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Feel like the walls are closing in
#1
I honestly fear for my well being, I am so scared of how all this will end up. I have been getting worse week after week, and month after month since last fall. Everyday is constant depression, anxiety so bad it borders on paranoia, I get intrusive thoughts, my thoughts race so badly and I get obsessions that consume all of my time and energy. My moods swing. I feel like I am going to go crazy or lose my sanity. I spend too much time alone in my room and in my house. I can't function at all. I am like this whether I'm around people or by myself. It feels like I have no control over anything, that I cannot alter or change anything about my situation. I drink sometimes to escape. I feel abandoned, isolated, like no one wants anything to do with me, like people have something against me. I hide from the world. 

I was diagnosed recently with bi polar disorder among other diagnoses that I already have. I'm in therapy with a new therapist, but it has not been helping yet, and the medications I am on are not doing anything for my symptoms. I want to find a new dr as I am really unhappy with my current one and how he treats me. He even mentioned that I see a new dr because we were not on the same page about the medications. And his answer to everything is "admit yourself" "go inpatient" which I did back in February and it did nothing but put me on medications that made me worse and they had to be changed. 

I feel I failed as a human being, I failed myself for not finding happiness, for not being where I want to be or how I'd like to be. I failed as a son too. I feel guilty that my mom is unwell because I am unwell. She worries about me a lot and doesn't know how to help me which makes her feel frustrated, helpless, and does not know what to do, I feel bad about that, I feel bad that we argue. I wish my mom was happy with me and proud of me. I feel I failed my family and friends too. I wish I had a healthier stable relationship with them and I could help them out and do some good in everyone's lives. I just feel completely useless as a person, and worthless. I only keep going to not hurt my mother and because I am too scared to act out on urges to hurt myself or attempt suicide. 

I cannot sustain this, I cannot go on like this, I don't know what to do. I am scared of the future, of staying like this or getting worse, because if it does, than how will I end up??
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#2
I really feel for you. I want to say something helpful.

Drinking certainly isn't a good idea, or at least that is my personal experience. It can take away the pain briefly but it returns worse the next day.

It's a mistake to place yourself at the centre of everything - you are NOT the most important person in the world. The only one putting pressure on yourself to be perfect is you. Nobody else expects that from you. Stop punishing yourself.

What about trying to take yourself out of the centre of the equation. Give up on your own troubles for now and just concentrate on making the people around you happier in simple, altruistic ways. Do something nice for your mum as a distraction. Make her some dinner? Do some chores? You may feel a tiny bit better. There is so much value in being nice and kind to other people that eventually some self esteem may start to return little by little.

Just take a break from thinking about yourself all the time it is not healthy.
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#3
You are a wonderful creation ,special and one of a kind. If you get those negative, miserable thoughts don't buy into them. When you get something negative negate it with a positive thought and statement. Practice every day saying kind things to yourself because you are deserving to be here and to be happy. I know it is a struggle, but keep close and in contact with people who love you. My son is bipolar and I know the difficulties. I always want my son to come to me when having an episode.  It is never a burden for any mother.
Have you looked into NAMI( https://www.nami.org/#). They can give you some of the help and support you need. You hang in there and remember you can never be replaced.You can definitely get past this with the proper help.
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