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A Cautionary Tale
#1
This is kind of a deep thread going into my personal experiences. Your experiences may vary and that's okay. I'm not looking for validation, just to share my tale in a safe environment.

Background

I had a terrible childhood. I refuse to be defined by it. When I say that, I mean physical and emotional abuse on the daily to the point I had no self-esteem and was so terrified to disobey my parents that I was basically a recluse from 12 to when I finally got away at 22. During that time, I witnessed domestic violence and abuse between my parents. I just want you to know why some elements of this story are what they are.

The Dragon

The first story is the rest of the story. You can't tell the others without this one because this is the key to understanding how truly alone I was. It is relevant to everything else in my life.

As noted above, I spent much of my life in isolation. Like most people in this circumstance I depended on escapism and internet communications for my sanity. This would have been the middle to late 90's that I was online most of my time meeting random internet strangers and taking part in online communities. It's always felt more sincere to me to meet people and write to each other than see them face to face. It was, also, the only way I could be myself or express myself with other human beings. When I was 14 or 15 I got involved in "furry fandom" through one such internet friend and found I liked the art. This was particularly shameful for me because even at that age I knew how hated their group was. Freaks tend to gravitate towards other freaks. But they were welcoming interesting freaks.


Anyway.


Over years and years later I found myself increasingly alone and isolated. By the time I had to get a job, I was basically kicked out into the world by my dad as the mess I was and told to sink or swim. It is no small understatement when I say I hid all of who I was to fit in with co-workers. What did manifest was a psychosis of having to be the "happy funny guy" while I still lived at home in a daily hell. I began to grow more and more distanced from people in general. My world consisted of work, internet friends, and having to lie or sneak off to go do something as mundane as watch a movie in the city, because I lived out of town.

It was about this time when something magical happened that both simultaneously changed and ruined my life forever. That thing was that I met somebody and I fell in love with her.

We'll call her J. Many years after the fact I can still state with absolute certainty that J was the real deal and will always be the one who got away. About the time I met her, I had no romantic attraction to anybody. I didn't even know what it was. All of a sudden, this random person came into my life online. We spent hours talking about this one fandom we liked over messenger and this turned into deep natural conversation about everything and anything. There was not a hint of anything inappropriate at first. We talked and grew close and almost nightly shared our lives with each other. Then, one night, I realized that I was really into her. I told her as such and how she made me feel safe. To my astonishment, she reciprocated.


You see, here's the catch.

J was in an eight-year relationship with a complete frickface who controlled every facet of her life and ruled her with an iron fist. Like me, this was all she had known for so long that to escape it would have taken a force of will she didn't have. I was aware of the situation, I knew what it was because I lived it, and I honestly should have known how things would turn out. If you're predicting disaster, you're right.

J and I had a two month romance where we talked in secret and in code (because her fiancée liked to peer over her shoulder.) I was so blinded by the feelings of love and emotion for this girl that I couldn't see the downward slide until it happened. In retrospect, nearly everybody I've talked to about it refuses to believe J was even a real person, but the kicker here is that I had another friend who was in the same fandom who lived nearby her. I knew things were exactly what J said they were because the other friend confirmed it and passed along messages for me from time to time. It's worth noting that J was about the most perfect point and counterpoint to my personality and interests that I've ever known. She was into the same things I was, watched movies the same way, got passionate about the same things I did. We would have been fricking amazing together.

Until things fell apart.

One night, the worst night, J suddenly announced in terror that her fiancée was making her break off contact with me and that was that.

Now here is the part that ruined my life.

If I had waited a week or two more things might have actually turned out differently. Instead, I panicked and contacted J's family, friends, and then the fiancée himself. As you can imagine, this made life infinitely worse for her and unpleasant exchanges occurred between all parties except J, who wasn't allowed to talk at all, basically saying I needed to vanish or the police will be involved. I was absolutely terrified and backed down. Up until that time I had been fighting for her.

This took place over a week. The next week, I got in a letter in the mail from J. She wrote to me, in beautiful printing, saying that she loved me and to please just wait, she would find a way out but it had to be on her terms. By alerting everybody to what was going on and insisting myself upon a delicate situation, I ruined J's chances for an escape. I found out later that he put the fricking boots to her emotionally, took away her internet access, made her life a living hell. I received a second letter later on begging me to please stop talking to her fiancée. After that, I never heard from her again.

I lost J forever. Later that year, I tried to end my life when I finally realized just how hard I had blown it by being me and how I would be forever alone. I failed obviously.

This actually isn't the end of the story, believe it or not. But we have to move on.

The Wolf Chick

God damn. This is where the cautionary tales start. After J and the attempt on myself, I fell into a sort of crazed action that I was going to find somebody like her. To replace J, essentially. That leads us to K. K was an active furry in the airsoft group I went to. I had my first physical experiences with K in the back seat of a car. In retrospect, it disgusts me. She was a controlling type who was openly a part of "the fandom" and if you can imagine all the cringiest stereotypes about furries this was K. She drank, she did drugs, she wore the suit in public. For somebody who wasn't openly "furry" she was everything I hated. Yet I was so desperate to just "be with somebody" that I threw myself at her. I helped her get a car she owned and was paying for back from an ex who was using her for a free car. After that, I received almost hourly phone calls asking me to meet with her in town. When I refused, she showed up at airsoft games looking for me because she drove by and saw my car. In one case, I hid while she brought her mother to meet me completely unprovoked. The more I tried to distance myself from her, the more terrible it became, until she was straight up stalking me. What's weirder, the other guy in the car incident began talking to me to warn me about her and how she had had STDs and went through boyfriends like underwear. I broke off all contact with her at the expense of my airsoft buddies. She utterly humiliated me and vented all my secrets to everybody who would listen. I was a laughing stock. By the way, she dressed up as a werewolf. A male werewolf. I still look back on this in utter shame.

What We Learned

Your somebody is out there.

Desperation to be with somebody will lead you down a dark road where you'll take whatever looks good without thinking it through.

(to be continued...)
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#2
childhood, isolation story of my life.
you need a good person, do not attract narcs, narcs smell your kindness and use you.
i hope you will found that good person.
must be me right?  Cool

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#3
Brilliantly written! I really enjoyed reading your story, so thank you for sharing. I'm afraid I can't give any advice (you seem to have a good mindset, in any case), but for whatever it's worth, I wish you all the best! I know you're not looking for validation, so I'll keep this short haha

I haven't had much experience with relationships, both friendships and otherwise. At some points in my life, I've been overcome with that same desperation you speak of. Usually, it's born from loneliness and my anxiety prevents me from pursuing anything crazy, but it still effects me in various ways. With that said, I agree with the sentiment that desperation can lead to unfavorable situations. So although I can't relate to your story, I nevertheless appreciated the message that you're relaying!
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