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Lonely because of failed romance
#1
Hello!

I don't know if this story belongs to this topic or the relationship one because it has lots of both. 

All my 17 years of life, I've never been the outgoing type but 3 years ago I fell in love with a girl. Only it isn't just love: she's everything I want to be. She's a discreet person who doesn't like to take pictures and those kind of stuff, like me, only much more sociable and outgoing. Actually, that's the thing I want most in a partner: someone to hang out while feeling secure. Because I only have two friends with who I hang out (I'm lucky they're my classmates, as well as this girl) but they're part of a large group of friends with whom I have few contact with, so most times I end up being left out.

Back to the girl, even though she was my classmate, I couldn't really reach out to her and from the beginning, no matter what I tried, she just didn't noticed me. Eventually we would grow closer (only after I told her how I felt) and we had some good moments as 'good colleagues' (you know, the kind of friendship you hang out at school but rarely outside of it). Once she invited me to go to the beach with his friends but I thought I'd feel insecure with no known person around but her. I said I couldn't come and I regret that decision till this day. We also had some big fights, but I'd always make amends because she was always one more person to keep me company. Thanks to this passion, I started a monumental inner-fight to become more sociable. I started going to parties and drinking, for example, two things that used to frighten me. God, I even learned to beef (like a rapper) to face a colleague of mine who used to mock me.
But no matter what I did, she'd always see me as inferior, much like everyone else at school, because I used to be socially awkward and I never had sexual relationships or any romantic relationship of some source (not even the typical middle-school relationship). I still haven't. Basically, when she talks to others and they tell their party, festival, etc. stories, I have few to tell.
 
But this year she has grow more interested in other people of my class and I realized our time has finally passed. I still made one last attempt to be something more than friends during last spring break and for like the seventh time, it didn't work. About me, it's not that I feel awkward talking to girls, not anymore. It's just that I have a lot of bad luck. I can't make plans because everyone seems so busy to me and even when I manage to make plans with someone, most times they end up cancelling. During these 3 years, I've talked to a couple of girls online but not for a single time I've gone out on a date. Even during spring break, I tried to talk to other girls but when I was about to get their number, they just left out of nowhere.

Continuing the story, after that last attempt, I completely lost my will to make plans and go outside. I just want to stay at home playing games, surfing the Net or watching TV, because it seems that all the parties, all the booze, all the concerts, all the movies at the cinema, all the 'going to the beach'... they don't make sense anymore without her by my side at school to talk about them. I tried to let go of her multiple times but it's impossible: I see her everyday, she sits beside my best friend at every class and like I said, she's always one more person I can talk to, even if briefly. Part of me doesn't think it's worth the effort since there's only one month of school left and I'll probably never see her again after I go to college in another city next year. But it's getting more painful every day. For example, today she let one of these friends put their head right on her tits during class, right in front of me, and I just had to 'go to the bathroom'. All these negative feelings are amplified by the fact that every time I turned up my ears, I listened to everyone making plans about going to the beach (I live in a sunny country, so...) and no one even notices me while doing so. I still have the foolish hope that some day a girl will come and she'll be exactly what I want her to be, but I don't truly believe it.

Bottom line, I'm feeling lonelier every day. How do you think I can reverse my bad luck? Should I hide my past in order to be seen as equal in the future?
And specially, what can I do to get back out there, improve my social life, this year or next year when I go to college?
Thanks in advance.
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#2
Wait.  You are 17?  Honey, you have a lot of time.  High school friends aren't really that important, because you are teenagers, unless you are really close, you generally don't keep in touch and sometimes not even if you are close.

It doesn't sound to me like everyone else thinks you are inferior, it sounds like you think that.  You are basing way too much on other people.  You need to find out who you are.  What you like, what you want to do, what your hobbies and passions are.  You need to find out how to like yourself as you are and stop thinking other people have all the answers.  They don't. Only you have the answers of who you will be.  I don't recommend drinking, but I think you should go out and meet new people through hobbies.  That will give you something in common right away.
Want to talk?  Check out the CHAT ROOM 

[Image: Quotefancy-19173-3840x2160.jpg?resize=1165%2C655&ssl=1]
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#3
Remember that you are who you are and nothing is ever going to change that. Find people who accept you for who you are. If you try too hard being someone who you aren't, then you're only screwing yourself over.
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#4
You are only 17 yo. Don't be hard on yourself. You will be meeting more friends in college.
Now, go pick up your guitar and strum some happy tunes.  Big Grin
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