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Feeling uncomfortable
#1
I recently went on a first meet with an internet date and it seemed to go OK.   But afterwards when we were emailing he mentioned that his mother had had breast cancer and when I wrote back I mentioned that I had had it too many years ago, he wrote back and said 'it felt funny to imagine me topless but that he would like to see.'   This really put me off him as we hardly know each other and, after telling him that I had had a serious illness, I didn't expect him to respond that way.  It was inapporopriate and also, to be honest, it felt creepy.  I sent a short text saying I felt we were incompatible and now he has texted back saying I have problems with sex/breast cancer (not so) and need counselling.   The only 'problem' I have in these matters is when someone who hardly knows me wants to see me topless.  I haven't replied to his text as it could turn into a furious exchange of messages and I would rather leave him behind me. Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?
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#2
Maybe he meant he wanted to see what his mom would be going through.  Maybe he jokes his way out of those kind of situations.  Maybe he was being crass.  
It's hard to tell what his reason was for saying what he said.  
However, if you felt uncomfortable with it, then i don't know if I would say it was an overreaction on your part because you feel the way you feel and given the seriousness of the subject, he could have acted better.  
If I were to give any thoughts on this, it would likely be that maybe you could have asked why he said it or told him you were uncomfortable, instead of just giving up on it straight away.
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#3
Thank you for replying, Callie. He wrote it in an email so he would have had time to think about what he was putting. It is over 20 years since his mum had breast cancer so whatever she went through, it was a long time ago.
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#4
Oh, yeah, for some reason, I only read one had, so I thought she had it now. Rereading, I see the two hads. That's kind of different. If you felt uncomfortable, I would definitely not think twice about it. The first two "excuses" I gave are kind of thrown out now, IMO, so he probably just wants to see you naked. It doesn't sound like you've been talking a long time, so I think that's a little premature to take the conversation there if you didn't give any indication that you wanted it to go there.
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#5
I agree with you Tina, it would make me feel uncomfortable when you hardly know him, and then that comment afterwards. I don't think you over reacted, leave him behind like you said.
I do not need light at the end of the tunnel.  I will light it myself.
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#6
(05-15-2018, 11:55 PM)Tiina63 Wrote: I recently went on a first meet with an internet date and it seemed to go OK.   But afterwards when we were emailing he mentioned that his mother had had breast cancer and when I wrote back I mentioned that I had had it too many years ago, he wrote back and said 'it felt funny to imagine me topless but that he would like to see.'   This really put me off him as we hardly know each other and, after telling him that I had had a serious illness, I didn't expect him to respond that way.  It was inapporopriate and also, to be honest, it felt creepy.  I sent a short text saying I felt we were incompatible and now he has texted back saying I have problems with sex/breast cancer (not so) and need counselling.   The only 'problem' I have in these matters is when someone who hardly knows me wants to see me topless.  I haven't replied to his text as it could turn into a furious exchange of messages and I would rather leave him behind me. Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?

Leave this man immediately. He has zero class and zero respect. What a loser.

You deserve to be treated as a woman with the highest amount of acceptance, understanding, and admiration for what you have been through. Sounds like he's after some cheap thrills at your emotional expense.
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#7
It was innapropriate, especially considering what you've gone through.
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#8
He sounds dumb and/or immature, to be honest.
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#9
I would consider it a red flag and I don't think you're in the wrong to move on if it's changed your mind. It's possible he was joking, but topless comments in response to sharing a history of cancer is bizarre imo. It's a really weird conversational swerve. Maybe it they were friends and they knew each other's senses of humor and sensitivities, and that it would be seen as funny.

I would be more wary of his getting angry about you not liking that kind of sexual comment, though. It's sleazy and immature, maybe even manipulative, to tell someone they have problems/need counseling/etc just because they didn't like a comment you made about them/their body.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
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#10
(05-15-2018, 11:55 PM)Tiina63 Wrote: Have I overreacted or do other forum members find that his wanting to see me topless was inapporpriate given that we were almost strangers to each other?

One thing that I often find hard to figure out as a guy, is determining when you can say sexual things, what you can say, and how. If you're too sexual you're seen as creepy, but if you're not sexual enough you're seen as lame. If you're too vulgar, you're seen as trashy. But if you're too proper, that's just weird. It has always been very hard for me to determine how to express myself sexually, verbally.

But I think you were right, because I feel like it's really insensitive, disrespectful, and tasteless to be joking and sexual about diseases, especially one as bad as cancer. People should know better than that, at least.
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