I've browsed this forum and the movie codec one for some months now but never posted anything before.
I'm a male software engineer from New Jersey. I just turned 22 a week ago and am a little embarassed about still living with my parents and younger brother and sister. If I were to move out, however, I'd be even more lonely than I am now.
I only have one or two friends and find myself pushing them away whenever they want to do something. Hanging out seems more of a hastle than a remedy for loneliness. And if it involves my friend's friends it becomes even more uncomfortable because I get stressed when having to meet new people.
I've thought long and hard about this problem and am coming to the conclusion that there is nothing more I can do other than force myself to be more social.
My question is does anyone else find themselves lonely yet pushing other people away? It is very strange.
I think you should move out and move away from your family....AND disconnect your computer for a few months. I'm a 26 year old software engineer who lived with his parents and felt the same as you when I was 22ish. I have a lot of anxiety around people, and I was using my family as a crutch when I was living with them. It really helped me to throw myself into solitude and avoid the TV or computer. I started finding things to do, and frankly, anything that doesn't involve the tv or computer is pretty good for you socially. The exception are online social fourms and groups like this one. This isn't the end all solution to things, but it's one step on the right path, I believe. It's going to take some bold steps and you need to get out of your comfort zone to change... But of course, I found your post because I typed
i am lonely" into google, so what do I know?
So true. You're going to have to move out because despite being lonely, your life will unfold and move forward. Also, our society puts a lot of emphasis on being independent and self-sufficient, so living with your parents at that age will end up being a major obstacle in your love life. You'll likely thank us anyway because you'll have the freedom to do whatever you want.
I tend to push a lot of my friends away but that's inevitable because some of them aren't true friends and some of them live a little far for being local.
I am in a similar predicament. I am 19 and live with my mother and younger sister. I have not made one new friend in university. i have maybe 3 good friends who i never see and hardly ever talk to. we're all busy, but i always make up excuses about why i can't hang out with them when i am not busy. i have problems with new people too, and obviously with people i've known quite a while as well. anyone who looks at me will ascribe my issues to my weight problem, but i know too well that it's deeper than that after all these years of my young life i have spent depressed. i obviously am in no position to help you, rexnj, but i can stand in solidarity with you, and frankly that's a lot more than most people in my life have ever done for me.
AliceMay, I have been in the very same predicament as you - and I have met oodles of people with the same predicament. The bright side is that there it's only temporary and can be fixed! Don't be afraid to put yourself out there... I know, I know - it's a little difficult at first, but it will get easier. First off, make time for the friends you have. If they really are your friends, cherish them and let them know how much you care for them. And make your voice heard. Speak up in your classes. Join some clubs. Great a job at the local coffee joint. The point is, university truly is a wonderful, eye-opening time in your life. Don't waste it!
I also live in jersey. Attended Montclair State for two years, then transferred over to Rutgers-camden this past semester to be closer to family. I am beginning to think it was a mistake and I am more lonelier than ever, rutgers-camden is not what i expected. The campus atmosphere is very negative and dreary, and most of the student body consists pessimistic and narcissistic jerks who play mindgames and pretend they're above everyone. I transferred out of montclair state in the first place simply because of the incompetence of student housing. However, Rutgers camden is so much worse, bums are always walking around the campus, and students have to park a mile away. I really do not know what to do now, I am an economics major and only have 2 more semesters left until I finish, should I just suck it up and finish or should I transfer back to montclair? I absolutely hate south jersey, I was away for so long that i forgot why I even left in the first place. I belong in North jersey, but i am getting weary of college and all the bs that comes with living on campus. Anyway, I cant find a suitable partner, females around the area where i live are "dirty", i suppose there's some truth in the south jersey girl hearsay. I am lonely and unhappy.
M.Eileen Wrote:AliceMay, I have been in the very same predicament as you - and I have met oodles of people with the same predicament. The bright side is that there it's only temporary and can be fixed! Don't be afraid to put yourself out there... I know, I know - it's a little difficult at first, but it will get easier. First off, make time for the friends you have. If they really are your friends, cherish them and let them know how much you care for them. And make your voice heard. Speak up in your classes. Join some clubs. Great a job at the local coffee joint. The point is, university truly is a wonderful, eye-opening time in your life. Don't waste it!
I also live in jersey. Attended Montclair State for two years, then transferred over to Rutgers-camden this past semester to be closer to family. I am beginning to think it was a mistake and I am more lonelier than ever, rutgers-camden is not what i expected. The campus atmosphere is very negative and dreary, and most of the student body consists pessimistic and narcissistic jerks who play mindgames and pretend they're above everyone....
I did something very similar when I was in college. After high school, I went to a university. While I was there, I was ok-ish with the place, but as time went on my feelings turned sour so I decided to transfer.
After a lot of hard work, I was accepted to another school (which I thought was going to be the school of my dreams). Unfortunately, the new place turned out to be incredibly worse than the university. They had terrible internal problems, money flow issues, etc. It was an incredibly stressful mess.
Anyway, to my point... you need to do what is healthy for you. There are always options - you are not trapped! Have you spoken to your adviser at your current university to discuss the issues you are having? Have you called your old university to look into the possibility of returning to the program (it is often easy to go back... just some paper work)? You could also look into taking a leave of absence for a semester and take some time to get your head together.
Look into your options... the exercise will give you some breathing room. But also remember that if you are not happy inside, it will not matter where you go, you will still be unhappy. It's important that while you look into your schooling options, you also need to take some time to think about what You want. Once you find internal peace, nothing will throw you for a loop.
hi, i just wanted to say to rexnj, that i feel the same way; i have no friends and i'm lonely but i still push everybody away, because i lost my trust in people and i can't even talk to them , but i don't think you should FORCE yourself to be more social, you can force yourself if i ever learned something about loneliness is that we often try to change ourselves in hope of making new friends, but now after around two yesars of trying to change myself i kno this is the worst way to resolve your problems, i think we should never force ourselves to be something else then ourself, because if you just pretend to be something you are not you'llnever be happy, just be YOU, and maybe this won't solve your problemes, but you'll sure feel better then pretending...trust me, i'm talking from my own experience, i've already been throught this and i know it's not the wright way...but then again you don't have to listen to me, just listen to your heart, listen to you! and don't lose hope!
a kiss and a big smile!
Thanks angeLLblueshadow. I guess it's always good advice to be yourself. I've been told by others to be more social but that just isn't me.
It's good to know others have been through this before.
I'm thinking I might need a change in lifestyle as many of you have suggested. It's hard to change though when feeling lonely and depressed. I don't feel like doing anything.
u keep pushing people away because u see its so difficult when its so easy dealing with computers u feel so free when u write in chat but u cannt talk as u write , u can express ur self so easy online but in real u cannt .... my advise stop using computer for while and dont move to live alone just for now give more time for friends and try to share them ur problems and they will do back this wt will make u feel cool when u in their company ,,, am sure u such kind person for that ur friends keep coming back to u but dont depend on this if u continue this way and refuse our advises to u someday they wont come back ( many of us has the same problem )