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Why don't I feel happy and see the reason of life?
#1
Hello everyone,
first of all, please dont judge my english skills. Im from Germany and English is my 2nd learned language. 
I dont really know how i should start this text because i think i sound ridiculous but I want to tell you more about me and how i feel about myself, life and the darkness i feel around me.

Im 20 and living in Germany. I had a really good childhood, full of love and happiness and was a very happy and active person. it all "started" when i was in middle school. I had more female friends than male friends because i never really cared about football (soccer) like everyone else and never got something to talk about with the guys in my class. I cant remember when it started but i suddenly heard of a few rumors about me being gay and into boys. Never knew where that came from since i never talked to any guys, never looked at them or did anything that would make them think im gay. (Im not gay to clarify it). I just rejected it and told them its not true but they didnt believed me. I was very active back then, playfull, full of phantasy and loved being kinda "crazy". Maybe that let them think that, i dont know. I just never talked about it anymore and hoped they would just forget it. It has never been active mobbing that i experienced. More like they just always thought that im gay, cant be convinced for the truth and and insulted me as a crazy gay boy. Years went by but their attitude stayed the same. No mobbing, more like mocking me and whispering about me being gay like "Oh he is that gay guy" to other school members. Never knew what i should do about it, yelling at them that im not gay? i never spoke to any guys there and didnt know what to do. I didnt talk about it to my friends because they never noticed anything like the mocking, whispering  and how bad i felt about it. After i switched to high school i thought that maybe everything can be different. i hoped that none of my old classmates would be in my high school class. And i got to be alone in the class with two other girls. I was so happy and finally thought that luck is by my side and i can become friends with a guy for once. But after a short time it just got back to the same days as in middle school. Again they werent mobbing me, not even mocking me but i heard them whispering again. They were just sure that i was gay and talked about it. I tried to tell them that its not the truth but they just didnt believe me. And that whispering did hurt even more than mobbing. What did i do wrong, AGAIN? Did i behave wrong or accidently looked at them that let them think i was "checking them out"?. So i distanced myself again of everyone in class, just became friends with an other girl. Years went by and it just stayed the same.

I dont know if that had anything to do with the way i feel today but i think that it wouldnt turn that way if i became friends with guys and girls and just lived a happy life. 


Now, im studying and working. I probably have 3-5 friends which i see 3 times year. we dont chat and only write for 5 min every few months. i became more distanced, shy and lonely. Everybody thinks im living a happy life and just dont go out that often. i dont trust any people, dont know how to get in contact with new people or even make new friends. New friends are so hard to make especially when u are an adult. Most people already have their close friend from school or childhood and dont let any new people that near to them. I Never talked about my problems and thoughts with my friends because i never wanted to give them the opportunity to hurt me or talk about me when im not around. And i never felt like they could help me with getting rid of these problems. When i was talking to them about a problem once they just adviced me the things i already thought about and it didnt feel like help, since their interest about me just wasnt there. They never asked me how i feel or what happened about the things we once talked about. So i just talked to me and God (im very religious and love to talk with god while im praying in the evening each day) and thought about how i could solve my problems. Of course nothing changed because i am way to shy and doesnt have any selfconfidence since the mocking in middle school. 

Whenever its getting late and im in my bed trying to sleep i start thinking. Thinking about how lonely i feel and dont know where the right path is. I thought a lot about life, death and what comes after death. Also thought about sucide and which way i would choose to do it. I would never really commit suicide since for me its not the right way to end my life god gave me. But i feel depressed, alone, insecure. When im driving to work and im on a bridge im looking over it and think " what would happen if i just turn the car and drive the car of the bridge. Would the fall hurt? Would I die when i do that?" or i kinda wish for a miracle that the bridge collapse and i fall into death. Or i think and wish about having no legs to feel how people with a disabilities would live and having cancer and die from it. 

Mostly i dont really have a problem about being alone. i just got used to it, only trust my own work and do everything by myself. But i also want to experience what love means. I never had a girlfriend compared to all my friends and their boyfriends. I once dated the cousin of a friend. We met up a few times and i really felt happy during that time. I started getting feelings for her and hoped that it would just work out. But im just to insecure, shy and had no self confidence to go further.Also i was afraid of what could happen because the closer i would get to her the more she wants to know about me. Then i would have to tell her about me not having any friends, feeling lonely and dark and just not positive enough .For example, We were in her room chilling and i kept playing with her cat since i wasnt sure what to do, if she also wants to cuddle for example, if she had the same feelings as i had or if she thinks that im just a good friend. so i never tried anything because i was to afraid of the consequences. So because of that it didnt work out at the end. just texted less and didnt meet again. I normally never regret anyting but the only thing i regret in my life was not having the confidence to show her that i have feelings for her. That happended a few months ago but im always thinking about just writing her about the way i felt about the sitation back then, that i regret what i did and what i didnt do. I know she would just say she feels the ways that we can be friends but not more. And i would just cut off the contact to her but im afraid that whenever im cutting the contact off, i am going to also cut the last chance of getting to know her more again (if she felt the same way as i did). 

I need so long to get into sleep since im thinking so much about life and just couldnt stop. i wake up in the middle of the night a couple of times and im so exhausted during the day.
I just dont feel any happiness anymore. Not like life has a reason for me and has anything good for me. I feel bad for living and dont know how to change it. Or if im already in a state where i dont want to change it anymore. Never thinking of commiting suicide, i would rather move to an other continent, cut off every contact i still have and live alone in the woods in a small house and hoping to die by a miracle like bear attack, tornado, bad weather or something else. But i know that the sitiation is not going to change. Just dont know how and dont feel like i am able to get it changed. there are so many things i need to work on, my self confidence, accepting myself, getting more contact to old friends, searching new people, dating apps or whatever. 


I am really sorry that you had to read through that messy text but i really appreciate it that you took your time reading it. Maybe you got any advices for me, experienced the same or know someone that felt the same way and maybe escaped the "cage in the darkness". I Just wanted to tell someone about what i really feel like.
Thank you and hear you!
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