make these big changes I'm making. My only fear with this guy though is that he'll get annoyed and cancel our plans to meet up when I get there.

Let him, let him disappoint you if thats what he’s gonna do. Then you can see he was always beneath you and not the man you should have been thinking about at all

I know, and this is going to make me sound awful, but her feelings are the least of my concern between the three of us. If it's an issue, that's between them.

You dont sound awful to me. Whats awful is having regrets. If he was married okay okay thats different but he’s casually dating, not off the market so that sounds like fair game to me. For friendship or whatever. If “she” doesn't like him talking to you, as a woman, she should know what she has to do to make it stop and its not pout about it.

Live your life Gabby

 

[TheRealCallie]

Okay let me ask you this. Has he ever given you a reason to doubt what he says? Hesitation, not sounding genuine, etc etc....if he hasn't, take him at his word.

 

[user 190701]

Okay let me ask you this. Has he ever given you a reason to doubt what he says? Hesitation, not sounding genuine, etc etc....if he hasn't, take him at his word.

Not at all. He's constantly telling me we can chat anytime. Sometimes, I catch him at work and his response are shorter and you can tell he's trying to cut the conversation short, but I mean, he's working, so I get that. Also, his job is pretty physical, so it's impossible to just sit around and text. When I catch him on an off day, he'll talk for a long time and apologize to me if he takes too long to respond.

 

[user 190701]

Let him, let him disappoint you if thats what he’s gonna do. Then you can see he was always beneath you and not the man you should have been thinking about at all



You dont sound awful to me. Whats awful is having regrets. If he was married okay okay thats different but he’s casually dating, not off the market so that sounds like fair game to me. For friendship or whatever. If “she” doesn't like him talking to you, as a woman, she should know what she has to do to make it stop and its not pout about it.

Live your life Gabby

Thank you! That's exactly what I mean. If he were married or living with this person for a long time or something, it'd be different, but they've only been dating for a few weeks.

As for letting him disappoint me, I really want to make sure we see each other when I'm back because I have lost a lot of weight and look so much better than I did when I saw him before. Plus, he's volunteered to take me a few places while I'm there, and I'm looking forward to that.