LostInLimbo
Active member
I just want to start off by saying that I'm not seeking advice on how to try and make things better, because I honestly don't think it's possible at this point for things to get better. I've tried these last couple of years to do various things to get out of this, though nothing works. Medications just made it worse, so did therapy. My anxiety is to a point where it's nearly impossible to talk to anyone unless I feel comfortable with them, which it's really hard to start to feel comfortable with someone when it's so hard to talk in the first place. I'm still living with my parents, but even after trying to tell them how I feel they continue to do nothing. With no friends or anyone around for support I continue to fall deeper into this pit, and I can't pull myself out. I've let loneliness tear me apart to a point where I don't think there's anything left inside, but I don't know if that loneliness will ever go away long enough for me to heal.
Whenever I make friends online I almost always push them away, but I don't even know why. There are only two people I haven't pushed away, though to be honest I have tried but just couldn't do it. One is a girl I met online just over 2 years ago, she has meant a lot to me and is someone I think of as family and love very much (which I can't even say that about my actual family). The other is someone I met online just over a year ago, and is someone else that means a lot to me especially after they called for help when I mentioned wanting to kill myself. I just end up crying when I think about them, because I just want to be around them in person since they seem to be the only ones that even care about me. The one girl sent me a bracelet for my birthday, though I can't wear it because I think about her so much when I do put it on that I break down in tears. I just want to meet someone like them that I can be around in person, but all I seem to ever do is meet people online that are halfway around the world.
I met a girl online near the start of the year, and thought there might actually be something between us. Things seemed to be really nice and I was actually starting to feel better too, the only problem at first was the distance since as I said every nice person I meet online is so far away. We would chat every day for several hours, and do what we could like play games, it was really nice. Then at the end of March my only remaining grandparent died, my grandmother, and whatever I had left in me seemed to go with her and I ended up pushing that girl away. I had a dream a couple days before my grandmother died where I was at her house and she wasn't there, which might not seem that weird but I never had a dream before about being at her house without her there. Those dreams continued after she died, until one day I had one where she was sitting in her usual chair though she was a ghost and I haven't had a dream about her since.
Every day I wish that I could kill myself, but I've been such a failure that I can't even do that and I'm too afraid to try anyway. Can't push myself to do anything at all, so I just sit around all day playing video games and listening to music. I just want this to end, and I'm honestly just waiting for the day when it's my time to go.
Whenever I make friends online I almost always push them away, but I don't even know why. There are only two people I haven't pushed away, though to be honest I have tried but just couldn't do it. One is a girl I met online just over 2 years ago, she has meant a lot to me and is someone I think of as family and love very much (which I can't even say that about my actual family). The other is someone I met online just over a year ago, and is someone else that means a lot to me especially after they called for help when I mentioned wanting to kill myself. I just end up crying when I think about them, because I just want to be around them in person since they seem to be the only ones that even care about me. The one girl sent me a bracelet for my birthday, though I can't wear it because I think about her so much when I do put it on that I break down in tears. I just want to meet someone like them that I can be around in person, but all I seem to ever do is meet people online that are halfway around the world.
I met a girl online near the start of the year, and thought there might actually be something between us. Things seemed to be really nice and I was actually starting to feel better too, the only problem at first was the distance since as I said every nice person I meet online is so far away. We would chat every day for several hours, and do what we could like play games, it was really nice. Then at the end of March my only remaining grandparent died, my grandmother, and whatever I had left in me seemed to go with her and I ended up pushing that girl away. I had a dream a couple days before my grandmother died where I was at her house and she wasn't there, which might not seem that weird but I never had a dream before about being at her house without her there. Those dreams continued after she died, until one day I had one where she was sitting in her usual chair though she was a ghost and I haven't had a dream about her since.
Every day I wish that I could kill myself, but I've been such a failure that I can't even do that and I'm too afraid to try anyway. Can't push myself to do anything at all, so I just sit around all day playing video games and listening to music. I just want this to end, and I'm honestly just waiting for the day when it's my time to go.