stuck inside a maze

I just want to start off by saying that I'm not seeking advice on how to try and make things better, because I honestly don't think it's possible at this point for things to get better. I've tried these last couple of years to do various things to get out of this, though nothing works. Medications just made it worse, so did therapy. My anxiety is to a point where it's nearly impossible to talk to anyone unless I feel comfortable with them, which it's really hard to start to feel comfortable with someone when it's so hard to talk in the first place. I'm still living with my parents, but even after trying to tell them how I feel they continue to do nothing. With no friends or anyone around for support I continue to fall deeper into this pit, and I can't pull myself out. I've let loneliness tear me apart to a point where I don't think there's anything left inside, but I don't know if that loneliness will ever go away long enough for me to heal.

Whenever I make friends online I almost always push them away, but I don't even know why. There are only two people I haven't pushed away, though to be honest I have tried but just couldn't do it. One is a girl I met online just over 2 years ago, she has meant a lot to me and is someone I think of as family and love very much (which I can't even say that about my actual family). The other is someone I met online just over a year ago, and is someone else that means a lot to me especially after they called for help when I mentioned wanting to kill myself. I just end up crying when I think about them, because I just want to be around them in person since they seem to be the only ones that even care about me. The one girl sent me a bracelet for my birthday, though I can't wear it because I think about her so much when I do put it on that I break down in tears. I just want to meet someone like them that I can be around in person, but all I seem to ever do is meet people online that are halfway around the world.

I met a girl online near the start of the year, and thought there might actually be something between us. Things seemed to be really nice and I was actually starting to feel better too, the only problem at first was the distance since as I said every nice person I meet online is so far away. We would chat every day for several hours, and do what we could like play games, it was really nice. Then at the end of March my only remaining grandparent died, my grandmother, and whatever I had left in me seemed to go with her and I ended up pushing that girl away. I had a dream a couple days before my grandmother died where I was at her house and she wasn't there, which might not seem that weird but I never had a dream before about being at her house without her there. Those dreams continued after she died, until one day I had one where she was sitting in her usual chair though she was a ghost and I haven't had a dream about her since.

Every day I wish that I could kill myself, but I've been such a failure that I can't even do that and I'm too afraid to try anyway. Can't push myself to do anything at all, so I just sit around all day playing video games and listening to music. I just want this to end, and I'm honestly just waiting for the day when it's my time to go.

Just as an hypothesis let's say you meet a girl do you think this will cure your lonelyness ? I don't think any one person can ever come along and change who you are and how you think . Maybe becoming more accepting of yourself may be a better way to move forward as apposed to waiting for a situation to arrise or a person to enter your life to make you feel better .

Time to get up and start making changes in your life. Where you are now, nothing is changing.


I don't know your background, and what you have done. So I will assume you have not done much since leaving school.

Usually, a girl, or anybody really, admires a person who knows where they are going and is going there. We are like a train going on a journey. So far your train is stuck at a
Limbo Station and nobody wants to get on because it's not going anywhere. If it was, others who are interested in your journey will jump on-board for the ride.

So, the idea is to start making plans to create a journey for your life. For instance, get a job, earn money, re-educate yourself to gain better jobs or promotions. Meet knew people, dating, and see what people, or women, who likes where you are going and wants to be part of it too.

bfc1001 said:

Just as an hypothesis let's say you meet a girl do you think this will cure your lonelyness ? I don't think any one person can ever come along and change who you are and how you think . Maybe becoming more accepting of yourself may be a better way to move forward as apposed to waiting for a situation to arrise or a person to enter your life to make you feel better .

Click to expand...

It won't cure it right away, no, but I certainly won't feel completely alone anymore. And maybe you don't think one person could make a difference, but you also aren't in my shoes feeling the way I feel. I've tried to move forward, I've tried to be more accepting of both myself and my situation because there are times I feel like that's my only way to cope on my own, but it isn't something I'm capable of doing. 

@Tranquil

I know what you mean, and it seems that literally everyone tells me the same thing, but some people don't understand how hard it can be to do those things. Everyone seem to think I can just jump right up and start doing all these things to fix my problems, it's not that easy. Do you think that I've wanted to sit here for these past 15 or so years with no life? I try to tell people that if I was capable of getting myself out of this I would have done it years ago, but I can't do it and no one seems to get that. People say I need to do this on my own, yeah, and I've failed horribly at trying to do this on my own. I feel like a car with no fuel, or just something with wheels sitting on a steep incline trying to move up it. I'm not going anywhere on my own, and even when I do get anywhere I simply roll right back down to the start.

LostInLimbo said:

bfc1001 said:

Just as an hypothesis let's say you meet a girl do you think this will cure your lonelyness ? I don't think any one person can ever come along and change who you are and how you think . Maybe becoming more accepting of yourself may be a better way to move forward as apposed to waiting for a situation to arrise or a person to enter your life to make you feel better .

Click to expand...

It won't cure it right away, no, but I certainly won't feel completely alone anymore. And maybe you don't think one person could make a difference, but you also aren't in my shoes feeling the way I feel. I've tried to move forward, I've tried to be more accepting of both myself and my situation because there are times I feel like that's my only way to cope on my own, but it isn't something I'm capable of doing. 

@Tranquil

I know what you mean, and it seems that literally everyone tells me the same thing, but some people don't understand how hard it can be to do those things. Everyone seem to think I can just jump right up and start doing all these things to fix my problems, it's not that easy. Do you think that I've wanted to sit here for these past 15 or so years with no life? I try to tell people that if I was capable of getting myself out of this I would have done it years ago, but I can't do it and no one seems to get that. People say I need to do this on my own, yeah, and I've failed horribly at trying to do this on my own. I feel like a car with no fuel, or just something with wheels sitting on a steep incline trying to move up it. I'm not going anywhere on my own, and even when I do get anywhere I simply roll right back down to the start.

Click to expand...

Been there, done that. Then came to a point where I had to change or die (soon) the way I was.

Most humans have to experience ego-deflation at depth, and even then, some need to be mangeled (from self-sabotage) before being willing to go to any lengths to change. Some don't. It is never that they can't, but always because they won't. Anybody can change an attitude, and that is all it takes. A change in attitude changes behaviours.

If you really really need others to help you 24/7 then join the military and don't AWOL. Your whole life will change in a very short time, and you will get a trade or qualification, plus good pay, and be fit as a fiddle. I know it works. Been in RAAF for six years, it changed me for the better.